so defeated and scared silly

[scaredsilly]

well, brit and bug, it was a great day! we stayed in the boat and the water all day. it rained several times, but we just got in the boat and covered up with a tarp and stayed warm and dry. it was just the two of us and about 100,000 other people! it was nice.

H spent the night, the night before and the night of the event. we had a little issue when, after we ML, i asked him if he had been with another woman...i know, i let my anxiety get the best of me. he told me he didn't like to get asked that question that it made him feel his integrity was being questioned. we got through it, though, and i told him i wouldn't ask it again.

the next morning, we had a R talk. i told him that we have so little time together that i always feel as if i'm walking on eggshells and have to be perfect. i told him that if everything doesn't go exactly as he's expecting and something triggers him, he feels like he has to pull away again.

i let him know that i can't go on living an isolated life here in this house and in this town because it adds to my insecurities about him. it also contributes to this artificail relationship we have now.

i told him that i will be in my hometown for 6 weeks while he comes back to the house to stay. we will be exchanging our lifestyles, me with family and friends and him isolated.

i told him that for us to move forward, i want him to think about us living together when i get back so we can have a more realistic, day-to-day relationship and work things out without all the stresses of separation.

i also told him that when he goes out of town in october (he works out of town 5-6 months of the year, coming home on weekends when things are normal), i would be able to go with him 5 days a week and he wouldn't have to drive home on the weekends.

this was one of his complaints about our life before; that i wouldn't travel with him when he had to be out of town.

well, he said, "you know i will hold you to that now that you're saying it".

he seemed to react positively to the living together when i get back. he said he will see how he feels being around this house by himself (he's never by himself now so he doesn't have the lonliness i have) and being around all the picture of me and our life together. he has some yard work he wants to do, too.

he mentioned he'd like to have some people from the office come to a fish fry and asked it that would hurt my feelings! of course, it won't because what always hurt my feelings was him not being concerned about me out here while he had so much to do with his family and friends. now, i will have lots to do and i won't be isolated and abandoned. but it was nice of him to ask.

he left to go out of town on sunday night until tomorrow. he's been calling me a lot more, texting me all kinds of things; business, family, funny things.

so, i guess it's a positive movement. i think he was trying to show me what it's like to be alone and without him and all the things he does.

i told him that it has registered but it can't continue, at least not for me. i won't live like this much longer. if i come back from my trip in september and he's not ready to live together again, i will seriously think about moving forward, not with D but with making a life for myself more in my hometown (800 miles away) with other people and family.

i think sometimes you just have to let them know you've had enough. we'll see...