TIME for a change

[Broken74]

Thanks Brit and Dakota! :-)

Brit, I realize it is frustrating for anyone who posts to me to watch me flail in the face of their advice. I mean no disrespect in doing this, I am idiot in terms of this/my repeated failures in DB practice. I literally cannot seem to help myself... Lost's synopsis above is probably spot on, if she uses the service again I'll be surprised, which may be helpful as it takes away the catalyst for my spinups...

I agree with what you are saying but my not pursuing doesn't work either, I've done it for months at a time. Chances are she is still seeing the OM. If that is the confirmed to be the case on 8/27 then I am DONE. I really don't have expectations with my recent actions, and I let her use my music service so it's not like I'm snooping of something that's hers, I realize the outcome is the same, my mind reading... I am going to do my best to take your advice and STOP and not be over the top when we communicate.

In regards to what I want, I either want us both actively engaged in working on our R, or I'm going to close the book and move on with my life. I know I'm a good man and I know I'm a good husband, I don't need her to validate that in any way. The reason I bring up the financial stuff now is it was a key part of my problem. Because of my trying to be a "nice guy" and give her and the kids anything and everything, I overextended myself, ended up resenting her for it, and then drinking and verbally abusing her fueled by my pent up resentment. I can say I'm not in competition with the other man. I have women that are more desirable than W pursuing me at this point although I am not engaging them. The issue is I love my wife and stepkids, and because of that these women are not really interesting to me at this point. The girl I broke with because I told her I still have feelings for my W is also still pursuing me. All this said I don't need my W or anyone else to validate my value as a man or partner, I know what I bring to the table.

In regard to my choosing to file, this was something that Cheryl (DB coach) and I discussed. Consider it the "absolute last resort" of the LRT. Bear in mind I haven't physically seen my W and stepkids since mid-February. In terms of my thought process she is probably still seeing the OM, while she is still driving a car that I own. Our marriage is over anyway, I will not tolerate her choices a day longer that I legally have to unless something significant changes at this point. This is my boundary, although at this point she doesn't know it yet. I am not looking for a scene or dramatic outburst, if she signs it that day, then so be it, I will need to figure out how to get my car and a few other belongings back and never look back. I can be pretty cut and dried, if she hasn't came to grips with everything that's happened in the past year and see the ways that I've changed, quite frankly she doesn't deserve me.

I agree time for me to start acting as if, starting with no texting. I also agree I have been 2 steps forward and 2 steps back, which yields no progress.

You weren't harsh Brit, you tell it like it is and I appreciate it. I've said it before but I'm really going to work it this time... Thanks again for your feedback!

Dakota,

Thanks for your feedback as well friend. I am almost at the point where you are, I am ok with whatever happens. Obviously my desire is to try to give it another go, but it's kind of a snowballs chance in hell I feel.

The text and phone call delays were my attempt to play "as if". You're right I am just going to be me, and we'll see what happens. Thanks again Dakota, I know things are going to continue to look up for you and your kids!

Good luck to you guys and everyone in your respective sitch's!

[scaredsilly]

"Because of my trying to be a "nice guy" and give her and the kids anything and everything, I overextended myself, ended up resenting her for it, and then drinking and verbally abusing her fueled by my pent up resentment."

how will you handle this if you r with your W or in your next relationship?

[Broken74]

Thanks scared,

Going forward, I'm going to always be a kind and thoughtful person, but I'm done being a "nice guy". That book really pegged me, my behavior patterns, and my past relationships. I have always went over the top with my "giving" to women, and been drawn to women with significant issues that I thought I could help or fix. I've finally figured out fixing other people is not my responsibility. I'm also sober now. I have had a social beer for business reasons here and again over the past few months but am done getting intoxicated. I was binge drinking before to medicate other problems in my life, I have learned that is counterproductive and won't be doing that again.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that R with my W is highly unlikely. I am more than willing to put the work in but she is obviously not interested. I am going back LRT but am not confident that will do any good, and when I file given her recent behavior chances are she'll sign and that will be a rap. If that happens I will be just fine. I finally realize my value as a man and partner and the fact that is no way tied to anything materialistic or fiscally related.

I also finally see that my future is bright either way. I have done the best I could and loved, protected, and provided for my W and stepkids the best way I knew how, although I did make significant mistakes along the way. I took on a pretty heavy load in falling in love with a single mother of three with two totally deadbeat dads in mix. I've came to accept that maybe I'm just not the best man for this particular job, and that sometimes our best just isn't good enough.

Man when I go back and read this I feel like I've been defeated and am giving up. I've worked hard at things in my life, but I've never worked harder or invested the emotional energy that have in trying to fix my sitch. Despite my changes, forgiveness, prayers and unconditional love, nothing I've done over the past 10 months has helped my situation significantly at all. I accept the fact that my W very well has left me for good for the first bloke that she got a response from on match.com. Maybe he's the perfect man for the job, if so I hope he makes her and my stepkids happy.

So back to the LRT for me. My oldest SS 17th birthday is Sunday. I'm giving him a card and an SAT study guide. Spending the weekend with my parents and brother in celebration of my Mom's 70th birthday this week, very much looking for it.

I guess this turned into a journaling exercise as I just started spewing lol. Thanks again for your question and feedback scaredsilly you really got me thinking...

Good luck to you and all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

A bit of good news on a Friday morning! At least I didn't scare W away from her music... She continues to play the same songs... Ridiculous mind reading I know, but I don't buy the argument that "I told you so, Remind Me, or Unchained Melody" are break up songs. They are all about second chances and hopes of reconciliation, and she puts them on repeat. 2x4 to myself for mind reading I'm stopping now ;-).

So now that I think I may not have screwed up royally time to pay no attention to this at all... Maybe the music will bring her back...

Looking forward to a great GAL weekend with my folks and brother, hope everyone has a great weekend and good luck in your respective sitch's!!!

[Broken74]

Eventful weekend... Got a thank you from my SS for his birthday gift (SAT prep book and card with encouragement words about school and test/college preparation).

SS: Hey thanks for the present and the card! I really appreciate it!

Me: You're welcome, I hope you had a great birthday! If you're game for tennis or Japanase one day hit me up. Take it easy!

SS: Or instead could we got to like a regular batting cage and u pitch some to me and me hit? I'm trying to work on my batting cause I wanna try out for baseball again.

Me: Sure man sounds like fun. Let me know when you want to do it and we'll hook it up.

SS: Okay. Only problem is I don't have a baseball bat or any baseballs lol So we'll have to use tennis balls or something and I guess I'll have to find a cheap baseball bat or something.

Me: Don't sweat that I can round up a bat and balls just let me know when you want to do it.

SS: Okay :-)

So that can be nothing but a positive that my SS would like some baseball practice help, that gave me a little boost. I am looking forward to being able to spend some time with him regardless of the new information I came across below.

Today come to find out OM enlisted his FB relationship status to "in a relationship" with my W. I am not friends with W and I had OM blocked. To confirm this, I unblocked the OM, and sure enough this is true. W had unblocked me some time ago for whatever reason, she does not advertise her relationship status publically not that it matters at all.

This is the straw that breaks the camels back for me. I called and spoke to her ex-father in law whom I am still friends with. Her mother left him about two years ago and has been married once since and is getting married again. I belive that will make number 7 or 8. And this is what I married into. His advice to me was cut bait and run as hard as I can, that if I don't see the forest for the trees at this point I need to get my head examined. I FINALLY agree with him and EVERY OTHER FRIEND AND FAMILY WHO CARES ABOUT ME. The good thing is a few months ago I would have flipped out over this. Not anymore. I am done, finished, finit. Came here to vent on this and I will be adhering to the 48 hour rule before doing anything except speaking with my attorney to get the ball rolling. It is hard to accept the realization that I have been played for such a fool, but it is what it is. I made my mistakes, but it is obvious that her MO was to milk me dry until she could find a bigger fish to fry. Perhaps the OM will be in for as much of an eventful ride as I got.

I am removing my self imposed dating restrictions at this point. I have my mojo back and am going to exercise it the fullest to enjoy my life, everyday. I may have gotten played by someone that I thought I knew, but I have learned and that most certainly will not be happening again. I have also learned a lot about myself in this process and will take those lessons to heart going forward.

I wanted to give a heart felt thanks to any and all who have ever read or posted to my threads. I cannot tell you what a tremendous help you have been to me from the bottom of my heart. Although I am not getting "what I wanted" when I started out here, I think I am going to be much better off in the long run as a result. I did the best I could stepping into a stepfather role of 3 when I had no experience. As a result of this, I know that I want a child of my own in the future. If it were not for the experience I had with my stepkids I may have never came to that conclusion. I hope to maintain a R with my stepkids but only time will tell on that. More than likely their relationship will continue with my W affair partner instead.

Man, I can't believe I am done Divorce Busting. I am not only dropping the rope, I am burning it. I was prepared for this to happen on 8/27, as they say life is short I guess I will be thankful this realization came 38 days early.

I will update this thread to the conclusion of my sitch, so hopefully it can serve as a learning tool to others. There is a sense of peace and calm about me now that I haven't had since this entire diatribe of nonsense started. I am really incredibly glad this over, and am looking forward to my new life. I am happy to have permanently departed limbo-land.

Thanks again to everyone and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Vorlon]

Broken74,

Dude you are Broken-No More. This post is the healthest I have read from you. Sometimes we are the hammer and sometimes we are the nail. I think your just became the hammer. Feels a heck of alot better doesn't it!

I was a nice guy in that use of the term. I am no longer. You may not be a nice guy in those terms but its still a helpful place, especially for men. Many of the men I read on here have gone there and many more IMHO would benifit from it but they have to find it and themselves on there own. We all have to learn it at our own pace. Good luck my friend you are on the right track.

Vorlon

[Broken74]

Thanks Vorlon that means a lot, I greatly appreciate it. I can't say I feel like the hammer yet, but I am certainly done being the nail, and I do feel much better. I have been seeking closure to this one way or the other, and I have the proof that allowed me to settle it now. One of your posts for me personally has been the most valuable thing I have read on these boards.

1. You are the prize
2. You are a good man that any good woman would want
3. You can't change the past
4. If your W is unhappy that is her problem to deal with
5. If you have issues, fix them but not for her
6. There is always someone else who will apprcieate you
7. There is always someone else in worse shape than you
8. If you want to be happy fix YOU first. You can't fix her.
9. Decide if you want to be married to the alien that has become your wife..If so, why in the world would you want that???
10. The sooner you get your head on straight and realize you can handle life without your current wife. The sooner you will get the wife you want and deserve. That may or may not be your current wife.
11. The pain will not go away or lessen until you face these things and take action.
12. It is all up to you. You decide how long you suffer. This is not negotiable.

I laminated this and it is now the bookmark in my bible, if I ever lose it I'll be making another one. Thank you for this.

I'm going to check out the NMMNG forum. That book pegged me like no other or no one ever has. After reading that it's no surprise why I found myself into this situation. I "nice guyed" my way into a marriage with an extremely materialistic and manipulative woman. Then I had resentment which fueled my drinking and verbal abuse because I didn't feel appreciated for all of the "nice guy" things I was doing. If I hadn't started with the "nice guy" treatment from the start I am confident we would have never gotten married, I am sure she would have passed me by for a more lucrative host.

This has been a long hard road, certainly the hardest trial I have been through in my 38 years of life. You and many others have helped me through it and I thank you all. I am just happy that the finish line is in sight now.

Thanks again and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

Man, it's one thing to talk Billy Bad-ass and another thing to feel that way... Struggling here like it's the bomb drop all over again because in some circle their R has been made public.

My stepson texted me yesterday and wants to take batting practice, we're tentatively going to do that on next Monday evening. Then he texted me later just chatting like he's reaching out to me. Or maybe she has his phone, who knows. I'm going to text W on Sunday to the effect of "SS wants me to pitch him for batting practice on Monday to get ready for tryouts. If there is any issue with this please let me know."

My improvement over time is that I haven't spoken to her in any way. I have determined what my plan is action is going to be regarding the filing. I am going to present her with the paperwork with my signature on it. She will have to sign it and file it herself. I feel this defines my boundary while giving her the opportunity to express reservations if she has any.

Really struggling to come to grips that W actually has full blown left me for another man. I have to find some self respect to let this go but I still love my W. I think I have a screw loose because I shouldn't.

So I guess I still am DB'ng in a way because I am hopeful that things will take a turn. If they don't her destiny will be in her hands to execute on 8/27. If that happens I won't be looking back.

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Brit45]

It is hard to accept the realization that I have been played for such a fool, but it is what it is. I made my mistakes, but it is obvious that her MO was to milk me dry until she could find a bigger fish to fry.

you were never played for a fool. You can choose to see it that way that you were taken advantage of. But i've read your posts...every single one of them. You can paint yourself the victim if you want...or you can learn. You're deciding that she was malicious but I don't think it was that case. you're saying this out of hurt.

what did the FB status change? Nothing. you learned nothing new. You knew she was in a R yesterday why's it any different because it's on FB?

I know it's hard to see. And the fact that it's still affecting you (to me in my opinion) means you're not ready to date, to say you have your mojo back.

Work on forgiving her for whatever she did and for whatever you think she did, work on forgiving yourself for choosing to get involved with someone who wasn't financially and emotionally stable, work on being happy for her truly happy for her in whatever she chooses.

I think you need to work on your self esteem issues, so that you can get to a place where you believe someone can love you for you and not how you can provide for them or what you can offer them.

And then hopefully you can meet someone who is YOUR AGE, and financially and emotionally stable. Your equal.

filing for divorce and getting a divorce won't stop you looking back. you'll continue to look back or make the same mistakes and be unhappy until you resolve your issues inside.

just my thoughts.

[Broken74]

Hey Brit,

As always thanks for your feedback, as usual much of it is spot on. The fact it's on FB changes nothing except get me spun up. I do still have work to do, I am looking forward to 8/27 and what it holds either way. :-)