Please someone out there, I need some help. Yesterday afternoon W texts me that the lawyer will be mailing out papers today. I knew that this day was coming. I had thought that maybe because it had been eight days that she was struggling with her decision. It hit me hard. I texted her back. Why did it take so long.? The papers were done in February. I told her I would have given the separation a year. Are you sure this is what you want?I could feel all my DBing going right out the window. I got angry. I called her. I was not texting about something this important.
I might have mentioned this earlier in my posts, but I will refresh so people dont have to go back. Years ago I was working on taxes and wanted to see how much of my cell usage was business related. I noticed that we were not getting paper bills anymore. I called the server to inquire why. They told me that it had been changed to Internet billing. I said that was fine, how do I get on. They said you need the password. I said I need the password. The account is in your wifes name so we cant give it to you. So I called W and asked for the password. She said she wouldnt give it to me. I got mad and went to town to confront her. She met me in the hospital parking lot. I said I want that password. She said trust me please. And nothing else. We went around and around. Still no password. Trust me. I finally just decided to trust her and dropped it. Has the years unfolded, and other things came to light, this just started to eat at me. What was she hiding. Why did she feel that she needed to test my trust. I trusted her with my life until that day.
I told her yesterday that I would not sign papers without some answers about some of the things that she had done in the past. I wanted three years of cell bills or no signature. I was not going through the rest of my life wondering what was going on with her. I was finally going to stand up to her. And now here I sit, four am, wondering if I should of just signed and let her go. Or fight to find out what the hell is going on. So many of you found out that there was a OM. I may go through the rest of my life never ever knowing. She at least owes me that. How do I cope with not knowing this. Please give me so insight out there.
She has done a very good job of hiding this from you and now she almost has gotten away with it and is free from the consequence of her actions
In her mind.
I am not trying to mind read but that is what cheating spouses do.
You?
You have to decide whether you will let yourself be broken by this.
You can try to force and find out the truth but what that give you Dakota?
you already know the truth the rest is just details.
The difference for you here is whether you will allow her actions and choices to kill you
Or
You decide for yourself what you want and forget about her. let go of what you don't control.
it may be time to show you this:
This tragedy and the choices of your spouse against you is probably the toughest thing you will ever have happen to you in your life. It is certainly a traumatic event to say the least because it is the destruction of your life and what you thought you could trust and believe in about love and sharing your life with someone. When that belief and trust is shattered you have to feel and deal with its loss. You can go in any number of directions: -run away -blame and get angry -you can beg or plead -you can try to coerce, control and punish In the end you have to find your own answer and THAT Only comes from making your own choice. Not because of what someone else did BUT in spite of it. Choose to love in the face of all the anger, agony and pain. In spite of what you feel you are a victim of. In spite of how others may perceive you. In spite of your own self doubt.
Choose for YOU and you will find what it means to love another. You will find what it means to love yourself. You will only get this awareness after standing through much pain. Constantly questioning yourself and your beliefs. Testing your fortitude.
Then you will emerge with the truth. The truth forged in a fire. Your own truth.
The you will know the freedom and peace that comes from knowing that NO ONE can ever take that away from you.
[Some of the tactics and boundaries we might employ, while they certainly are an expression of what you do not want in your life, they can also cause us to make choices BECAUSE OF SOMOENE ELSE. It causes us to lay our self respect on the foundation of demanding someone else confirm us by either doing or not doing something. It makes it all too easy to lay the blame on the person choosing not to conform to our demands. You run the risk of not making your own choice for your own reasons. It relieves you of that responsibility. And you will not know your own truth because it has been written by someone else. It was written Because of someone else. When you STAND up for what you believe, in the face of this, it becomes clear that you are truly free from the consequences of the choices of other people. Then you don’t need boundaries.]
In the end love endures and does not fail. Finding that out though, is a hard way to go.
I can only say it is worth it
Your spouse has the journey to take as well. They are trying to find the answers to the same questions. They think it lies in another person or relationship. And they will find it or they won’t. Until they do their life, love and relationships will be broken. They as we will repeat the same mistakes until they learn this. Until they do the M is broken.
And you have no power over it. Your power and your salvation rest within yourself. So this is an opportunity to ask yourself:
Who am I?
What does love mean to me? Is it defined by its expression by another? Or how I choose to express it?
So do what you will and feel what you feel. The consequences and the failures only bring you closer to the truth IF you have the courage to keep stepping toward it.
Many obstacles will be put in your path to overcome:
ND, my advice would be to just assume that she IS/has been having an affair, and try to move on. What purpose would it serve now that she's served you? Is yours a "fault" or a "no-fault" state for divorce? If it's the former, and adultery is a valid cause for an action, then that's another story.
I'm sorry you're hurting today. This is one of those things that, even though you know it's coming, still kicks you in the gut. Try not to make any major decisions in this raw emotional state.
I haven't followed your entire sitch -- just skimmed it, just now. Have you retained an attorney yet?
thanks guys, and yes I had an attorney look over the papers. Everthing is has we agreed. She is not taking much. I have a tough time figuring that one out. Does OM have lots of money? Is she feeling guilty about something?
My weekend at the lake was good. All the kids were there. The D was sad because W wasn't there. I missed her too. Since I got the papers I cry each morning when I wake up. I hope that does't last forever. I must let her go and let her find out who she is. I've done everthing posible. I've left no stone unturned. I thing I've fought the good fight. But now it is time to quit and move on with my life. Not an easy task. W was a better wife though the years than what she has to show for it. Her freedom must be very valuable to her!
Truegritter, thank you so much for your post. I think I was ready to hear it. It's has if it was written just for me. Very powerful stuff. I have read it many times and will continue to.I will learn to follow what it has to say.
Well I have not been here for some time now. The other shoe has certainly dropped. The D was final 6/26/12. Sure didn't take very long. I think i'm still numb. I'm having a pretty tough time. I hate being alone and on my own. EX seems to be doing just fine. I wonder how long before she starts dating or comes out in the light with OM? I still feel in my gut that there is someone else. I know it would be easier to forget her if I had somebody. But I know it is too soon. Right now I would be bad for anyone. I try to stay busy but it does'nt always matter. I thought right up to the end that she would change her mind. But I have to realize that the W that I once knew does not exist.
Wow! Sorry to hear the D went through so quick. So she was definitely on a mission.
That's not uncommon and while you likely will be down about it for a while and right now think that you'd not want to be back with her, the reality is, it happens. Not trying to give you hope, just what does happen sometimes.
If you want to break it down to the bear bones, your W decided she wanted out, had some pre-conception about you, and wanted to find her happiness elsewhere. It is very possible she won't find any happiness "out there" and reality will sink in.
So this is where your opportunity lies, whether your W's eyes open up to your value or not.
Begin to rebuild your self esteem and take a good look at yourself and consider what you may want to make better or change about yourself. This truly is an opportunity for you to make yourself a great man who would be a great catch for any lady.
It does not have to be if you do not want to consider it right now, but... it might even be your X, one day...
