I am going to break this down into a couple posts, so that the thoughts don't run together....



Originally Posted By: Breakdown
So let me run a scenario by you and see if you can steer me in the right direction. Let's say this week runs out, no bumps, she starts feeling comfortable, asks me to go for a beer on Fri. My mindset has got to be, live in the moment....enjoy life, be happy, laugh, but expect nothing. This doesn't mean she doesn't want a divorce, this doesn't mean she wants to work on it, it's just a beer and some chatter. If I'm ok with a beer and chatter, I go, and go for that. If I'm not, I should decline.

Now, this is where we fall into old habits. We'll come home, probably ML, hold hands, watch TV and fall back into our normal life. I think I could probably do that with no expectations...if I really think about it. But would this be cake eating on her part? If I give her everything she's wanting, how do I ask her to work on the relationship? If she thinks everything is fine with me (which in this scenario, she probably would), how would she even know to bring up the R and working on it?


BD...

This is where it gets twisted a little for me....

You posted a few days ago, that she told her EA that he was the reason that she got up in the morning...

Yet you are still available to her at her every whim.

Is that something that you are comfortable with ?

It could be considered cake eating, although I never had a real clear definition of it. : ) I guess it could mean it in any way that YOU think it means....

So if you think it is ? Then so be it.....

It is definitely having the best of both worlds.

I would make it a goal to not accept every invitation from her. Don't make yourself so available to her.

And don't do that just to be an asshat either...Be a little less available because you are getting out there and doing things for yourself.

Create some mystery around yourself.

You are allowed to live a life too...

And you can fill it with whatever you want to fill it with.

Let's say that you decline 2 out of 3 offers from her.

What do you think that she would think if you stopped showing up at her convenience ??

What would she think if she invited you to go out with her, and you said " I'm sorry, I have plans, and I need for you to be home to watch our children" ????

And then you stick to your guns, and go out and do something for yourself.

It is part of DBing....GAL

It would also be a 180 for you ? To not be on her leash ?

If I remember correctly....

Jealousy
Insecurities
Controlling behavior
Judgmental behavior
Superiority behavior


How is what you are doing, moving away from these ?

And what steps can you take now to move away from any of those ?

From what I see, you being so available plays into those...

Ask yourself this....by being so available, am I moving closer to me, or further away from me ?

At that place, is where your answer lies.






As far as asking her to work on the relationship...

I don't think that you should expect that to happen, even if it does happen, it should be a natural thing.

Did you focus this much on what that meant when you were dating her ???

Or was there a natural, unspoken progression to it ?

It all stems from her actions anyway, not her words. What are they telling you ? What are your actions telling her ?

Words are just words, until the action matches them. Be careful with them, because they will lead your actions....


How sharp are your words ???

And do they match what you really mean ???