DB Bootcamp -- Breakdown and Mach1

[Breakdown]

Well, she got home at 915 or so...I was already in bed and falling asleep so I wasn't really upbeat. However, nothing negative came out of my mouth. I asked her how the meeting was and told her good job on getting the business. I asked her if she ate the dinner I had left out for her and she thanked me, but said she snacked and would eat it today. She changed, and asked me if I wanted her to sleep in the other room. I said, "if you want" and she said "I'm asking what you want." I was kind of in and out of it and didn't really pursue it, and she just hopped in bed.

I see now that she actually texted me about 855 saying "sorry, otw now." So again, I'd consider that a baby step in the right direction.

We had slated tonight as a catch up night for dialogue and the post session we missed, so I'll ask about that when she gets home from working out, but won't apply pressure. Simply, are those plans still on?

It is part of the push-pull that occurs when you DB.

You push, she pulls away...

You pull away ?

She pushes....

Recognizing what MIGHT happen in these situations is the balance that you are looking for here. The problem, as it seems, is that you feel her pushing toward you, that you start having expectations about what "might" happen if you over compensate for this or that.

What is something that you might be able to do, to recognize that pattern of behavior ?

What is something that you can do when you do recognize that ?

Letting go of expectations...

You didn't expect to be married after one date with her...did you ?

Think back to a time in your relationship, when you had zero expectations...

How were you then ? What do you see differently now ?

I'm trying to wrap my head around this. I'm not sure I've completely got it. I see that my expectations are getting in the way, but I also think I may be giving too much to her without a commitment. My end goal is really for her to say "I want to work on this"...she hasn't said it once since the bomb 17 months ago. She will say that she's trying to be better about communicating or something, but never anything about repairing the R.

So let me run a scenario by you and see if you can steer me in the right direction. Let's say this week runs out, no bumps, she starts feeling comfortable, asks me to go for a beer on Fri. My mindset has got to be, live in the moment....enjoy life, be happy, laugh, but expect nothing. This doesn't mean she doesn't want a divorce, this doesn't mean she wants to work on it, it's just a beer and some chatter. If I'm ok with a beer and chatter, I go, and go for that. If I'm not, I should decline.

Now, this is where we fall into old habits. We'll come home, probably ML, hold hands, watch TV and fall back into our normal life. I think I could probably do that with no expectations...if I really think about it. But would this be cake eating on her part? If I give her everything she's wanting, how do I ask her to work on the relationship? If she thinks everything is fine with me (which in this scenario, she probably would), how would she even know to bring up the R and working on it?

She said she's moving out at the end of the month and wants kids every other week. She would rather swap weeks at the house so the kids aren't uprooted every week, and I agree, that is probably better short term, at least until we get out from under the house. I see an A today to go over what my options are.

Really ?

That means that every other week, that YOU get uprooted from your home.

And you are okay with that ?

I see way more internal conflict with that, down the road.

Yeah, I am with you on this one. She's painted scenarios of us divorced, and asked me if I'd be willing to help her if things got tough with her job. My response was something like, "I'd want to make sure the kids were ok, but it's not my responsibility to be your parachute if you choose to leave."

I was really just thinking about the kids, but I think you're right on this one.

3) Last night, we talked a long time about her issues. Ultimately, she feels trapped. She feels controlled. She doesn't have the desire to try right now. She isn't saying she doesn't want to be with me, or work things out, she just desperately needs some space to work thru her own issues and see if she feels differently about our past. I get that, and I do agree....but I asked if there wasn't some other option that would allow her to get her space (i.e. in house separation, every other week w/o divorce). I think this probably seems like pursuing, but I really worry about the damage we might be doing to the kids just so she can figure out what she wants. Thoughts?

I think that you should rest on this for a couple days. Then read your own words again, and see if you have a different view of them.

She is telling you that she feels controlled....

Is she ?

And let me ask you this....

What have you shown her differently about yourself since the bomb ?

I think I've been thinking about this all wrong for the last year. Initially, I kind of let her do her own thing with minimal complaints but after a while, I really started saying "this isn't working for me." At that point, I started pushing for some change. I justified it by saying I wasn't asking for much, and it was a level respect I would ask for even in divorce. From one point of view, I still think that is accurate. But, the problem has been that she sees this as controlling, and I can now see that control is her #1 issue. So for probably 6 months now, she sees me trying to control her. When we talk about R, I think when we talk about her issues, I try to help her fix them...again, she sees "my way" or control. I've done better about listening, and trying not to fix everything, but when you flip our R on it's head and say "what can be viewed as controlling in the last 15 years...or even 25 if we go back to HS"....holy crap.

There certainly was control...when we were young, and even the first 10 years of our marriage. Now, even when I think I'm not asking for much, she sees control....and then she runs.

So the real question here is how to ask for nothing, and yet eventually get something. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I think it's got to start with trust and no expectations.