from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

I appreciate that stern talking to. Felt like I needed to be shaken/waken up.

I want to report on a few interactions, but first some changes I have become aware of.

In the past I was a little flashy with my body. Not embarrassing or inappropriate, but I would choose tops that were possibly a tad bit too tight or low cut. I am proud of my body, but in honesty I was using it to attract attention. In my M I felt empty, and so unconsciously I sought attention from males to fill me up, give me a sense of worth. I was the mom at the kiddie pool in the string bikini, if you feel me.

Even worse, my affair. I was unhappy, and instead of looking inward I turned to another man's arms. Of course someone else can't fill you up with love, esp in an A type situation.

It was never a conscious decision, but at some point something changed inside of me. In thinking of what I want in a M, I realized it was a soulful connection, not one based off sexual chemistry. I saw the signal that my behavior was putting out, and did not want to continue attracting the same reactions. I don't want to be wanted for my body or appearances, I want to be loved for me, Jamie. I want to be in a relationship who values waiting to be intimate, and takes the time to foster a R with me first. My R desires have matured from fake instant gratification to appreciating real love. I respect the "true love" concept so much that I don't mind this limbo sitch.

My clothing and mannerisms have changed so much. I'm actually modest now, wanting my body to be private. I want people to see ME, not below the neck. I focus on making heartfelt interactions with everyone that I come into contact with. I even have a new tan line from wearing shorts and tank tops at the kiddie pool . There are many opportunities for me to have a man at my home, but I'm incapable of feeling good about any aspect of a sitch like that. Life even gave me the opportunity to express my beliefs with 2 males that tried to "go there". I was polite, but stated how I really felt about it. And these 2 males have even more respect for me. I've learned how respecting yourself is the best example for you expect others to treat you. I'm feeling really good these days
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Ok, so here are my updates...

25, I opened the door for intimacy with H, and this Monday it happened. H was at my home waiting for me when I came home from my night shift. It was an amazing powerful connection. Like this sitch didn't even exist. Afterwards we fell asleep in each other's arms for an hour. I stayed in bed while he got ready for work. He woke me up to tell me goodbye and kissed me twice. No real interaction since, but I know that is expected. I'm not affected by his distance, didn't knock me off my PMA platform. Again, I'm feeling pretty darn good.

This is where things get a little iffy-remember how I said I wanted to be in a committed R before being intimate? Um it applies here too. It was a great moment, and nice to see that we still have that connection. BUT, I don't really feel lined up with the thought of doing it again. Yes, we are M, but the reality is he really isn't any different from any other guy right now. I really really need to be in a committed R before being intimate again-including H.


I have also set some boundaries. This has less to do with the sitch and more to do with me making decisions that would need to be implemented after the D. For example...

H sent me some sexual pics today. I let him know that I valued our friendship and wanted to keep our relationship at that level. Told him I felt it was innapropiate to continue to act in a sexual way with someone that I am not in a relationship with.

H showed up out of no where today grabbing himself (before the pics). I let him know that it is innapropiate for him to show up unnanounced at my home, and there wasnt really a reason for his visits. Hinted at the future and that one day someone else will be in life, and pointed out how innapropiate this would be.

I use to give H a check for my half of the debt. This was mainly to see him/make my responsibility visible. I have contacted the creditors and am paying them directly for my share of our debt. I'm am doing this bc I like being responsible, not for any other reason.

Turned down his offer to watch the girls on his week. He wants this life, he gets to live this life. If my girls really needed me I would be there in a heartbeat. But I'm not helping him make his new lifestyle easier for him to live.

I would list more but we don't have much interaction. I only reply to his texts, I don't initiate them. I treat my responses as if he were a friend. I don't get mad if I don't hear from a friend for a week, and I don't do it with him either. I don't keep score cards or act in a manipulative way, so I have stopped doing that with him too. I appreciate my friends for their positive traits and do not harp on the negative ones, and I made the choice to treat him the same.

I feel amazing, I feel strong, I feel happy. I'm proud of myself and the amazing woman that I am. I know I'm not done growing (are we ever?) but I AM done shrinking away. For the past few weeks I have had no desire to work on the M or even think about being in a R with H. And that's ok. That's how I feel right now, and I know things can change in the future. But what feels amazing RIGHT NOW is getting out of his way, living my life and appreciating all of the amazing things in it.

sry this was so long!