My Story

[25yearsmlc]

Lost

Please read this post I've written to you. I care about your sitch and I see hope in it but it'll mean reading this and THINKING about it. But know one thing for sure.

We ALL have parts of ourselves that are not parts we are proud of, yours truly included. It takes a tough strong person, a "real man" to really look in the mirror.

It's all I'm asking...

OKAY SO-

You wrote a lot of things JUST THIS MONTH, about how you hoped your wife could see that you were FINALLY realizing how deeply you had hurt her.

You confessed that in counselling you realized how self centered you were being, making this all about how YOU were hurt and afraid,

and how YOU were being affected and not about your wife's feelings at all.

You could not OR WOULD not wrap your brain about the level of betrayal you had done to your wife.

But you seemed to want to "get it". You were bravely staring at some pretty ugly things in you that most of us never want to look at even though we all have some of it inside.

I was impressed and hopeful.

(* For the record, per YOUR WORDS, BEFORE the big photo sharing event w/a man she doesn't trust or even like-

She complained that she was frightened about your temper and that you are critical and controlling.

Do NOT forget that....it's painful but crucial you remember those things

She told you....)

so now let's look at your own words and see how fast and dramatically your short lived "self improvement" efforts fared,

the DAY you learned she was seeing someone else...

I am doing what I am supposed to as far as trying to take care of this for D.

We met at a bar/restaraunt that I used to go to. She was a waitress.

Never had complaints about her wanting to go out. If anything she would complain about me always wanting something to do. If I don't say so myself I'm pretty young for my age. People that guess my age usually guess between 28-36. Her one complaint though was that she didn't have any friends.


um, she had other complaints. You know this b/c you wrote it. Perhaps she meant she was not free to have her own friends, apart from you.

Does it matter now?

I wonder if your wife is testing you and your commitment--if so

then you are not passing my friend. You need decide NOTHING today...



I never stopped her from anything. We always went out, traveled and such. She never really tried to get friends and always said she loved my big family.

Really? Um, okay. Do you have a lot of friends apart from her and you two presenting as a couple? You said, in your own words that your problem in GAL is that you liked doing things as a family.

Here are some other things YOU wrote and I really want you to take a hard look at your words,

all of which were written in the past TEN DAYS...


Good IC session. I don't think I fully understand how bad I hurt W. And she knows I don't understand. That is why she is not ready. I need to try and understand how I hurt her and what she is feeling. I need to try and be safe.

I feel terrible. I feel like the whole time this has been going on I have only been worried about how it is making me feel and not W. I have only been concentrating on what the sitch is doing to me. My actions caused this. I did this to us.

She has been trying to tell me how she feels and what has done to her but I have only been worried about what is happening to us. I hope I can let her know somehow that I realize that now.


A FEW DAYS LATER (you still ignored that WAW letter I posted)... then....you wrote this:


She's been seeing someone. She says they're just friends. But I know the connection is there. A big arguement happened. W ran over my foot with car while leaving. She called police so that she wouldn't get charged with hit & run. Police charged me since I try to stop her from leaving.


Wow, so it's over BECAUSE she's seeing someone...Not someone she claims to love, but b/c you "know the connection is there".

How do you know? Is that b/c he cares about her feelings and "gets it"

Or b/c you are mind reading?

Then, you argued with her and then you say she ran over your foot but YOU got charged.. I practice law and I figured a piece of the puzzle might be missing there...usually police don't arrest the person who was "hit" by a car...

you kind of left out the part about how MAYBE she felt like she had to flee b/c you were physically trying to stop her...so that what? So You could keep arguing?

Do you notice how UNobjective your take on this still is? Do you see how UNhelpful that is to your cause?

You were doing that "blame her" a lot in your earlier thread until the IC you saw finally seemed to get through to you.

IMO THAT PATH is the only path back to reconciling or at least to real growth...

Even after the insights you had from the counselor, the MINUTE your ego got bruised, you went right back to making it all her fault and minimizing your own actions... You still have not told us how you tried to restrain her b/c you did get charged w/it. Which is what you did when you forgot to tell us about sharing her private intimate photos..


W then picked up D from daycare without me knowing. I went to pick her up and she wasn't there. W or FIL wouldn't answer the phone. I was in a panic.

I can see how it might be frightening to you and she certainly could have handled that better. She could have left a note, for instance. But my guess is you frighten her, for real. She's said it before and you admitted it in your IC.

IF that is true, you need to look in the mirror to change that.

What did you do when you say you were in a panic?

I don't think she and her father would all make this stuff up and suddenly "hide" your d from her unless she thought you were out of control.

You did try to physically restrain her from leaving in a car...that's a fact per your own words. OR did you touch her physically? You have to start owning things, somewhere.

Lost, I want your marriage to reconcile or for you to at least learn to be happy and at peace from all this. I'm "on your side", okay? But that means looking at the truth of the situation which is the only way to fix things.



IMO you do sound like you need more professional help and that is NOT an insult.

I've Been there, done that.

Just think though, If I feel, as a stranger, intuitively just from reading your posts, that you sound a bit unhinged, then might your wife fear you could do something "off" to your child?

If I feel, just by reading your posts carefully, that you leave out big chunks of your own personal responsibility and then forget what you said earlier, which Is how we know you omitted crucial details, then might you do that in real life?

I also know women (like Alamo's wife) who abuse that fear, or make it up, only to keep their child away from their ex. IT's wrong and it's terrible. But I don't get that feeling from your wife.

Your own words and posts here careen from one extreme to the other, in short time spans.
I don't get a strong sense of you being centered and balanced, so I'm guessing your wife has at least some valid concerns. You said your wife "needs to feel safe" around you. Her seeing someone else does not change that at all. In fact it makes it more necessary.

Why not see your IC more often and get his/her take on this?


Finally found out D was with W. W filed an order of protection against me. Saying I was dangerous. I am now talking to a lawyer tomorrow. W stated that I was a danger to my D.

I have lost all respect for W. We have had our bad arguements and today was one of them but I have never physically hurt anyone or threatened to do so.


So, what happened at the car when you stated you tried to prevent her from leaving? You yourself admitted to it and you said it was a bad argument b/c she was seeing someone.

BTW, You did not express concern to her then about the D, just the OM...And you were furious enough to try and restrict her movment in anger.

My suggestion, and it's just one---
TRY HARD TO EMPATHIZE WITH HER b/c even if it is over, you cannot demonize her.

I do think she feared you'd call the cops on her for running over her foot (something that my son and brother have both done to me accidentally, NOT in anger and not too painful incidentally.)

So is her calling the cops to fend them off, really so out of the realm of earth?

I don't think it was the best choice but I wasn't there and didnt' see your behavior.

Just THIS MONTH you admitted that she fears you and has said so in the past. So it does not strike me as her being vengeful or crazy.

Just not well thought out maybe.

Speaking of NOT well thought out....


W won. I dislike her so much right now and made me want a Divorce.


Look at that statement^^^ CAREFULLY...is that the man you want to be?

She "WON"...??? Won what?

So this is a contest! That hits the nail on the head in the letter I sent you from another WAW...please Lost,

read that letter again and imagine your wife writing it b/c she sure could have, imo.

AND Then you say she "Made me want a divorce" so it's still all her fault.

Wow, so it's All about her and OM now. Not you! NOTHING YOU DID! Um, remember what you wrote less than 2 weeks ago about how your actions lead to all this? Remember that part?

Lost, you are better than this. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, be the best father you can be

and become a man only a fool would leave.

The OM is an escape hatch she felt she needed b/c let's face it, you have NOT been the h you thought you were.

Deep down, just this month, you knew that.

Why not get back to that part of the growth and become the man you were meant to become, instead of being an angry bitter pouting man/boy having a tantrum b/c his ego is wounded, who will suddenly

change & revise the whole marital history into one of her "cheating!!!" which would be a lie, and would serve no one. And it's beneath you.

Own your life and your mistakes and let her own hers.

Be a great dad. No woman is unmoved by that.

And never forget this----

considering the amount of forgiving you seemed to expect/demand from her

with mere weeks of inconsistent DBing effort on your end,

try giving HER the benefit of the doubt

and SLOW DOWN to take a breath...

Become the best man you can become, learn to let go of the past, hope she'll do the same so you two can go "from this day forward" like the marriage vows tell us...

Forgive yourself and others, and Once you KNOW you've put your ego and wounded pride aside,

and become a man only a fool would leave,

then you can hold your head high and know you gave it your best, and leave the results up to God.