Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

Well, just got done meeting with the T. Bad idea. He totally made me feel worse. And maybe it's just because he's making me face reality.

He told me what H said. It basically comes down to H can see that we COULD be happy together but he doesn't ever know if our connection will be as good as the connection he has with OW. Plus, he sees his choice to walk away from our religion as a huge issue. He said maybe one day he would like to come back to it but for now he is done. Well, obviously, how could you want to come back when you're sinning immensely??

And then at the same time I feel like our religion is just what he needs to help him get through this to see things more clearly. Family is the heart of our religion along with God and having that constant confirmation in his life letting him know that he's made the right decision could be very powerful and aid him in being sure about keeping our family together.

T told me that he doesn't see H and I ever getting back together unless H really sees what he's losing. Until he gets the reality of what D is really like and how life will really be with OW. Which basically means... start looking at filing for D and moving on. You don't necessarily have to get married any time soon and over time you may very well have a chance to make it work once he's gone through that process. Which, of course, would take about 2-3 years and is still not guaranteed to happen.

I told him that I did not want him sharing anything that I've said in our session today with H. I don't feel like he deserves to know anything about me anymore. He's so secretive about what he's doing... it makes me sick. The T said that H only went a couple days without seeing OW until he missed her and had to call her and be with her. When I thought he went 2 weeks. So why couldn't he have just told me that? What does he think he's accomplishing by lying to me consistently?

I am jumping off the roller coaster and do not plan to meet with this T anymore... at least, not any time soon. It makes me focus too much on what H's feeling and doing and I just can't go there right now.

Btw, in response to H's concern about us not having the same connection as him and OW... he's right. It will never be the same but it could be sooooo much better than anything he has with her because he will have the sense of fulfillment of family. And the fulfillment of overcoming a huge obstacle together. Growing together and seeing the good in each other that we so obviously lost sight of. If that doesn't bring people closer together... I don't know what does.

[Accuray]

Sorry JKS -- as you know I also have a spouse with connection comparison issues.

My original suggestion was to see a family therapist to work out some "rules" for how you will both handle things with the kids. Unfortunately the therapist kind of highjacked that and tried to take it into MC. Maybe you can find a real family therapist or a child psychologist and try to go back to the original plan?

I do think it will benefit you immensely to have some rules in place regarding the children and OW.

Accuray

[2thepoint]

T told me that he doesn't see H and I ever getting back together unless H really sees what he's losing. Until he gets the reality of what D is really like and how life will really be with OW. Which basically means... start looking at filing for D and moving on. You don't necessarily have to get married any time soon and over time you may very well have a chance to make it work once he's gone through that process. Which, of course, would take about 2-3 years and is still not guaranteed to happen.

I agree with the first part about your H needs to see what losing you will really be like. I disagree though that is necessarily has to translate into divorce. And who says the "process" has to take 2-3 years? Once you set him free then reality has a knack of stepping in rather quickly!

Btw, in response to H's concern about us not having the same connection as him and OW... he's right. It will never be the same but it could be sooooo much better than anything he has with her because he will have the sense of fulfillment of family. And the fulfillment of overcoming a huge obstacle together. Growing together and seeing the good in each other that we so obviously lost sight of.

The connection with the OW of which he speaks is purely driven by the excitement of the illicit affair. Once he is free and reality sets in and the shine wears off, he will then need to make a decision.

Whenever religion is involved, there are always going to be severe pangs of guilt and remorse and the pull of the OW will always be strong...until it isn't any longer. IYKWIM.

Hang in there J. Do what is best for you and the kids. Keep the focus on you. Turn your back on your H for now and live your life. There is an entire would of possibilities out there for you to discover. Go make it happen!

[jks]

2thepoint... how do I set him free without divorcing him? OW's lease is up in Sept and I have a feeling that him and OW will be looking for a place together at that point. He's still living with his parents and I'm sure he's sick of it. How do I continue to still be married to a man that will be living with his GF? I just feel like I lose more and more self respect as I let him continue. Like, hey, I'm still here just in case you change your mind or just in case things don't work out for you two... but go right ahead and continue on!!!

I've been thinking about what 25 had said about H being put through a lot of pain while living with me but I honestly don't think that he EVER experienced pain to this extent even ONCE throughout our M. This pain is TORTURE!! It is the kind of thing that makes you want to end your life because it is so hard to know that you have to move forward with it forever in your life.

Hence the reason I said I wanted to move away. And it is almost worth leaving my children in order to stop feeling this way and to be able to move forward without constant reminders that he's still here and him and OW are doing just great!! I just want to cut myself out of the equation. Am I going around and around in a vicious cycle? I feel like I had posts like this just last week.

I HATE THAT I WENT TO THAT THERAPY SESSION TODAY!! I was feeling so much better until that session.

[jks]

2thepoint... how do I set him free without divorcing him?

Nevermind, I will answer my own question... let him be... let him live his life... and live my own. Continue to GAL and stop expecting anything from him.

After 5 months of reading about this... you'd think I'd have it tattooed somewhere. Maybe I should!!! Ha!

[BklynMom]

Your T was terrible. Don't go back to that person. Do some research and find someone new. Just my 2cents

[2thepoint]

2thepoint... how do I set him free without divorcing him?

Nevermind, I will answer my own question... let him be... let him live his life... and live my own. Continue to GAL and stop expecting anything from him.

After 5 months of reading about this... you'd think I'd have it tattooed somewhere. Maybe I should!!! Ha!

Given enough time, I knew you'd figure it out, J.

Just do your own thing. Live your life, let him live his. Sooner or later something will shift and then you will know what to do.

[labug]

When you really think about it, how has talking to the T changed anything. I don't think he told you anything you didn't already know, did he?

You can do this, this pain won't kill you although there are times when you might wish it would.

Keep your focus on the woman you want to be, and keep moving on your path toward that.

[reachingHigher]

Oh, jks. I'm never good with advice. I don't do the things I should in my own sitch!

But I have grown so fond of you and love reading your posts. I cry with you when you cry and hurt when you hurt.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry it hurts so bad. And I'm glad you are getting good advice from other posters. I think about you often and really want you to be strong. You are. You just hate the pain. We all do.

I want things to be better for you.

So here's a good night hug.

(((jks)))

[reachingHigher]

I went to a really bad T for one visit in March I was so discouraged I didn't wanna look for another one.

I talked to another one on the phone but didn't feel that "click".

So these months later I found a good fit. I've found it helpful that H came with me on the first visit. Now I've gone 3 or 4 times alone. That way she can picture what I am saying when I talk about H.

This is working for me. It's worth looking for someone that works with your goals and you really like.