Relationship Goal #4: h feels comfortable enough to have a meal at the house with s and me Achievement: sometimes it's hard to tell if I've reached a goal. I have a picture in my mind about how it would look, and it may not necessarily be that, and then I'm not sure if i was anywhere close. From sg: That picture is what you really want. You need to define this for yourself, if you want this goal, get this picture.
Yes, I will do that. i think i understand how it works - you make the picture in your head and then just work towards it, believing it can happen Otherwise: “i've had the longest voice mail ever from him a couple of days ago - relaxed warm voice which was a real treat after sooo many months of curt short verbal shots. also he seems to answer when i call or calls me back pretty quickly and sounds very relaxed on the phone. i've even had several how are you's - asked as if he really meant it and wanted to know. i don't think it occurred to him to ask me how i was for over 10 months” From sg: This is really wonderful!!!! What were YOU doing lately that lead to this, because, absolutely you are doing something RIGHT. Be sure to answer this.
I don't think i realized until recently that all these months HE was mirroring me. so when i started becoming more friendly and open, he seemed to relax more
it was little things like phone calls - i wouldn't pick up right away, and take my time calling him back. i wouldn't initiate any calls unless i absolutely had to. i was rejecting him in ways i couldn't see, but he could feel very strongly - for e.g.. when i'd call to say goodnight to s, as soon as he picked up i would just say hi i called to say goodnight to s. now when he picks up, i take the opportunity to have a cheerful conversation with him. in reaction to my earlier way, he started handing the phone to s to answer, now he answers every time (maybe he's looking forward to talking to me - evil grin!!!) and we have a light easy chat
now, i just treat him like a friend - i pick up and say hi cheerfully and ask him how he is. i think i was being so LRt before that he felt it really heavily and it reminded him constantly of what he was doing. and that constant reminder kept him focused on that, and he couldn't relax around me.
i got into such a habit of worrying non-stop about everything i did, and whether i was pursuing or not, that my anxiety must have come through. the minute i stopped all that and just started acting like i used to with him (during our good moments), he seems to be responding better.
as i look back, i see that i needed that long period of going dim for myself to get to a more detached place, and that this is just how it goes. at the time i thought i was going dim to "get him back" but now i can see it was to get me to a good place
thank-you sg, for taking this time with me. i hope my answers weren't too tediously long
i am going to write the next set of goals - defining/redefining on the ones that i have right now.
take care zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
