Relationship goal #1: “h asks me to join him and s when they are together to do some little activity” Achievement: “he hasn't done that literally yet. don't know if it counts that he called and repeated several times - "just letting you know we are going to be at the cracker show if you want to come" it felt as if he wanted me to come down there, but couldn't ask directly.” From sg: I’m not sure why you are not counting that. It doesn’t have to sound like a date. It’s a BABY STEP. Now, the important part: what have you done recently that you think helped to create the atmosphere that he could allow you to go? Please be sure to answer this question.
ans: as far as i can tell -
1. i let go of boundaries with the house - asking him to just walk in instead of knocking, - dropping a boundary i had put into place last fall which was really stressful for him and caused him a lot of agony and which actually was back-firing on me and his family
2. i'm not sure about this one, but letting him know that i was worried for HIM about us sleeping together and how he couldn't manage it, rather than showing neediness myself 3. staying absolutely consistent after he said that he was not going to do it again, not getting upset at all and not showing any change in my demeanor towards him - in fact acting even friendlier and flirting a bit
so in other words: not to display any behavior that points the finger at him as he's doing something wrong (the house boundaries brought that up for him in a tremendous way), unnerving him about his picture of me being the needy one who wants him back and for the third - staying consistent in my reactions with him no matter what he does (that is, not showing any judgement whatsoever). -
Goal # 2: “when we talk, that i shut up more and more, and really learn to LISTEN better”
Achievement: i think i'm getting better at this. i know i sound confident here - but when we do talk, i do get nervous and edgy and find myself focusing on those feelings and trying to hide them, and then don't always pay attention to what he's saying in some ways. will keep working on that
From sg: GREAT! How will you know that what you are doing here is important TO HIM? What will he DO differently? How will he respond so that you know you did well?
answer:
uuuh (hesitate) that he will open up more? that his voice will relax and he will talk naturally instead of all tense and abrupt and terse? that he will initiate more conversation
Goal #3: “h stops feeling and implying that i am helpless and need his help until i get back on my feet (his words)”
Achievement: “i think i achieved this goal - in a phone call last weekend - while he was going ballistic about what someone else was doing to me - he blurted out. "what's wrong with them? can't they see you're this confident amazing woman, who's got her [censored] together". the issue was that this other person had targeted me assuming that because of my sitch i was vulnerable. i had to discuss it with h, because s was involved and we needed to make a decision together”
From sg: This makes you a DB SUCCESS. It might not be the whole ball of wax, but you achieved a small goal, and from these goals, you achieve the big goals. NOW: A: What actions of yours helped you achieve this goal (be sure to answer this question)? B: How do you keep doing more of y
WOOHOO!! believe me, sg - when he said that i had the biggest grin on the other end of the phone saying to myself YEEEEES!!!!
okay now to answer: A: I have no idea!! no i'm kidding. by the end of the second month after BD - i started acting as if - all the as ifs'. i also started working. mil helped me to set up a sale in this really fancy store downtown. it was in march. until then, h never so much as asked what i was doing he walked in there and got blown away - I was back in business, back to the zig he met, able to throw a fantastic show together. for the five years after the accident, he never thought i'd do anything ever again -neither did i for the most part
my actions - i've just put one step in front of the other, faced each abominable fear as it came up (and some of them were overwhelmingly huge - the night before the show i cried for 4 hrs while i worked, petrified of stepping back into the world again) . no matter how much he has challenged me with this sitch, i have shown up for every family occasion , with a smile on my face db'ing my butt off. no matter how messed up h and s have been at drop off and pick up i have smiled and encouraged them to go have a good time together, no matter how messed up i've felt i haven't once shown him that after october. i've used the incredible resources and love around me to prop me up through it all, and thank god i found this board, because it propelled me faster and further than i ever thought anything could
sorry that was a bit of a dramatic answer there-
B: just keep moving toward the person i'm meant to be. months ago it was acting as if - now i'm not acting, this is who i am. i don't have to pretend anymore - i just try to focus on loving him and s, not in terms of what they do, but in terms of who they are to me
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
