Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[AJM]

For fun, Lobster Boy, I get it though. You made that prediction way back when. You were right.

To continue the fun... does it matter?

Let's face it Tad, you were right all along. You'll be right for a long time. The only difference is that you are still working through extraction from she-who-should-not-be-named.

There will be more and you know it. You could still sit down and write a book about it. With illustrations.

But you're getting much better at your perspective. Now turn that energy to you and treat you like you would want others to be treated by you even more than you have been.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Jack, Antonia and AJ.

Everyone tells me to come on this board and read or write. Doing so helps me so please forgive me. Just my thoughts:

I really do see what you are saying Antonia. This post has nothing to do with anything X has said or done, but...I'm beginning to think that maybe I AM a loser. I sure do feel like one.

It is 3AM Monday morning here in Arizona and I can't sleep. Sunday was a downer day for me. I am still on the anti-depressants but I can almost feel the depression creeping in again. I've been smoking like a train again too.

I have no desire to really do anything or go out and meet people. I called things off with one of my lady friends yesterday. I am just not ready. To be honest, I don't want ANY relationship right now. I've got to call the other two this week and call it off with them too. I realized that I was just using them I guess to try to help me feel better. It sounds awful but I really have no feelings for any of them. They were my bandaid and it isn't fair.

I don't really trust anybody either. I guess you can say that I am cold/numb right now. I feel like my heart has hardened and wonder if I'll ever be able to let anybody in again.

I need to do something with my life. Problem is, I really have no motivation to do anything. I've thought about just moving far away and out of state and start completely from scratch, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I need to do something though. Something soon.

I feel weak. It has been 21 months since bomb drop and 9 months since D was final. Why am I still struggling at times? Why does it still hurt and will the hurt ever go away? I hate the setbacks and feel like I had a big one today. Funny thing is, I don't know why....

A friend of mine reminded me the other day that I am the "winner" in all of this. I have great relationships with my sons and I get to spend a lot of time with them. While that is nice, it is hard seeing myself as the "winner" at the moment.

I've also found myself thinking about what happens when they all leave the nest. Then what? Then, I'll really be alone.

I did have a down day but I know that I am getting better because things don't bother me as much as they did, I don't feel like a victim as often and I don't think about her all of the time, but damn....

I just wish it would all just stop. This has been going on far too long.

Tad

[whitneypinch]

Tad,

Thank you for being so honest !

I too sometimes feel EXACTLY how you are feeling right now, so you are not alone.
I find that in a few days all these negative feeling pass, usually when I get some sleep (which is rare).

I hope you feel better soon.

[job]

Tad,
It takes time to recover from what you've been through. The contact that you have w/your xw sends you into a tail spin and you have got to find a way to toughen your skin. Unfortunately, she's going to be around a long time because of the children.

I think you are too hard on yourself. You are expecting to turn your life around in a matter of months. Tad, it doesn't happen over night. You are going through the pain now and growing from it. You are not self-medicating like the mlcer is right now. That's good.

Take each day as it comes and find at least one thing to smile about. BTW, you are not a loser! Tad, you will get through this.

[warriorshadow]

Hi Tad,

Very strange on how things are huh? I am at the exact point you are

and am experiencing much of the same. Although I am not a smoker,

the non motivation stuff is dead on. Just to show you how exact this is

turning out to be, I was told I was the "Lucky One" in all of this

less than 8 hours ago. In my book, "Lucky One" certainly seems

to be a synonym for "Winner" so you are definitly not a loser.

It is still way better to be a LBS any day of the week. There is

no way I would want to be in her shoes, ever!

You still got this Tad so don't give up!! I still think you are

very wise to come here and let us know how you are doing.

It is important that you recognize the great relationships with

your sons. That is one of the holy grails that are present for

us in this journey.

WS

[seeking answers]

Nice to see you WS!

Tad,

It's been almost 3 years since BD, and I still feel the way you describe every once in a while. It was more prevalent early on, but the episodes don't last as long anymore.

I have read it takes one month for every year you were married to finally start to feel whole again and that starts from the time the D is final.

You're expecting way too much of yourself as far as how fast your healing goes. I suspect you tried to rush it and that's why you involved yourself with other people. I'm glad you realized how much potential there is to hurt others by being in relationships that you're not ready for.

There really are blessings in you life to be thankful for everyday. Going through this fire really does strengthen you. I definitely see that coming through in your posts. Keep working on yourself Tad. Your perseverance makes you a winner.

[Kimmerz]

Hey Tad,

Well Im glad Im not the only one going through this! Yesterday I had a big set back and found myself crying on and off all day.

Tad our x's are mean sprited and have no mercy what so ever. Any interaction with them is like going into the boxing ring in one way or another. I asbolutely hate that it's come to that for so many of us, but it has. Everytime I have a "round" with XH, it really takes it out of me. I hate fighting, I don't like arguing, and I don't understand why people dont want to problem solve. But I glove up and go in as needed. It leaves us depleted and empty Tad. This is the result of horrible emotional abuse.

Stop being so hard on yourself and really look at what your XW has done to you and how it's changed you in the process! Though what these people do to us is in NO WAY acceptable, the cold hard truth is, we actually play a role in it too. This isn't anything we should be ashamed of, but we really can learn from. An extreme lack of self esteem and poor boundaries is the part we play but really become blind to see that it's happening. We do teach people how to treat us Tad....and that's one big lesson I've learned during my ordeal with XH.

I for me at least, when I've felt the most rejected and horrible about myself was then I really started to believe and drink the Kool -Aide that XH fed to me about what a horrible person he felt I was. I did this because he had such a way of twisting the truth and words that it made me really start to think it was me.
Does this sound familiar Tad?

What these MLCers do to us is NOT love Tad. Anyone with their head on straight, that has compassion and consideration for anyone else in this world would never treat another as we've been treated, divorce or not.

You're a good man Tad. Just still recovering from some serious wounds....that still get salt sprinkled on them from time to time.

[tested metal]

I am also going throught this. Tad, you hit my feelings and reactions right on the head. I could not put it until words, but you did! Thanks!

I will start examining this more closely now.

[AJM]

Hey Tad. I remember when I hit a similar wall. Broke off relationships for similar reasons. In my case it was because I knew I wasn't able to give honestly to the relationships.

But I look back at those many months of coldness and realize it was then that I truly began to heal. I truly let go and accepted. It svcked. But it was probably one of the greatest things during this process, to happen for me. Without that time period, I would not have truly let go. It's been a slow process and I still sometimes feel that way. But only briefly now. Very briefly. So much so that when I learned ex was getting married to OM, I barely cared. In fact, I was hopeful that things would improve for me because she would be more focused on him. I still feel that's possible although latest signs are that she is not yet ready to do that. No matter.

After that "winter" for my feelings, I realized a few things. I realized this didn't happen TO me, but rather FOR me. Truly it is shaping up to be the best thing that happened for me. I had a good marriage Tad. I did. That was then. I realized along the way that I really only wanted her back so I could get closure. I then realized I could get closure without her in the picture. I would have hurt her (emotionally only) if she came back. I can almost guarantee that. The inequality is too great for me personally, no matter how much I'd like to say otherwise.

I realized during that time that I was slipping into depression. I realized it wasn't that bad but I had to make sure it wasn't going to stay. It was up to me and me alone.

I realized that depression is not worth it. So I found the items remaining that I was holding on to and let them go. The hopes, the dreams, the whole shooting match.

I accepted more fully what is, vs. what I wanted.

I let it go and let God.

Looking back, I see now that I couldn't have planned how things worked out any better for me. I hate it for my kids, but for me things worked out better than I could have worked them out.

The sun came up the next day and I realized that I wasn't going to spend my life pining for somebody like that. I wasn't going to shy away from the decisions I needed to make in my life. From doing what I know is right for me to do, even if it wasn't what I wanted to do. That was when I started my real journey towards freedom from the insanity and craziness. The real freedom that is my life.

I'm free from her BS as much as I can be with the kids in the picture. As she throws darts, I learned to accept them and realize they have no power over my feelings. They are her opinion and her hatred and anger. Her issues. They are not mine. They lost their power when I realized that and accepted it.

That all occurred during that "winter" you are describing.

I decided to live well. I decided that nobody has the right, for any reason, to prevent me from doing that. Nobody.

That was also when I fully forgave myself and took those first steps forward in my own healing.

I'm not fully baked yet, Tad. There are times. But I know how to deal with that now. They don't last long. I don't need other people to validate or help my self esteem.

I am me and nothing more. I can remember without anger, the memories of those times. I scratch my head and I keep those memories for reference when I am confronted by something she is trying to do. She still tries to take my kids or to control things about me. But I remember she is the same person that climbed all over me and offered me sex if I would initiate the divorce. The same person that said she never loved me. The same person that left home and is angry I stayed. The same mother that left her kids with me on mother's day and blamed me for being too harsh with the kids. I remember and I pray that she is going to one day be ok. I pray that she is one day not going to be that angry person. I pray that she will one day find God again. That she will one day relinquish the control before it destroys her.

But as for me, I know I have no part in her life. And I know I don't want her in mine.

All of that solidified when I hit that wall you are describing and I thank God for that horrible time. Every day of my life.

Don't let it go too long without a positive outcome Tad.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. Lots of responses to my last post. Guess I hit a nerve. Lets see if I can respond...

Thank you for being so honest !

Just trying to put my feelings down. Sometimes this board is all I have. Even though, I was a radio announcer for over two decades, I have a very tough time with words and am not the best writer. I'm used to saying the most I can with the fewest words possible.

I think you are too hard on yourself. You are expecting to turn your life around in a matter of months. Tad, it doesn't happen over night. You are going through the pain now and growing from it.

Thanks Snodderly. This is true, but she seems to have turned her life around overnight and is moving on with no pain. She's getting married in a year and buying a house like our life together didn't even exist.

My S19 told me the other day that he is still waiting for his mom to come home from work. He said it was like she went to work, but a different person came back. Yeah, it was that quick.

It is still way better to be a LBS any day of the week. There is no way I would want to be in her shoes, ever!

Well mine is putting on one hell of an act then.

I still think you are very wise to come here and let us know how you are doing.

Haha. I sometimes think I come here too much.

I have read it takes one month for every year you were married to finally start to feel whole again and that starts from the time the D is final. You're expecting way too much of yourself as far as how fast your healing goes.

Ug. I can't imagine going through this another 17-18 months. I guess I am expecting too much, but I thought it would be easier than this by now. It also doesn't help that she is getting married in a year. It may have been better if she would have gone ahead and done it already. (Not that I want her to.) And...I AM better, just not where I would like to be.

I for me at least, when I've felt the most rejected and horrible about myself was then I really started to believe and drink the Kool -Aide that XH fed to me about what a horrible person he felt I was. I did this because he had such a way of twisting the truth and words that it made me really start to think it was me. Does this sound familiar Tad?

Very familiar. I have started to believe it myself too. How could this person that I trusted with everything think I was so awful? She has said some really mean and nasty things to me and told some very disturbing lies about me to our kids, her family, my family and her friends.

Tad, you hit my feelings and reactions right on the head. I could not put it until words, but you did! Thanks!

You're welcome....

It's been a slow process and I still sometimes feel that way. But only briefly now. Very briefly. So much so that when I learned ex was getting married to OM, I barely cared. In fact, I was hopeful that things would improve for me because she would be more focused on him.

Yeah, I told myself that the worst was over and that she really couldn't do much more to me now. I still hurt though. Sometimes very deeply.

Looking back, I see now that I couldn't have planned how things worked out any better for me. I hate it for my kids, but for me things worked out better than I could have worked them out.

Wow AJ, I really wish I could get there and see that about myself. I see me WANTING to get through this, but I don't see me GETTING through this. Make sense?

They are her opinion and her hatred and anger. Her issues.

How can somebody be so hateful and that angry? It baffles me. What the hell are they angry about?

Tad