In home separation? Off / On? Still WAW? Dunno

[breakdownbill]

Ok i'm gonna reply to these posts individually, starting with Chatterbug...

Thanks for the encouragement Chatterbug, I really do feel like I've had this realisation over the past couple of weeks that I can re-take control of my life right now.

I've decided that I don't want to stay in this situation anymore, nothing will change unless I change it.

What I need to figure out is what my next step is.

Options

Move out

Give my w an ultimatum about MC and no contact with OM (whilst being prepared to follow through with what I state)

File myself (sounds knee jerk - but I have been considering it for the last week, but need more time to confirm this is definitely what I want to do)

I did fess up and tell my friend what had been going on and he was not shocked, because he had suspicions. He supported me, but to the point that whatever I decide to do he'll back me 100%

I wish I'd told him sooner, because he was great about it all. He did what best friends do best, listened, cheered me up and got me drunk :-)

[YankeeCandle]

It could very well turn the tide.

My question is, do you sense any desire from her to keep things going as they are? Is she comfortable with the status quo (in which case it defo needs a shake-up)? Does she talk about D?

I ask because - well, just be prepared to go it alone for a while. My bet is that after a bit of time, she will realise what she had.

Use your time to practice assertiveness.

[chatterbug]

I would not move out.

The children need a safe environment. That environment is their current home. With the stable parent leading.

If your going to do the boundary then you should prepare for it being broke or not.

So get your paper trail started. That way you can present it all at once.

Dropping the hammer.

[chatterbug]

What I am saying is that.

You have two paths in front of you.

Piecing or separation.

So outline the steps that are needed for both.

Then do the pre work to be able to follow either path.

If it is separation. Get all finances in order. Figure out bills etc... Get snapshots of everything and be prepared to separate it all. Start on the co-parenting plan. Figure out communication etc...
Write it out how you want it and be fair and honest.

If it is getting back together to work on it.

Then you need to list what needs to be done to regain your trust. And how you want to work together to repair the damage.

[breakdownbill]

Hi Brit

Thanks for your post

I think it's what she's looking for (in bold below)..

God knows that's how I felt. I think if she may really want you to put your foot down. I did a lot of crazy stuff because I was hoping to get some sort of reaction out of him and he'd given up in terms of saying anything.

It's like when I was gonna move out not long after the bomb & I ran the riot act at her & told her how I felt about her. She backed down & and things were good for about a week or two.

I know when I'm assertive & stand up for myself she likes it & I have been getting better on that front.

A DB coach would be a great help but I really can't afford it.

But I will ask what is it that you really want? And what will get you closer to that goal?

Great question Brit, I want to be in a healthy relationship again. I want to be able to trust my partner, I want a relationship where we make decisions together. I want to be respected, desired, loved and appreciated.

Now I guess it's a lot to want from a relationship, I'd love to have that with my W again, but that's not realistic.

If we did piece things back together, and I didn't have these things would I just be settling?

I just think enough time has passed in this stalemate now & that I'll need to play my hand soon & I'm edging towards an ultimatum with my W - which i'd be prepared to go all the way with.

[breakdownbill]

Hi YC

Yeah I definitely think the status quo is comfortable in some ways, and it has to be shook up soon.

I'm edging more towards an ultimatum, everyone on here is pretty much against the LBS moving out, which I totally get.

I'm still going to sit on this for a while & work it out in my head.

I've got my graduation tomorrow - hopefully it should still be a good day, my W kids & mum & dad will all be there.

Wish me luck

Bil

[breakdownbill]

Hi Chatterbug

Great advice here

If it is separation. Get all finances in order. Figure out bills etc... Get snapshots of everything and be prepared to separate it all. Start on the co-parenting plan. Figure out communication etc...
Write it out how you want it and be fair and honest.

If it is getting back together to work on it.

Then you need to list what needs to be done to regain your trust. And how you want to work together to repair the damage.

you are so right about getting prepared before I throw this out there to my W.

I know what I want / need to happen before I'm prepared to piece our M back if my W chooses that option when I give her an ultimatum.

If it's separation or piecing, I know I can rely on good friends here and around me who'll have my back every step of the way when I need it.

Bill

[chatterbug]

Its good to have a plan bill. Either way you are leading. You are making choices that you know you have put thought into.

Winging it and what ever she decides is not an option.

This will change the dynamics greatly.

[YankeeCandle]

Good luck with it Bill. It will show your strength in this situation, and I have a feeling it's the kind of thing she needs to see.

[breakdownbill]

Had my Graduation on Tuesday & I was worried because my W would be spending the whole day & night with my parents how things would be. A few times I could tell my W felt awkward (understandable)but on the whole she was fine.

I had a blast on the day, it was great catching up with some of my friends & lecturers. My kids were there cheering me on & the day was really special to me.

I'm still sitting with my thoughts about coming up with a plan & a few things are running through my head.

The biggest barrier right now for me is financial - I won't have any income until September & the kids break up for 6 weeks summer holidays tomorrow - so I can only work evenings & weekends.

The problem I've been having is finding temporary work - most of the jobs I've been going for I've been over qualified or they haven't been temporary roles.

I've been playing over the conversation I want to have with my W & just wanted to gage what you guys thought about it.

I was going to bring up an R talk and say something like this...

W I've been thinking about what you said, that we didn't get any closer on holiday & I think that we have both put up a wall that stops us from making any progress in either working things out or going our separate ways.

I've tried to give you space & had time to think what would help our situation.

For me, I can't continue in any relationship with you whilst you are still in contact with the OM. It doesn't matter to me if you say nothing is going on anymore, because it does 2 things for me.

firstly it prevents me from even trying to re-gain any trust for you, and secondly it shows that you have no respect for me as your H.

If we were to try & work through our issues I would need you to agree to NC with the OM (give up that dance class) and to go to MC.

I will understand if you don't want to do these things, but please understand that I am no longer willing to stay in this M the way things are and if you continue to see the OM I will be filing soon / seeking legal advice / Moving out.

I think these are the only 3 things I could use as an ultimatum - I'm still sitting on this because it's only been a week or so that I've contemplated the possibility of filing myself (I'm leaning towards that choice)and my financial situation.

I really think I need to shake things up - otherwise I'm just going to waste months (maybe years) cycling around this, when I could be progressing one way or the other.

Bill