i can tell very easily when he is in a high state of anxiety, especially after "refreshing" with KD about it the last couple of days.
he ranted and raved and ranted and raved. it was a bit odd for me, because he insisted the opposite of what he had said he wanted to do to apply for the financial aid, and kept going on about me being wrong. i want to say that we were both saying the same thing, but he was skating so hard and fast from one end to the other, that i couldn't figure out what he was saying at all. (irrational?)
i really kept cool - didn't have to try, just kept "validating" and saying you're right, until he calmed down.
then there were the taxes - he asked - and i i gave him the answer, and he went on a rant with that one, really laying into me. i think he finally realized what he was doing because he suddenly stopped and said oh well it doesn't matter right now. i just validated and said you're right, it will work out when we start plugging in the numbers. i also took the opportunity to thank him profusely for taking care of all this stuff for 10 yrs, and that even though i'd always been thankful before, i only understood what he had taken on, now when i try to attempt to learn how to do it. he said it had caused him a huge amount of stress
on to the next thing - he was on his way to the board meeting at s's school and he went into such a rant and bitchin' about that, that i was quite taken aback. i just kept validating - and hey, surprise - it eventually calmed him down and he actually got cheerful at the end (i think this rant was a result of my apologizing and thanking him for taking on the stress, because he ended that part by saying dismissively - oh that's all in the past now, we can put that behind us)
right after i got off the phone, mil called. i said to her - i'm a bit breathless, h just finished going off the deep end for over 20 mins. she said - oh you should have seen him here before he left (he moved to their place yesterday) - he's losing it and is already so stressed out around us he can't hold it together. her words were - looks like things are falling apart around him.
i told her - you know mil, i've changed so much - a conversation like that with h would have brought me down, but all i could think through the whole thing was - oh i wish i could get off the phone here. but the best part was i didn't get pulled into it for a second - it was like i was watching from a distance.
i really wish peace and ease for my h. if there's anything i feel right now is sadness and compassion and a genuine desire that if he chooses to take the path he's on, that at least he has some happiness to go along with it.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
