What is it that depresses you about the tattoo? Are you assuming that he went with OW to get it or something? Is it of her face?
Lots of people have tattoos on their backs. How about this - if it makes him happy (briefly, in the now), why is that a negative for you?
What if you complimented him on it? ("Hey - nice eagle/cross/symbol/whatever" - in kind of a bemused tone). Maybe ask him where he got it - say you've been thinking of getting one?
Just some thoughts to help adjust your perspective, especially in light of 25's observation that he may fear that he won't be forgiven.
He got it shortly after I discovered the affair. So I've seen it. When he told me about it I was very positive, which really surprised him. He said, Oh I thought you wouldn't want me to get it because (OW) has one and you'd think I was getting it cuz she influenced me.
It's of an eagle and every time he points it out I say, yeah, the detail is really good.
Honestly, it's a really nice tattoo but it's what I connect it to that gets me down.
BTW: I went with him to one session. He also talks about wanting our kids faces on his body. HE HAS NEVER BROUGHT THIS UP BEFORE THE BOMB!
I associate the tattoo with his affair fog. He's still deep in it. We are/were struggling for money and he was borrowing money from his mom to pay for a very expensive tattoo.
Also, If I hadn't seen the tattoo today, something else would've gotten me down. He spent the whole day here and when he does, he can say or do something that triggers the past. I know, I need to let it go, but this is my struggle when we spend this much time together.
I don't think he noticed. I was pretty quiet today though.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Took kids with H to swim class today. It was nice. He left just now to take the kids to his sister's for lunch and a swim. I was hoping (not expecting) that he would invite me. He didn't, but I'm ok...
I was thinking, we're at the point where I can invite myself but I'm not ready to. Weird, ha? I'd rather stay away from him. What if he says something else that causes a trigger?
I can also imagine him inviting me. Maybe not next time, but soon. maybe next 3mos??? That can be my goal.
Instead I'm gonna go watch the movie Ted by myself. Funny, but I really miss doing that! I get to sit WHEREVER I want! and eat all the nachos!! I don't have to share
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I need help right now. I had a trigger and it gave me a migraine. I can't be doing this. I was at an indoor playground when I started getting tunnel vision. I waited for it to go away before leaving and driving back home.
But I need ideas on how to block it.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I put some thought into your sitch this weekend. Before I get ahead of myself, is OW still in the picture?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I read your sitch and first you have come a long way...don't ever discount that. I can't imagine how you must have felt and what you must have gone through being pregnant and discovering that. Don't ever (also) doubt how much crap your H has put himself through for that. Men always want to be seen as a good father and a good man and he probably has put himself through the ringer for that...
So the way I see it there's three things that could happen: a) you get back together he never talks to OW again b) you don't get back together and he stays with OW forever c) you don't get back together and moves on with someone else.
in all of those outcomes you two will still have children together and be around each other AND he'll still have that tattoo.
For a very long time I let myself ruminate about how H was doing things with his GF and not with me, how big events were happening in the UK and I would always remember that he was with someone else during those times. You have to let go. You have to decide to forgive...even if you never get back together, because it will eat you up and tear you up inside. You are almost LOOKING for something to trigger your pain. The tattoo which you say you've seen before, but because he took off his shirt and you saw it you decided to concentrate on it rather than the fact that you were having a happy family day out together.
My DB coach told me I was real good at seeing the bad IE he may have done something amazing, but he didn't do it right, or he had to ask me for something or whatever. She said to work on seeing the good and it's made a world of difference. She also said to find anything to be happy for him. And so even though he went to a music festival with her that we'd talked about going to and that some of my favorite bands were playing at, I decided not to be jealous or resentful and instead said I'm really happy you're getting that opportunity. I hope you have a lot of fun. And you know what I found myself being happy for him.
The fact is the affair happened. Nothing now, will change that, but you change how you decide to live with that having happened now.
Someone much wiser than me posted that if you are ever going to have a R in the future you have to forgive and let go or there's no point in being married. you'll just be together and be miserable.
I decided in my head that H and I were over, that all he was offering was friendship and I could accept that and enjoy it or I could sit on my high horse (alone) and punish him for his decisions and his rejection of me. Right now, your H is offering you friendship and co-parenting, can you accept that if that's all that's ever offered?
This is my take FWIW. I see one of your triggers is set off when you spend time with your H or when you have to think about spending time with him.
The reason I asked if OW is still in the picture, is because it makes it difficult to gauge any progress towards reconciliation. Therefore, it might be a good time to set some boundaries on spending time with him. It will help you detach and it will help protect you emotionally.
For me, once it was confirmed OM was in the picture, I drew the line. I decided that I wasn’t going to be anyone’s 2nd choice. No more lunches, dinners or family outings together.
I felt it gave our children the wrong impression. It also allowed me to take my focus off of her and to live my own life. I was no longer gauging progress. As far as I was concerned, I was a single father.
I know that goes against the advice I posted about making the most of your opportunity of interacting as a family. However your last few post make me think that it puts you in a tailspin when you interact with him.
Just food for thought.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Your right, it happens when we spend a lot of time together. However I need to make the decision: Do I continue with family outings even though OW is in the pix and suck it up? OR Do I discontinue family outings until OW is out of the pix?
This has been a struggle for me because I do enjoy the family outings, now more than before.
My trigger today was not at a family outing. I was driving his truck and he had his overnite bag in the back. I considered washing the clothes since it stank but then I remembered the times I had gone through it and found stuff. I got a rush of excitement at the thought of snooping and completely stopped myself.
Problem is that the aftermath of that rush made me come crashing down. So you see it wasn't something he did or said or anything. It was me!
Ques. I need to reframe my thinking of the sitch? See it as a casual friend so that I can put a stop to the triggers? Sounds the same as detaching. Which is where I'm struggling.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
^^^^^ YES!!!!!!! This was a hard 2x4 someone gave me but it's true he's not "with" you. Someone told me this and it stopped all my me vs her in my head.
Assume the worst. Assume he's spending every single night with her. There it's done no more need to snoop or panic or worry just assume the worst and move on.
It feels to me as if you are waiting for him to say she's out of his life, and then you two will get back together. It also feels like you still have a lot of hurt about the affair and that he's continuing ti see her. The more pressure you put on him the more she might feel like "the fun option" my DB coach said make it easy to come home. and if you limit his time with the kids because you're still hurt then it make you look like the bad guy.
She means nothing. You are probably making a bigger deal in your head then what's going on. The more you think about her or bring her up to H the more power you give her in your life and your R with H.
How would your thoughts and actions change if you stopped thinking of H as your H and instead as your best friend? Or your co parent?
Could you decide to forget about reconciling for the time being and just concentrate on enjoying spending time with him?
From everything that I am reading in your posts, all of your triggers have a common denominator. Interacting with your H.
The fact that we are even discussing triggers tells me that you are far from detached.
You said in your post that you need to make a decision on how to proceed with your interactions with your H.
Some questions for you to ponder:
Are you able to grow on a personal level with things as they currently are or do you feel stuck?
Do you feel like your sitch wears you down emotionally in its current state?
Are you afraid if you change the dynamics of your sitch, that it will push your H further away?
You said that you have to see him as a casual friend....
Do you drive a casual friend's vehicle?
Would you consider washing a casual friend's clothes?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
