DB Bootcamp -- Breakdown and Mach1

[Mach1]

Well, I've been confused and back and forth on detaching versus actively working on things and it's become clear over the last few days that I should have detached. My problem was, every time I did detach, she pursued me and I took that to mean she was interested. The result was that she never got the space she needed. I see now that I should have forced the space, at least until she was ready to commit to working on things. I basically let her sit on the fence for the last year and got walked on continually.

We had a great time at the wedding Sat....we danced, kissed, acted like H/W & family. Sunday, she decides she's doing her own thing again...disappears for nearly 4 hours and when I went to store I saw her car at the local bar. I went in and found her with OM (something for work she says, and I honestly believe her as she wasn't drinking). I was panic'd, and tried to explain my feelings (without getting mad), but she decided to get mad instead and say she's done (again). She felt like I was stalking her and trying to control her....I can see her point, but she refuses to see mine. I should have detached and let it be.

It is part of the push-pull that occurs when you DB.

You push, she pulls away...

You pull away ?

She pushes....

Recognizing what MIGHT happen in these situations is the balance that you are looking for here. The problem, as it seems, is that you feel her pushing toward you, that you start having expectations about what "might" happen if you over compensate for this or that.

What is something that you might be able to do, to recognize that pattern of behavior ?

What is something that you can do when you do recognize that ?

Letting go of expectations...

You didn't expect to be married after one date with her...did you ?

Think back to a time in your relationship, when you had zero expectations...

How were you then ? What do you see differently now ?

She said she's moving out at the end of the month and wants kids every other week. She would rather swap weeks at the house so the kids aren't uprooted every week, and I agree, that is probably better short term, at least until we get out from under the house. I see an A today to go over what my options are.

Really ?

That means that every other week, that YOU get uprooted from your home.

And you are okay with that ?

I see way more internal conflict with that, down the road.

1) should I agree to every other week in the house or should I make her take the kids for the week she wants them. She's going to stay with her brother and I think that's crappy for the kids, and her brother's family. I have read "don't move out" a lot, but I'm not sure where this one lands.

There is a certain....consequence to one's actions. And by no means am I saying to force any of that. It is not your role to supply the Karma in this situation. What I am saying....is that is moving out of your house once every other week, to do something that is not a decision that you want, a good idea for your emotional well being ????

Yes, it will be a crappy situation for your kids, and yes, it will be a crappy situation for your BIL and family.

Well I may not endorse you being the judge, jury , and executioner for her. I am an advocate of letting the WAS feel the ramifications of their decisions. Letting them own their piece of reality that they have created.

For me, it would be a matter of this.

Is moving out of my home, every other week, really the best thing for me ????

( forget everything else for now, and focus on what is best for you. Because in the end, what is best for you, will also be what is best for your children )

2) should I agree to the divorce or drag my feet? On one side, if I don't agree, she'll think I'm trying to control her and on the other, if I do agree, everything will move that much faster. I'm kinda leaning towards letting her go as I recognize she needs space, but I've read a lot that I should not do anything to help with the process.

Ohhh...there are....ways my friend.


I think a common misnomer is, that the legal system works quickly and efficiently. That could be no further from the truth.

All you have to say to your lawyer, is that you want this to go slooooowwwwwww.....

3) Last night, we talked a long time about her issues. Ultimately, she feels trapped. She feels controlled. She doesn't have the desire to try right now. She isn't saying she doesn't want to be with me, or work things out, she just desperately needs some space to work thru her own issues and see if she feels differently about our past. I get that, and I do agree....but I asked if there wasn't some other option that would allow her to get her space (i.e. in house separation, every other week w/o divorce). I think this probably seems like pursuing, but I really worry about the damage we might be doing to the kids just so she can figure out what she wants. Thoughts?

I think that you should rest on this for a couple days. Then read your own words again, and see if you have a different view of them.

She is telling you that she feels controlled....

Is she ?

I get that, and I do agree....but I asked if there wasn't some other option that would allow her to get her space

YOUR way ????


Time and space means that SHE wants to find her way, not that she wants you to find it for her.

Your fix for her issues will not work.

I was panic'd, and tried to explain my feelings (without getting mad), but she decided to get mad instead and say she's done (again). She felt like I was stalking her and trying to control her....I can see her point, but she refuses to see mine.

This is more of the same thing from you to her.

I would feel the same way as she does. And truth be told, you would feel the same way if the roles were reversed.

IF you really see her point, as you say....

Then you should be validating her points, instead of trying to insert your own agenda onto her.

She doesn't see your point right now, because she doesn't want to see your point right now.

And let me ask you this....

What have you shown her differently about yourself since the bomb ?