[LITB]

Alright Zig, I'll post on forgiveness before hitting my pillow.

Yesterday my W had her second session with her IC. I asked her how it went. She gave me TMI that it stung a bit.

She brought up my MIL who I had a significant amount of resentment at the beginning of my sitch. I felt that my MIL was a big reason why we found ourselves in the midst of D. I had dark feelings for her.

It took me a little over a year to finally forgive her. The bomb was dropped in Nov 10 and it wasn't until she gave me the nicest b-day card Dec 11 that I finally let it go. She signed the card, "Love, MIL"

She was watching how I was carrying myself during the most difficult time of my life and she let me know that she admired me for it. If she only knew what I said about her, she would shoot me between the eyes. Not healthy of me at all. Certainly not the person that I want to be.

Something else that my W mentioned yesterday that her IC recommended was for us to get tested for STDs since we both had dated other people. I agree wholeheartedly. Of course the first thing that popped into my head was her having sex with OM and it upset me. That raised my spidey senses telling me that I still need to work on completely forgiving her. I didn't say anything, but I did get quiet. It bothered me.

I know that sometimes my pride gets in the way of my forgiveness. It is something that I am working on. My W has apologized several times. So it's on me to get there.

[bustingout]

LITB-

Thanknyou for posting this because I don't think we can fully comprehend how much of a challenge to our pride, ego and pain true forgiveness can be; not that I am even close to that. Where I stand in my sitch right now, yes, I say I have forgiven him, and I do mean it. But if I get the chance for reconciliation i can imagine that forgiveness a takes on a whole new meaning and level of introspection.

LITB you know I cheer loudly for you and your family. You show so much strength and wisdom, confidence and you say it as it is.

Wishing you all the best

[needgrace]

LITB,

I think that forgiveness gets more difficult the closer we are to our spouse. I know it does for me.

Perhaps forgiveness is more of a process..we take steps with it, learn and grow into it...we learn to forgive more as we get closer to them and the hurt that needs to be confronted to heal the M..

It takes way more forgiveness to talk about things like you and W did. It takes more courage. You have shown so much of both already, LITB.

Thank you for sharing your story. ((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

Forgiveness, to me, is absolutely a process.

Sure, you can "Decide" to forgive and that's a huge, mandatory step.

But it is only the first step in a series of steps. Sometimes I think it's a daily (or hourly?) choice you have to make each time.

It's also a learned skill b/c I never saw it growing up. I had to read about it and hear about it and meet people who had done it, which happened at Retrovaille. That helped a lot.

Our ego is an obstacle, as is the rationalizing we do that we call "being right" or
"teaching a lesson" and all that other stuff that spouses really don't need to do.

(Ironically I think we feel that by witholding our love/affection, we are protecting ourselves.
But isn't being the better choice, our best selves, and fully loving, really the best insurance against another affair?)

Staying in the moment, also helped me forgive. I put a Stop Sign on the past if it's a hurtful memory. Overall my life in general improved with that, btw.

Forgiving IS freeing...and it's the right thing to do. But it ain't easy.

I know one thing for sure, b/c I saw it growing up in a neighborhood couple that had a wife who never forgave her h for his A, and let the world know it;

staying married AND staying miserable, is the worst possible choice.

Today, 4 of her 5 children are not married and those 4 all divorced at least once; some 2-3 times. 2 never married.

Their kids (and the rest of the neighborhood for that matter) saw seething resentment, tension, nasty snide remarks at every turn, from HER. The fault lay in her, in our eyes...so

some legacy...

OR she could have stayed married but forgiven -- and that would have been a legacy of forgiveness, redemption, LOVE and real committment.

that's my .02

[LITB]

LITB-

Thanknyou for posting this because I don't think we can fully comprehend how much of a challenge to our pride, ego and pain true forgiveness can be; not that I am even close to that. Where I stand in my sitch right now, yes, I say I have forgiven him, and I do mean it. But if I get the chance for reconciliation i can imagine that forgiveness a takes on a whole new meaning and level of introspection.

LITB you know I cheer loudly for you and your family. You show so much strength and wisdom, confidence and you say it as it is.

Wishing you all the best

Thank you Busting. You are always so kind. I appreciate it.

LITB,

I think that forgiveness gets more difficult the closer we are to our spouse. I know it does for me.

Perhaps forgiveness is more of a process..we take steps with it, learn and grow into it...we learn to forgive more as we get closer to them and the hurt that needs to be confronted to heal the M..

It takes way more forgiveness to talk about things like you and W did. It takes more courage. You have shown so much of both already, LITB.

Thank you for sharing your story. ((( )))

NG,

I agree with you on your post. I couldn’t have said it better. It certainly is a process.

Like Busting, thank you for your kind words and dropping in.

Journaling:
As I slept on my thoughts, I realized that my focus was on the challenges and the “negatives” of my sitch in my 2 posts last night. I know it is human nature for us to focus on the blemishes. I also realize that there will be times that things need to be said that are going to hurt.

I had to adjust my lenses and see things from a positive perspective. The positive is that my W is working on herself. She is seeing an IC. She was sharing with ME her intimate thoughts that she is working thru. She is completely open to work on our M.

I needed to slap some gratefulness into myself.

She is working on selling most of our belongings while she is in NM and I am working here in the Bay Area. She has two weeks to get this done as I will be making my way down there to move her back out here.

When I woke up this morning, I sent her a text message (normally we talk, but she was preparing for her yard sale) thanking her for taking on this enormous task. One of her complaints was that she felt I took her for granted, which was accurate. In her reply, she said she needed to hear that.

Overall things are going incredibly well. I’m looking forward to when she is finally out here, so we can really begin to grow and work on our M.

[LITB]

25,

You may or may not know this, but a lot of the words that you have posted on these forums (some specifically to me) played a big role in where I find myself today.

For that, I say Thank You.

Once this thread runs its course, I will be moving over to the Piecing Forum to learn from people like yourself who have pieced their marriages back together.

My W and I have agreed to attend Retrovaille. Now that we know that we will be settling in the Bay Area, we can begin the next chapter.

I'm also interested in possibly heading to the east coast at some point to attend EE that you discussed with NavyGuy. It sounds like a life changing experience.

Thanks for your 2 cents.

[bustingout]

Hi LiTB-

Hope you are having a good weekend. Overall you seem very grateful. It's ok to be negative sometimes, ESP when you can appreciate what you have and so quickly get yourself back into A place of being positive and hopeful and grateful.

You seem very intune with yourself, your emotions and are able to stop negative thoughts. It's very inspiring.

Busting

[25yearsmlc]

25,

You may or may not know this, but a lot of the words that you have posted on these forums (some specifically to me) played a big role in where I find myself today.

For that, I say Thank You.

Once this thread runs its course, I will be moving over to the Piecing Forum to learn from people like yourself who have pieced their marriages back together.

My W and I have agreed to attend Retrovaille. Now that we know that we will be settling in the Bay Area, we can begin the next chapter.


This^^^ is a smart thing to do. First off, though we think reconciling is our goal, it is and it isn't. I call it "restoring my marriage" b/c if all we did was get back together, we'd be apart again by now. We needed new tools and or a refresher course.

If we'd gone to EE again, we'd have been just fine, I thinkn. But Retrovaille was in our town and ON OUR wedding anniversary, so, um, I felt like the universe was telling me something.

Plus EE covers a lot of things that are not directly marriage related and when we were in Piecing, we needed that to be our focus. And life threw us another curve ball, which life does.

MIL got terminally ill after we reconciled and that's a HUGE stresser that any couple could use help with. Retrovaille was a great place for what we needed then. I'm glad we went

I'm also interested in possibly heading to the east coast at some point to attend EE that you discussed with NavyGuy. It sounds like a life changing experience.


EE IS absolutely a life changing experience and you'll leave it with a sense of clarity and intent that might have been lacking in your life. It is profound.

BTW, they don't keep asking you for more money, which is also nice b/c I have attended other personal growth workshops that seem a bit too into recruiting and money making.

Oh Sure, if you love it as I do, you'll "recruit" b/c you feel enthusiastic. But there's no greed factor, if you know what I mean. I don't get a kick back and there are no gurus in it. Oh, and forgiveness tools are there!


It's called "Essential Experience" and they have a pretty good website. Check it out.

If you do go, let me know your first name sometime and I'll make sure you get in b/c it can fill up fast...

Thanks for your 2 cents.

you are very very welcome. It's just paying it forward, my friend.

[LITB]

Hi LiTB-

Hope you are having a good weekend. Overall you seem very grateful. It's ok to be negative sometimes, ESP when you can appreciate what you have and so quickly get yourself back into A place of being positive and hopeful and grateful.

You seem very intune with yourself, your emotions and are able to stop negative thoughts. It's very inspiring.

Busting

Busting,

I appreciate your positive attitude and thank you for always stopping by.

Hope you are doing well.

[LITB]

This^^^ is a smart thing to do. First off, though we think reconciling is our goal, it is and it isn't. I call it "restoring my marriage" b/c if all we did was get back together, we'd be apart again by now. We needed new tools and or a refresher course.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Going through this sitch has certainly humbled me to not live my life or my M settling for status quo. Life is too short.

If we'd gone to EE again, we'd have been just fine, I thinkn. But Retrovaille was in our town and ON OUR wedding anniversary, so, um, I felt like the universe was telling me something.

It does seem as though the universe was telling you something.

I’m looking forward to attending Retrovaille. The goal is to attend within the next 3 months. We should be able to get something nailed down when my W moves up here in a couple of weeks. There are plenty of opportunities in our area.

Plus EE covers a lot of things that are not directly marriage related and when we were in Piecing, we needed that to be our focus. And life threw us another curve ball, which life does.

I am all for growth, whether it be personal or marriage. You can never have enough knowledge.

EE really sounds great and I can feel your enthusiasm when you post about it. I’m thinking that we will plan on going in the spring time of next year.

MIL got terminally ill after we reconciled and that's a HUGE stresser that any couple could use help with. Retrovaille was a great place for what we needed then. I'm glad we went

If I remember correctly, your MIL was on the east coast and your husband spent a lot of time out there. I can see how that would be a challenge. However, once your overcome those obstacles, I’m sure that you feel as though can overcome anything.

EE IS absolutely a life changing experience and you'll leave it with a sense of clarity and intent that might have been lacking in your life. It is profound.

BTW, they don't keep asking you for more money, which is also nice b/c I have attended other personal growth workshops that seem a bit too into recruiting and money making.

Oh Sure, if you love it as I do, you'll "recruit" b/c you feel enthusiastic. But there's no greed factor, if you know what I mean. I don't get a kick back and there are no gurus in it. Oh, and forgiveness tools are there!

It's called "Essential Experience" and they have a pretty good website. Check it out.

If you do go, let me know your first name sometime and I'll make sure you get in b/c it can fill up fast...

I love everything you said ^^^ here and I know what you mean about the “greed factor”. That is usually a big turn off for most people, so that is refreshing.

I checked out the website and I will let you know when we plan on attending as we get things figured out. My name is Ben.