Back for lunch, I've been thinking about your sitch all morning, Navy.
What I think we all get is that you love your W. I know my dad loves my mom. That's why he stays. Yet he remains frustrated. I "help" him with DB tools and others so maybe he won't get drawn in, so much.
This possibly has been gone over with you, before. I'll state it again, though.
There are symptoms of alcohol... AND... alcohol is a symptom. Often, depression can be the root. Alcohol is used to self medicate the depression. To get an idea of what some of the symptoms of alcoholism can be, read up on bi-polar disorder. There may also be certain anxiety disorders that show up as symptoms, or possibly causes. That's the craziness of it.
My dad mentioned recently to me, that at one time he thought my mom was having an affair. He realized it was wrong of him, but when he came to that conclusion, he had an affair. He sarcastically jokes now, that my mom IS having an affair. With the bottle.
There are different types of alcoholism. Some open, some hidden. One that is difficult to spot is the social alcoholic. Because it's socially acceptable to go out and drink with buddies or to have friends over for a drink or go to a sporting event for a drink or... [insert reasons that include friends] for a drink...
I sometimes think my W may be a social alcoholic. I actually can not remember a time that we went anywhere socially and my W did not have a drink or three. Just before BD and now during our sitch, she is drinking quite a bit and I have knowledge of a large number of times my W has got herself bombed. That's not to say she's an alcoholic at this time, although she is likely at risk due to her use as well as a possible family history of alcoholism.
Open alcoholism is almost "in your face" because so what if they're having a drink. Everyone is having a drink. It's what people do. And besides, we all need to wind down after a busy week or just to "take the edge off".
When it's hidden, the alcoholic is damned good at hiding it. My mom has easily a dozen hiding spots for her bottles. And she uses a card to purchase so my dad does not see. Hidden bank accounts, hiding spots for the bottles (full AND empty), filing empty bottles with similar coloured liquids, hiding spots to drink (a "private" office in the house, a den, a guest bedroom), etc, etc, etc. And in the case of your wife, possibly "hidden" friends. And as I mentioned, she'd probably rather you think she's having an affair, because she does not want to be accused of being an alcoholic. Because she feels guilty about it, and then angry at herself, and then angry at you, and then sad, and then... happy... (bi-polar behaviours) which are, of course, all reasons to drink...
Do what ever you need to for yourself and for your kids and please, please, please at least do research on alcoholism. It can help you know what to expect and how you can be, in a healthy way, with an alcoholic.
