Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[AJM]

Hey Tad. I remember when I hit a similar wall. Broke off relationships for similar reasons. In my case it was because I knew I wasn't able to give honestly to the relationships.

But I look back at those many months of coldness and realize it was then that I truly began to heal. I truly let go and accepted. It svcked. But it was probably one of the greatest things during this process, to happen for me. Without that time period, I would not have truly let go. It's been a slow process and I still sometimes feel that way. But only briefly now. Very briefly. So much so that when I learned ex was getting married to OM, I barely cared. In fact, I was hopeful that things would improve for me because she would be more focused on him. I still feel that's possible although latest signs are that she is not yet ready to do that. No matter.

After that "winter" for my feelings, I realized a few things. I realized this didn't happen TO me, but rather FOR me. Truly it is shaping up to be the best thing that happened for me. I had a good marriage Tad. I did. That was then. I realized along the way that I really only wanted her back so I could get closure. I then realized I could get closure without her in the picture. I would have hurt her (emotionally only) if she came back. I can almost guarantee that. The inequality is too great for me personally, no matter how much I'd like to say otherwise.

I realized during that time that I was slipping into depression. I realized it wasn't that bad but I had to make sure it wasn't going to stay. It was up to me and me alone.

I realized that depression is not worth it. So I found the items remaining that I was holding on to and let them go. The hopes, the dreams, the whole shooting match.

I accepted more fully what is, vs. what I wanted.

I let it go and let God.

Looking back, I see now that I couldn't have planned how things worked out any better for me. I hate it for my kids, but for me things worked out better than I could have worked them out.

The sun came up the next day and I realized that I wasn't going to spend my life pining for somebody like that. I wasn't going to shy away from the decisions I needed to make in my life. From doing what I know is right for me to do, even if it wasn't what I wanted to do. That was when I started my real journey towards freedom from the insanity and craziness. The real freedom that is my life.

I'm free from her BS as much as I can be with the kids in the picture. As she throws darts, I learned to accept them and realize they have no power over my feelings. They are her opinion and her hatred and anger. Her issues. They are not mine. They lost their power when I realized that and accepted it.

That all occurred during that "winter" you are describing.

I decided to live well. I decided that nobody has the right, for any reason, to prevent me from doing that. Nobody.

That was also when I fully forgave myself and took those first steps forward in my own healing.

I'm not fully baked yet, Tad. There are times. But I know how to deal with that now. They don't last long. I don't need other people to validate or help my self esteem.

I am me and nothing more. I can remember without anger, the memories of those times. I scratch my head and I keep those memories for reference when I am confronted by something she is trying to do. She still tries to take my kids or to control things about me. But I remember she is the same person that climbed all over me and offered me sex if I would initiate the divorce. The same person that said she never loved me. The same person that left home and is angry I stayed. The same mother that left her kids with me on mother's day and blamed me for being too harsh with the kids. I remember and I pray that she is going to one day be ok. I pray that she is one day not going to be that angry person. I pray that she will one day find God again. That she will one day relinquish the control before it destroys her.

But as for me, I know I have no part in her life. And I know I don't want her in mine.

All of that solidified when I hit that wall you are describing and I thank God for that horrible time. Every day of my life.

Don't let it go too long without a positive outcome Tad.

AJ