WE PROCEEDED ON II

[gunny]

Hello everyone, I have some updates. So yesterday, I got up at 0430 to drive 300 miles along the Pennsylvania Turnpike to meet my wife to pick up my dog. If you recall, she left me in October of 2011 to move back to Ohio to live near her best friend and her sister. She now rents a home right next to her sister.

We have not spoken more than 3 or 4 times on the phone since she left, and emails have been limited pretty much to business(i.e. divorce proceedings, bills, property, etc.). We were on the phone a couple of weeks ago discussing the divorce proceedings when she asked me if I would be interested in taking our dog for a month, since she was going on vacation for a week, and she thought I would like to take him to spend some time with him.

I immediately agreed, and we talked a couple of more times over the last two weeks to set things up. I have not seen my stbxw since last october, and of course on the ride out I was a little anxious as to how things would go. When I drove up to the MCdonalds were we were slated to meet, I saw her and her friend(best girlfriend from childhood days). I got out of the car and gave her a kiss and hug and she reciprocated. She looked good, very similar to how she looked 14 years ago when I first met her. Back then, in her early 30's she was drinking more than she wanted to and was smoking. Her face looked a bit more lined than when I had seen her last, but she looked very attractive.

I could see she was upset about having to say goodbye to the dog, which made me appreciate even more the fact that she was willing to let me have him for a month. She could easily have let her sister look after him while she was gone, so giving him up to me was a big deal.

We spoke small talk for about 15 minutes, and when she left I gave her another hug goodbye. The interaction was pleasant and correct, and I got a chance to say hello to her friend whom I have met a couple of times over the last 14 years. When she left she asked me how the other thing i.e. divorce filing was going, I told her it is progressing step by step, and she said okay, thanks for doing the filing, etc

Got back home last night around six and am now getting used to having the dog around. It has been almost 10 months since I have seen my s and my dog, and I am feeling a little anxiety over the sitch. I have gotten into a pretty good groove since she left, and even though I have my moments, have generally been feeling pretty good about things. However, seeing her yesterday was tough

[gunny]

got cut off,
sorry,

So, I have my dog for 4 weeks, and will talk with her again in the next few weeks to set up a return rendevous. Its all a bit surreal, we both drive 300 miles to meet halfway across pa to exchange our dog, and then, 15 minutes later, we turn around and resume our lives.

Interesting, when I spoke with her on Friday night to finalize things I asked her how her job was going and she said that there was a little more down time than she liked, which I know from past experience with her is what she says when she is starting to get bored.

Well, just some info here, anyone else go though such an experience with their betterhalfs during the leadup to the d? Any advice/thoughts from anyone, would be greatly appeciated, thanks all,my best to all out there

[any chance?]

Gunny:
Glad it went well for you. Remember, this is just a start. Just a first connection. You need to try and relax, and have no expectations. You have a chance to see her again in 4 weeks, and perhaps you could have a nice dinner at that point. As they say, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Every step forward is a step in the right direction.

[JustStunned]

Gunny, like you I am not “happy” this happened. I have learned to accept that it did. I am finding ways to be happy in my current situation and I can see a happier future.

This is not the first time we have been placed in a situation where we had to adapt to change, improvising a solution to overcome a deficit in our situation. We will thrive. Use your aplomb it has served you well in the past.

I have no common frame of reference for congenial exchanges with XW so I will not personally comment. I did find these posts copied into my journal perhaps there is something here for you. The first is from a vet posting into a friendship discussion. I did not note the vets handle. The second is from Zen Gypsy.

Lol. I really don't understand why guys worry about the "friendship trap." I've never dated anyone I wasn't friends with first. And even if you start dating and then develop a friendship as you date, you still have to develop a friendship. If you aren't friends, you certainly can't be more than that.

And the four phases I was taught as a newcomer here were reducing negative emotions, friendship, romance, and recommitment.

Build the friendship. Be the loyal, supportive, loving friend she needs and the rest can follow.

In all your communication I would refrain from telling her how you improved.

I would stick to facts:

And this why we are all here:

Any relationship can heal. No matter how painful or destructive your relationship may be there is always hope for improvement and restoration. Sound impossible? Well, it's not! Antagonism and defensiveness can be dissolved. Anger and resentment can be replaced with forgiveness and compassion. Conflict can turn into cooperation.

Maybe you'll fall back in love and stay together in a way that works. Maybe you'll need to go your separate ways. Whatever happens, you have the opportunity and ability to heal your relationship. You can be free of the hurt, the anger and the resentment.

Put the Focus On Cleaning Up Your Relationship: Once you establish an intimate relationship with someone, you will have a relationship with that person for the rest of your life.

Resolve Legal Issues Effortlessly: In any seperation or divorce, there are certain legal issues that need to be resolved.

What You Do Know Makes a Difference: How you interact with the other person determines how that person will interact towards you.

Acknowledge the Love That's There: Once two people fall in love, the love is there to stay. You can't push it away even if you wanted to.

Let the Other Person Be the Way He or She Is: The experience of love is created by giving the gift of unconditional acceptance and appreciation. It's letting someone be exactly the way he or she is.

See Your Role in the Problem: At any moment, you are totally at the effect of everything around you. Whatever happens, you will react in some way.

Don't Hang On: Relationships don't always work out the way we want. Sometimes relationships become so painful that somebody wants to leave.

Letting Go: The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you see your situation very differently.

Start the Healing Process: You now have the opportunity to discover and heal the issues that have been sabotaging your life.


Peace and Prayers to you all – ZEN

Semper Fidelis

[gunny]

Thank you AC and Stunned, I appreciate you taking the time to get back to me.

Am not expecting anything. I am in a decent place now, don't know how we will set up our next rendevous to exchange the boy, but wil see what happens. I would like to propose to her that we meet at our cabin that is currently on the market in upper north central pa. It is almost equidistant for both of us, and would give her an opportunity to go through inside and take anything she may have left behind since last September. I will have to feel her out, I am only thinking of suggesting this because it will give us a chance to talk to the realtor in town to see what we can do to get our place sold.

Any other thoughts out there? For those of you who have been through similar circumstances, any good advice?

[any chance?]

Gunny:
May I suggest being careful here. The cabin might bring back a flood of wonderful memories, or digging through personal property might bring back bad memories and thoughts of 'just need to get this thing over with'. IMHO, it might be a bit soon for a cabin visit. The dog transfer was the first time you saw her in a long time, the next dog transfer will be the second time. Go slow. I suggest a neutral location that is more condusive to conversation and good coffee/dinner than a McDonalds....just my two cents....

[gunny]

Hello AC,
Thanks for the suggestions/guidance. I agree going slow is good advice. Will wait to see what happens. I feel like I am in a good position, because I will be okay whether or not she is open to anything.

How is your sitch?

[gunny]

just doing some reflecting on my 300 mile pickup. It was kind of surreal seeing the s for the first time in 10 months. Without putting too much effort into this, I am somewhat curious why she asked her best friend(female) to take the drive with her. When I pulled into the drop off point, I immediately spotted them both, two good looking blonds with a good looking dog will catch your eye. I pulled up and gave her a hug and kiss, didnt even wait to see if her body language showed her to be comfortable or uncomfortable. Her friend lingered in the background, and said she was just along for the ride, and didnt want to interfere.

Again, we talked for about 10-15 minutes about the dog and caretaking items. I walked over to her friend and gave her a hug and told them both thanks for meeting me and told her how much I appreciated her lending him to me for a month. Then I hugged her again, said goodbye, and we both got in our cars and drove away, her to OHIO, me to New Jersey.

Observations: She looked pretty good, but in a way, harder. Her face seemed to be a bit more lined, and her voice a bit more husky. I got the impression she has changed her lifestyle quite a bit, possibly back to smoking, more drinking, and the biggest change, no working out or running. The last point is the most telling, because we are both avid runners, and having completed a number of marathons and competitions, running had become firmly etched in our lifestyles.

Can't help thinking back to what she said to me last june when she dropped the bomb. She said she had lost herself. So, I wonder, is the non-running sp the real sp, or has she made it a point to do everything possible to erase the past, including giving up running. For any former WAW out there, or anyone else, any thoughts here?

I am not getting wrapped around the axle here thinking about this stuff, in general, I feel like I have done a good job in detching, but I would be lying if I said I wasnt curious.

Thanks for listening all, any comments/thoughts are appreciated!

[jbnati]

gunny, 15 minutes isn't really a whole lot of time to make any kind of assessment. No question she's on her own path on your on your path. Frankly, I suspect I like your path a whole lot more.

I would say, however, there's a good chance she may have felt lost in being an avid runner with you, and now she's trying the exact opposite, kind of in rebellion.

I guess you have to ask yourself if the path she's on right now is even attractive to you. I'm not sure the answer would make a difference other than you being satisfied with the path you're on.

I think you've been doing a lot of good things for yourself. There's always the possibility that will be attractive to your W. If not, it will be attractive to someone else.

There is one unknown in this equation, too, and that is what were her thoughts when she saw you? You may never know. It may have had an impact or it may not have.

Keep up the good work, my friend. Enjoy your time with your dog!

[gunny]

hey jb,
Thanks for the shout out! I have been watching your sitch as it progresses, it seems like the anxiety inducing moments never end. I do know one thing, you are doing one he!! of a job of detaching and working on yourself. As other people have said, you are sort of the poster child of GALING!! Good luck to us both as we continue on down this road.

You are right, I have no way of knowing what my stbxw thought of the encounter. Would love to have been a bug on the inside of her windshield on the trip home.

On lighter note, I just got done making plane reservations to go to Alaska in late October. I have always wanted to go there, and this year I finally said enough of planning for the future, the future is now(at least in this instance), So, I will be leaving on the 25 and coming back on November 2nd! Will be staying at Elmendorf AFB near Anchorage. Planning on doing some hiking and glacier admiring. Anyone ever been in Anchorage? Any good suggestioons?