Had an affair 3 years ago, DH still struggling

[mamabird]

Mystify,
I'm wondering if you and your DH have ever had a discussion about WHY you had this affair 3 years ago?

I am in a similar situation to yours. I never slept with anyone but did have strong, real feelings for one person 3 years ago also, and then had some inappropriate texts with another person recently which was our "bomb".

After MUCH self reflection, I have come to the full realization that our M was sorely lacking in emotional intimacy and I was trying to replace it by going outside the M. In addition, my H had become verbally and emotionally abusive which caused me to withdraw, compartmentalize and eventually succumb to someone else who was giving me the attention that I desperately needed. Before my TA, my H would threaten D all the time... even in front of the children, who are young. And I became a very broken and insecure woman who needed to feel better about herself.

So, I'm wondering if you've looked at this inside your own relationship. After our TA bomb I suffered even more emotional abuse as I sat and listened to my H call me "garbage" and a "sewer rat" and many other things. The focus was completely on ME and what I had done wrong rather than what went wrong in the R to have caused this. My H hasn't heard my side, doesn't listen to anyone who doesn't agree with him, hasn't acknowledged his part as of yet and may never do so, and at this point, he claims he has made up his mind that he wants a D. So much easier than actually working on the problems.

What was the dynamic in your R that led to you having this A? What were you looking for that you weren't getting? Is your H open to having these kinds of discussions, either alone with you or in therapy? If he is willing to genuinely look inside himself and take responsibility for what he contributed to the decline of your R, there may be some good work ahead for you both.

Hugs,
RegretfulLA