Thank you accuray, reachinghigher and everyone else. I plan on reading Controlled Separation. Here’s my question.
DB techniques suggest not sharing books or pushing books on W. I read the reviews on Controlled Separation and they were very positive however it looks like it’s more helpful if BOTH husband and wife read it?
I was going to possibly suggest the idea in our joint counseling session. Any thoughts?
What a whirlwind this whole thing is!!!!! It’s only been about 3 months since the bomb was dropped and I feel like I’ve been ran over by a mac truck. Now that I have a second job I am working about 80 hours a week. I don’t have much fuel left in my tank, exhausting.
I am through with my IC, he just wasn’t right for me. I will be finding a new one this week. On another note, over the last month it seems like the minimal communication with W has lessened even more. It feels like we are growing farther and farther apart. It hurts like no other.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit uptight about today’s joint counseling session. I know what to do, I am somewhat prepared but I just want to make sure I keep myself together! I am still not sure if I should bring up the Controlled Separation book in our session? The appointment is really soon so I would really appreciate any feedback.
Don't bring the book up. Read it yourself first, pursue the concepts you think are worth pursuing with a counselor. If W asks where these ideas came from, then mention the book.
Asking her to read it is pursuing -- don't do it, particularly not before you've read it yourself.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
rough: I know the feeling of the whirlwind, but I must say that reading your posts gives me inspiration. I think your doing an incredible job of changing yourself and your situation. I am a couple of months behind you, but it certainly sounds like we're in the same place.
I too had questions about the minimal communication. I am doign NC as much as I can, only discussing the kids when we talk etc...but on some level it seems like thats what she wants b/c she certainly isnt anywhere near beginning a conversation with me. I guess thats why this takes so much patience.
I also liked your thoughts on holding your head up later in life to your children if this doesn't work. When my issues first started and I felt like I was about ready to throw in the towel, the father of one of my best friends called me one day and told me this.
"No matter what you or your wife thinks of this now, it will affect your kids, and will affect them long term and at some point your son is going to be grown and will someday ask you why you and his mother divorced." At this point, he nearly had tears in his eyes as he talked to me and finished with "you better be able to look him in the eyes man to man and tell him, son I did everything I possibly could to keep our marriage together and it simply didnt work."
By the time he finished that line we were both in tears and at that point I understood more than ever the gravity of changing me, improving me and fixing my marriage. Im still not there yet, but remembering that conversation drives me each day to continue down the path when theirs no light at the end and your not sure whats waiting on you.
I hope your situation and mine work out and our families are restored together and we can be the men we should be for our wives and our children, but if not, as men, we have to be able to look our children in the eye one day and make that statement and them know that its true.
Ok, W and I had our counseling session yesterday. I am sure glad it’s over with. I can be an emotional SOB sometimes and I kept my cool. I also made sure to avoid any R talk. In a way I kept the meeting somewhat business like. W was a mess, she cried the majority of the meeting. She was very upset because the sitch is very difficult for her. She’s also hurting because of the pain the kids are having to endure and all of the financial challenges, imagine that! W said some hurtful things to me in the session. It was the first time since we separated that she was actually mean.
She stated that she likes having her freedom and the separation has taken a lot of weight off her shoulders. She also mentioned that I don’t communicate enough with her. She said all I ever say is “I agree” and “I understand”. She’s somewhat right. I am fairly guarded, maybe it’s my defense mechanism. By keeping it short and simple I avoid opening my trap too much and saying the wrong things. She doesn’t always need to know what I am doing or how I am feeling with things. If she asks I usually just say, “I am doing good and things are going well”. Every now and then I might add the comment “ Things are going good but I do miss my family”.
My W used to work full time however she’s worked part time for the last couple years. I’ve never given her a hard time about working part time however her current financial situation could improve if she decided to work full time again but she rarely ever considers the idea. She doesn’t feel the women should have to work. Her mother never had to work a day in her life so I am sure that’s why W has this mindset. Come on now!! Things are much different in today’s world. I am sorry but there’s a lot of moms that have to work full time these days!
Our financial issues have been a problem for a long time and they aren’t going to be solved overnight. They haven’t improved over the last couple months but I am working towards a solution. (It’s a work in progress) I believe that I will need to have the finances looking really good for W to ever consider reconciliation. I also realize there’s no guarantees even if I do get the finances looking better.
Like others on this board, in her eyes I am the root to all her problems. I am sure she has a lot of guilt over all this. By blaming me, it makes her feel a little better about breaking our family apart. In her mind it helps justify her decision. It’s interesting how there’s so many stories on this board that have this same common theme.
It’s not officially confirmed yet but the plan is for me to rent an inexpensive room out of a house. The downside is very sad. I’ve been a homeowner for over 10 years, that will be just one more tough adjustment. I will no longer be in the home that we’ve raised our kids in. I also have a Labrador and he’s my best friend. They don’t allow dogs where I would be moving so that’s going to be a huge struggle. It’s hard enough losing my family but my dog too. All of this is just so brutal!!! Life sure can have a way of kicking your arse. There’s a couple of upsides. I know the people I would be living with so it’s a good match. I would be moving to a place where it would only take me 3 minutes to commute to work and most of all, I will be saving money!
"Financial Support" is one of the top 10 emotional needs itemized in the book "His Needs, Her Needs". Based on what you've written, that may be your wife's #1 emotional need. Whether you think her attitude is valid or not doesn't matter -- that's how she feels. If you support her so that she doesn't have to work, that's how she's going to feel most loved.
You might not think that's fair, you might not think it's right, you might think it's an antiquated view point. The problem is, you can't convince her not to feel that way. There is no logical argument you can make that will change how she feels. Financial Support is stereotypically a "top 5" for women, but not for men -- it's hard for you to identify with.
This is a common problem in marriage. If your W has the same attitude about one of your top 5 needs, you will feel similarly frustrated and unloved, even if your need is antiquated and illogical.
If "financial support" is your W's top need, you need to do some soul searching -- can you can come around to respect that, and make it your responsibility to meet that need with a good attitude? That might be what it takes to recover your marriage and keep it positive. That doesn't mean you need to be a rich man, but you do need to be "on top" of your finances and budgeting so that you don't make your wife feel insecure financially. If you keep her feeling secure on the finances front, she may not mind working.
That's a rough blow WRT the dog -- what are you going to do with him? You can't find a place that will take dogs? I might try to keep him if you can, the companionship is undoubtedly helpful.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
(Good job in the counseling session by the way -- you might ask W next time you happen to talk to her what she wants to know? Tell her you're happy to talk to her. Tell her it's difficult for you to know where to start sharing your feelings, and ask her if she has any suggestions how the two of you might get that conversation to work more easily. Don't come in with suggestions, tell her you understand the problem too, and you want to know what she has to suggest to make it better. Trust me, that's a much better move than prescribing what she should do)
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
