WHG: And so we file...

[workinghardguy]

I'm seriously starting to consider filing for D... any advice? Does filing for D really change anything? This limbo is just adding stress that I really don't need.

It seems clear at this point that she's going to do her own thing. That she's not coming back, or at least not any time soon. She's out dating again and I feel a bit like an idiot sitting here the estranged husband holding the candle in the dark.

But then part of me wonders if this feeling is just emotional. Sort of... fine, you really want to be on your own, then here you go.

Wrapped up in this too is a plea from son a few weeks back. He asked if the divorce had happened yet. I told him no. I told him that mom and dad haven't asked to see the judge.

And then he proceeded to beg me to never ask to see the judge. That if mommy asked to see the judge he understood, but just don't ask to see the judge. I didn't promise him anything.

My stance to date has been that I don't want the divorce and won't pay for it. Other than that I haven't stood in the way. The papers are filled out and the details negotiated. She just hasn't pulled the trigger.

I still don't want the divorce. I still want my family back. At the same time there doesn't seem to parity here that she is going to go do her thing, married or not, while I try to keep standing. I realize she does not see herself as married... unfortunately I still see me as married because I am.

But I feel like that is petty. Like it is below me to feel this tit-for-tat type feeling.

I don't know why she hasn't filed. I don't believe that filing will "wake her up". I feel like filing betrays my son's trust. At the same time grown-ups have to make grown-up decisions that can't always square with the world of a six year old.

Lastly I'd love to not give up half of my retirement. I'd really prefer to not bestow on her a cash windfall. The longer divorce holds off the longer before that day comes.

In any event I'd like to have a married status through the end of the year for tax purposes. However a Sept 1 filing date would ensure that because of how my state's laws work.

Any advice or thoughts? I'm really torn and sort of a mess this morning over this.

I guess a really shorter way of putting this would be to say that I feel like I'm done. Just tired, done, and want an end to this part.