jks after your reply it made me think. You werent the one who was upset with what I wrote. Until you ask me not to post on your thread, I will offer my 2 cents when I can.
I seen many different approaches work over the past 3 years.
FWIW, it wasn't until my W(at the time) found out I was dating that made her rethink her decision. I think people here should know the truth about what works and what doesn't. The more knowledge one has about saving their M the better.
If a M isn't saved, wouldn't it set peace in the LBS's mind knowing they tried everything to save their M?
Sorry to hijack, jks, but I want to say something.
I personally didn't like the comparison gr8 posted either. I just didn't say anything (my Southern roots...LOL). But I want gr8 to know that just because another poster doesn't agree with your suggestions to a specific person, doesn't mean you shouldn't post to that persn's thread. Unless they specifically ask you not to.
We're all essentially in this together, and while everything won't work for everybody, I do think all ideas should be shared. Because you just never know. It's up to that specific person to choose the way they want to go.
Let's set the record clear here. People are construing what I wrote.
I'm not comparing a 15 year m and R to a 3 month R. My point was and is that the LBS need to set there boundaries. They need to know how they would like to be treated from their partner.
This applies to R with familiy members, friends and coworkers.
jks, I think you really need to detach from your H and anything he's doing. You said you fainted while you were outside the house. That's is unhealthy.
Continue to self improve and take care of yourself. If your H decides to work on the M then you have a decision to make when and if that time ever comes. There will come a point when you feel nothing towards him.
Wish him well and happiness. If it is meant to be it will happen.
If he doesn't notice the new you and realize what he is losing, I gaurantee someone else will.
Go out with friends and have fun.
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I do think all ideas should be shared. Because you just never know. It's up to that specific person to choose the way they want to go.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I knew exactly what you were saying... And I am going to try my hardest to detach from this madness.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I like the different perspectives here too. We are all different in some ways and all alike in some ways. That's what makes it more exciting to read on this forum, then in a book, say.
jks, so glad you are getting back on track. And quickly.
I love this statement (let's see if I can get that quote thing to work).
Originally Posted By: 25
I truly believe if he trusted your changes, that they'd last and that things would not revert to what there was before, he'd return.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
And I am going to try my hardest to detach from this madness.
Lead with your thoughts, not your feelings.
prepare for your old M to be dead. know what you want out of a R.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I just spent the evening with a wise, wise friend. We went on a walk close to dusk and I gave her an update of my sitch as she's been helping me along this incredible journey. It was really such a beautiful night and I feel grateful to have her as a friend.
Some things that really stood out to me that she said...
When H tells me things like how much he wants his family back together and that he misses me, she said to think of those words coming out of his mouth and disappearing into thin air. Do not hang on to them... just let them go. That way I can have true indifference towards the situation. It goes very much with believe none of what they say but with me being a very visual person... this will be a lot easier for me to remember while I'm in the moment.
Picture H being on a roller coaster and you're walking on "your path." You know at the end of your path that there is joy and happiness (as I continue to work on myself and stay true to myself). H wants you to join him on his roller coaster and he'll keep calling out to you... hey, come over here, come ride with me (i.e. all I want is my family back together and I miss you). And what ends up happening is you come towards him and veer off your path and all the sudden you get stuck in thorns and by this time H has decided to ride off in a motorcycle with OW and ditch you. She told me... stay on your path and if he wants to join you, he will make the necessary changes and actions to do it.
We talked for hours. She amazes me with her wisdom. I told her, you seriously just summed up about 5 months of researching into 2 hours. And she hasn't even been through what I've been through. I was amazed.
I told her that I would do regular check-ins with her just to let her know if I've stayed on course. I also told her it would be a good idea for me to write a date in my calendar of how long I want to go without having a R talk with H. I said, two months is good for now and then hopefully by the time I get there I will easily be able to go another two months. This is why the check-ins would be necessary just to have someone to report to and help keep me strong when I'm feeling I might be losing control or letting my emotions get the best of me.
Visuals, visuals, visuals. This is how my mind works and I'm hoping this is the start of some really good DB'ing.
On another note... our T met with H last week and called me yesterday and told me he would like to meet with me. He wants to just go over some things that were said and give me a perspective of where H is at right now. I'm meeting with him tomorrow. I do not plan to say much. This will be mostly for me to hear a 3rd party perspective of what's really going on here. He did tell me that it's not all bad so don't think it is. At this point, I don't really know if there's a whole lot he could tell me that H hasn't already said, but we'll see. Sometimes hearing it from someone else gives a new perspective. I do not plan to meet with this T regularly. My H is going to be meeting with him weekly and I'm happy for that. He needs it.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
you're walking on "your path." You know at the end of your path that there is joy and happiness (as I continue to work on myself and stay true to myself). This is a visual I use too and find it very useful.
Staying true to YOU is the most important part.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
jks, I'm happy you have a friend friend like that in your life.
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On another note... our T met with H last week and called me yesterday and told me he would like to meet with me. He wants to just go over some things that were said and give me a perspective of where H is at right now. I'm meeting with him tomorrow. I do not plan to say much. This will be mostly for me to hear a 3rd party perspective of what's really going on here. He did tell me that it's not all bad so don't think it is. At this point, I don't really know if there's a whole lot he could tell me that H hasn't already said, but we'll see. Sometimes hearing it from someone else gives a new perspective. I do not plan to meet with this T regularly. My H is going to be meeting with him weekly and I'm happy for that. He needs it.
Be careful of what the T says your H said. Sometimes gettinf information from a third party is not a good thing.
Like your friend said, Let words disappear in the air. Actions are your sign that he is changing.
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stay on your path and if he wants to join you, he will make the necessary changes and actions to do it.
I like your friend. She is wise.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
25's post was so great I'm bookmarking so JKS I can see why you're posting it around your house! LOL
I really like the part about seeing interactions as ways to show the new you. And you know what it can start small...so you weren't okay with acting as if, but you also didn't lash out and say something you'd regret you put the kids in the car and had a great day.
For me it started very slowly with simply saying each day I want to go to sleep and think I'm proud of the way I conducted myself. It didn't have to be growth or advancement in me and H's communication yet I just had to not to anything to screw it up! LOL so start small regain your footing. Take pleasure and pride in your interaction with your kids.
I love that in your retelling of your walk with your friend you describe the time of day. It's a turning point when we are not so wrapped up in our pain and drama that we can start to see beauty in the world outside again.
