Just got a chance to read your thread. Oh, how I remember the anger stage! My H was so cold and mean to me. It was tough. Real tough.
Now before MLC, I would give smart comments right back to him. So... In an effort to do a 180, I started to just let him bash me and not say anything. Maybe validate here and there. It didn't seem to be helping.
Then one day, I had enough of his abuse. I told him that I was no longer going to let him treat me like sh@t, and that I was no longer going to slink around my house like a scolded child.
To my surprise, his attitude improved.
They are right when they say do what works and stop what doesn't work. I made it through the anger stage, and you will too. Every now and then, my H still snaps at me for something ridiculous. One day it was because I handed him the wrong color towel to clean up a spill from the kids. Now I find that if I just ignore him instead of reacting, he actually apologizes! Who would have thought?
I understand the feeling sorry for him. My H hates work too. One of my favorite responses he gave me when I asked him how his day at work was is, "it sucked ass, like always." No PMA there!!! But, they are grown men, and we can't fix things for them. They have to figure stuff out on their own, just like us.
As always, hang in there. I dread the weekends worrying about my H going out on his secret "dates" with the OW. I know, I know... Detach.
Stay tough!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Had quite a good day today. H was civil, we did some yard work together. Sometimes that's tough. Feel I could detach better if he was rude and obnoxious. I did get upset when I asked him to come with me to the shopping centre to get a birthday card for S25. He said no. The rejection is hard to take too. A friend dropped in today for a chat. She knows the situation. On speaking with her later, she said she can't believe that everything seems so normal on the surface. H is friendly and chatting about different aspects of our life and past friends, etc, etc, as though nothing has changed. So confusing. I keep pushing on. Grateful for any positives at this stage.
It is hard not to get excited and feel hopeful when you see positives. I am struggling with that right now. Currently, H is pretty nice to me. Compliments me, asks questions about me. Shows concern when I am tired or don't feel well.
Still sleeping on the couch though. Still no hugs, kisses or ILY's. I've stopped expecting them, and that does help.
I don't ask him to do anything with me. I do however invite him to do things with the boys. I tell him he is always invited to come with us, but he is not obligated to go. Sometimes he comes with us, and sometimes he doesn't. It is fine with me either way- my focus is spending time with the boys, not him.
He can't reject you if you don't ask. We usually end up learning this the hard way.
I know there are times when the minutes seem to drag by, but soon you'll see the hours turn into days turn into weeks turn into months. And you will be so grateful for the passage of time.
We can and will survive this.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Dear TVS, I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom to help your sitch as you do me, but I'm new to this and find my thoughts jumping around too from...Does H want me to initiate something? Sometimes it seem that way in his actions. I know part of what he feels is our problem was that I didn't care enough about putting him first, before kids and friends. So I wonder if it would be a 180 if I did initiate something with him. I keep resisting because I don't want to get ahead of myself. I often wonder if that creates a situation where because no-one is prepared to move forward, nothing changes and you end up in a stalemate situation. Am trusting the judgement of the more experienced on this one and staying lovingly distant.
One thing my DB coach suggested to me was to invite H to do something (nothing too intimidating) so I asked him to help me with clothes dryer and buying Son a birthday card. This is where he has refused. She did tell me to have no expectations and to go with out him anyway.
However, I have also asked him to attend a dinner organised with a group of friends. He seems to have no problem with that. We can still make a connection and have fun in a non-threatening environment. I look forward to that possibility.
In the meantime I must remember to tell myself to have no expections and keep GAL'ing. Actually sometimes I'm so GAL'ED out I just can't GAL anymore. LOL.
It is tough to know what they are thinking because they don't even know what they are thinking or feeling or what they want.
I sort of had the opposite problem in my marriage pre-bomb... My H complained that I didn't go out enough with friends and that I depended on him too much for socialization. And the thing is, he was right.
I think part of OUR journey is realizing what we did to contribute to the demise of our marriage while understanding that we did NOT cause the MLC. They are actually 2 separate things.
That is good if he will agree to go to the dinner with friends. Sometimes I wonder about motives though. I know with my H we are and always have been very involved with our families. We still continue to do things together with our parents and siblings. But I wonder if at times he does this to maintain his appearance as a good husband and father. Still trying to figure that one out...
Keep trying your best to detach. I know I still struggle with it all the time. I'll see my H being wonderful with the boys or do something nice for me and think "is he almost back?"
This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done, but I feel like if I can get through this, I can get through anything!
Keep being strong. Day by day.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Funny you should say that about keeping up appearances. I spoke with a mutual friend today who works with my H. She said all is normal with him at work and there has been no mention of the huge upheaval happening in his family life. She was shocked to find out.
I read a book recently about MLC and the shame MLC'ers feel which is a huge obstacle for them to overcome. Its probably got something to do with why they pretend that everything is ok and great in their lives. They can't face the shame of what they are doing.
Today I have had a day where I feel like giving up. There is too much suffering in my family. I wish I was in a better place like you TVS. Your sitch is so much more painful and I admire your strength.
I understand feeling like giving up. I struggle with it all the time.
There is no doubt they feel shame. Yet, they continue to make bad choices that bring them shame and guilt. Doesn't make sense to our non-MLC mind, but they must get something out of it.
It seems my H chooses when to wear his ring. He wears it to work. He wears it when we are with our families. He doesn't wear it when he is going to see her. He needs to figure out that not wearing your ring doesn't make you not married.
A good friend of mine works with my H. She said he has been withdrawn and miserable at work. Oh, and OW works with them too.
My friends are all in line wanting to kick her a$$. The offer is so tempting LOL!
If you get a chance, read the posts on my thread by Brookie. She is a vet whose advice and words really help me. I may have come far since bomb drop, but I still have a way to go.
Please hang in there and take care of yourself. I remember feeling hopeless, now I'm just at frustrated and sad. I guess that's growth.
Don't be hard on yourself. No matter what your H says, you know the truth about the person that you are. What the hell does he know about anything right now??? He can't even decide what rake to use!
Stay strong girl!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Boy if I had a chance I would kick her a$$ and your H's a$$. The wedding ring thing ..are you serious?...that's another one of those MLC things you could never make up!!
At H's work they were pressuring him to do a trip away for 3-4 days. He had told me he didn't want to do it. Our mutual friend told me that he used me as an excuse to his boss "that he had already been away too much and that I would be really unhappy if he went and he couldn't possibly do it to me again"!!!!! Happily married man who cares so much about his wife..not!! So he acts at work as if all is great with the world and his life is in order. Don't you want to scream out to the world what horses a$$'s they really are!!!
Detach, detach, we are better people than that. We will always keep our heads high and act with dignity.
I have taken to calling my H "Oscar" (the Grouch).
In all fairness to my H, he is not as moody as in the beginning. In fact, he can be rather pleasant and even funny at times!
Of course your H wants to pretend he is H of the year. But he damn well knows he is not.
It all goes back to their skewed perception and wanting control.
But they can't control us. That's why it's so important for us to control ourselves.
I remember when we were dating, and starting to fall in love. My H wasn't ready to tell me that he loved me. Instead, he told me he was in it "for the long haul."
I am trying my best to be in it for the long haul for him now.
They may rewrite our histories GB, but WE know the real story. No matter what, that will always be in our hearts.
I know, I'm feeling sentimental tonight. It's hard not to be at times.
Keep being strong, and getting stronger everyday. I know you can do it.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
