Well, I've been confused and back and forth on detaching versus actively working on things and it's become clear over the last few days that I should have detached. My problem was, every time I did detach, she pursued me and I took that to mean she was interested. The result was that she never got the space she needed. I see now that I should have forced the space, at least until she was ready to commit to working on things. I basically let her sit on the fence for the last year and got walked on continually.
We had a great time at the wedding Sat....we danced, kissed, acted like H/W & family. Sunday, she decides she's doing her own thing again...disappears for nearly 4 hours and when I went to store I saw her car at the local bar. I went in and found her with OM (something for work she says, and I honestly believe her as she wasn't drinking). I was panic'd, and tried to explain my feelings (without getting mad), but she decided to get mad instead and say she's done (again). She felt like I was stalking her and trying to control her....I can see her point, but she refuses to see mine. I should have detached and let it be.
She said she's moving out at the end of the month and wants kids every other week. She would rather swap weeks at the house so the kids aren't uprooted every week, and I agree, that is probably better short term, at least until we get out from under the house. I see an A today to go over what my options are.
She said she would still go to retrovaille post sessions if I wanted, but she doesn't buy into all of it. I'm not sure if it's even worth the time, but I think I've got to complete the program for my own sanity.
So maybe I can get some input on the following:
1) should I agree to every other week in the house or should I make her take the kids for the week she wants them. She's going to stay with her brother and I think that's crappy for the kids, and her brother's family. I have read "don't move out" a lot, but I'm not sure where this one lands.
2) should I agree to the divorce or drag my feet? On one side, if I don't agree, she'll think I'm trying to control her and on the other, if I do agree, everything will move that much faster. I'm kinda leaning towards letting her go as I recognize she needs space, but I've read a lot that I should not do anything to help with the process.
3) Last night, we talked a long time about her issues. Ultimately, she feels trapped. She feels controlled. She doesn't have the desire to try right now. She isn't saying she doesn't want to be with me, or work things out, she just desperately needs some space to work thru her own issues and see if she feels differently about our past. I get that, and I do agree....but I asked if there wasn't some other option that would allow her to get her space (i.e. in house separation, every other week w/o divorce). I think this probably seems like pursuing, but I really worry about the damage we might be doing to the kids just so she can figure out what she wants. Thoughts?
