I made sure I sent H a very enthusiastic thank you for the dinner he'd made. I have to say it was like having him home because that was his dish. I did ask if I could hire his cooking skills once a month as a little joke. And I have to admit knowing that he'd gone ahead and made it with meat and seeing all the bits of veg and garlic that I know would have taken him ages to make I could picture it wasn't a great scene last night...so I wanted to lay it on pretty thick. I mean Xena wanted to lay it on pretty thick hahaha! I told him he'd made me a happy woman and what man doesn't want to hear that!
Go Xena! don't want to mindread BUT..i think it is so interesting that he made it with meat and then brought you some.
the path you are on must be hard, i think NC is easier to be honest. i think the sad moments are real and are the flip side of your ability to have the fun moments where you are truly able to enjoy him and him enjoy you.. i don't think one can happen without the other. if you are open to enjoying him, you are also open to missing him.
sounds like his cainer forecast is right on track this week
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
When I got off the train and was heading over to him, I was unsure of how he'd be and then I remembered that Cheryl told me I needed to use what I'd learned in How to Improve your Marriage without talking about it. And I took a deep breath and let happy thoughts of him wash over me. Just reminded myself of how much I enjoy his company and today would be no different.
I see him making it with meat as a big stance in him saying I'm not going to lose myself (which in my opinion he has been for a little while now) he even said he'd gone out and bought TOFU to try making it with that and then he said in his words "sorry sweetheart it don't work that way" I can almost see him chopping up tofu and thinking WTF....that's sacrilege! I had to hold myself back from texting "can we get back together just for the food?"
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if you are open to enjoying him, you are also open to missing him.
You're right about that but I will say NC isn't any harder or easier. I think that you take on what you can handle. And in the beginning one small impersonal text from him would push me over the edge..and then I became okay with that. And at first all I could do was hold myself together so I wouldn't cry when he visited or freak out when he mentioned her. And then I got okay with being around him. And so inch by inch I became more comfortable and more myself around him.
I still don't know if we will ever R. I am trying not to have expectations and I think that's where I'm falling down right now. When he came over and made that crack about catching me naked or half dressed, yes I was a bit shakey. But I was still like it's fine, it is what it is. I'm okay with whatever. Whereas this weekend I didn't feel like I was okay with whatever. That might just be part of my growth, or because without realising it I was letting expectation and hope creep in. I read something that hope isn't good, because hope means that you aren't okay with the right now...you're hoping for something different. I used to think that life was empty without hope, that you were a sad person if you weren't striving for something better in the future. And now I am only striving for a peace and happiness with my "right now"
I thought it was really sweet that I brought him lunch and he brought me dinner and we didn't even plan it...
I texted H this morning because about how silly the driving test is that I have to take. He texted me back making jokes. then he gave me some advice and told me he'd buy the study materials from me once I'd finished because he's going to get his motorcycle liscense.
Now, back when I was a snooper I'd noticed that he was looking at his bikes. I'd also seen on his fb him talking about getting the liscense and it's super expensive. At the time I was like he's so irresponsible, how's affording this?
Then I was thinking that I knew he was going to see a few and he still hadn't mentioned it to me (post him moving in with GF) probably because he knew how I'd react.
In fact when we went to dinner last week I saw motorcycle gloves in his car and thought I can't believe he hasn't told me.
So I asked him oh did you buy a bike? good for you. I know you'll love having another project. He really played it down and talked about gas milege and I said ".....and it'll be really fun" This is a complete 180 for me!!!!!
During our texts I brought up his dish from last night and said since I can't get the reciepe (because he said he makes it up as he goes along) how do I hire your cooking skills and he said don't worry I'll made it to order for you, just tell me when.
I like that. He didn't say "we'll see" or "I'm sure I'll make it again sometime"
I did tell myself that I really need to stop with the expectations and not get carried away. Part of me was even slightly mean girl thinking yes he's going to make this dish with meat...for me...take that GF. And I don't like that....
I also had to stop myself from saying something saucy like what will owe you or how will pay you back or something else I don't know...I'm not there. It's not something I'd say to a friend. Even though Cheryl wants me to seduce him!
I reread my notes from Cheryl and it said be clear and ask for what you want.
I wish I had made better notes. I don't remember what that means or what the hell I should be asking for.
I of course know better (NOW I know better LOL) that I shouldn't be asking for him to move out of GF's, to move in with me, to dip me Scarlett O'Hara style, to hire a horse to ride off into the sunset together, or to run through the rain and hold a boom box outside my window.
But I worry that any asking is putting pressure on the sitch
maybe she meant - ask for help when you need it - makes him feel like a hero - but not appear needy?
recently i started asking h to do little things - things that i know he can kind of handle, in his anxiety state - like return s's violin to the rental store, or could you drop s off to his class since you're here anyway.
while i was dim - i made it a huge point to act as if i was completely independent and needed nothing from him - absolutely nothing from him - and i think it made him feel bad. otoh - i try to ask for very little mundane things which don't put pressure on him
i don't know, maybe that's not what she meant. you'll have to ask her next time you talk. sometimes i think we don't "get" something until we are ready to understand it or ready to do it.
btw - been meaning to ask - how many times have you spoken w/ cheryl? once? and how long before you make the next apptmt - and what will your criteria be to make the next one? i'm asking because i'm wondering if i should make one pretty soon or stretch it out and wait a while
also - don't go into trying to do more - whatever you are doing right now, is working amazingly for increased contact and a move towards you - so stay still, right
if you read back - the interactions are increasing at quite the rate there - it's impressive!!
((((( ))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
During our texts I brought up his dish from last night and said since I can't get the reciepe (because he said he makes it up as he goes along) how do I hire your cooking skills and he said don't worry I'll made it to order for you, just tell me when.
I like that. He didn't say "we'll see" or "I'm sure I'll make it again sometime"
This is a great interaction, Brit! What do you think about responding "How about right now?? I'm starving!!! Hahaha, j/k" ? Or something to that effect - keep it light without pinning him in on a date that he has to put on a calendar, ya know?
And good for you for recognizing you need to check your expectations.
Oh Zig, I've gotten so much from your bootcamp thread! thank you for sharing and reading the advice given to you helps me as well!
I snagged this:
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It's getting FUN, isn't it. You are building the attraction and love all over again. Getting a chance to revisit the beginnings. And make new beginnings. Romance over and over again...with the SAME partner
errr yes! It is fun, but it's also that sort of feeling you get when you don't know if a boy likes you and you're over analysing and worried about the next time he'll text.
Yes you are very right...the rate of communication, the amount is huge. I texted him yesterday afternoon because I'd heard a big truck had gotten stuck under a bridge where he works. I thought about saying take a picture if you guys walk down there but I thought that's too much. 10 mins later he sent me a pic and said cops wouldn't let me get any closer.
We texted on and off yesterday all day.
I only bought one sess. that was a month ago. I was on the fence and really sort of thinking a) this is hopeless and b) I am sick of worrying about him and hoping something will change...
Best money I spent obviously because look how much has changed since then. a) I feel so much more confident and happy and detached b) he's come closer and our relationship (frienship) has gotten better
I am going to buy more but I'm not sure when. I think when this isn't working for me, then I'll move on. Right now I think she'd say "why are you worried!!!! he wants you, girl" LOL
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i made it a huge point to act as if i was completely independent and needed nothing from him - absolutely nothing from him - and i think it made him feel bad. otoh - i try to ask for very little mundane things which don't put pressure on him
I do remember her telling me not to be afraid to ask him for things and not to be so defensive explaining why I was asking him for things.
You're right things happen and then I think what's going on, what should I be doing, and I need to be still. I woke up this morning wishing I could snuggle with him. (I hate that I felt that way...but we all have feelings right?)
During our texts I brought up his dish from last night and said since I can't get the reciepe (because he said he makes it up as he goes along) how do I hire your cooking skills and he said don't worry I'll made it to order for you, just tell me when.
I like that. He didn't say "we'll see" or "I'm sure I'll make it again sometime"
This is a great interaction, Brit! What do you think about responding "How about right now?? I'm starving!!! Hahaha, j/k" ? Or something to that effect - keep it light without pinning him in on a date that he has to put on a calendar, ya know?
And good for you for recognizing you need to check your expectations.
moment has passed. I replied and said that I'll even pick up something from the butchers near me for it. I'm picutring when I get back in August asking him to come over and we'll make it together.
