I don't know where to start with this, so here it goes. I was forced into a conversation with H, all because I asked him to turn off the AC because I had the windows open. Now I'm a freaking train wreck again... let me explain.
Last night when H came home he went to his bedroom and turned the AC on, he shut the door, but to me, who is paying the electric bill now it seemed stupid to have the AC on in 1 room, while the windows were open in the rest of the house. I went back and asked him to turn it off, wasn't rude or anything. He apparently didn't like that, but he did it. I went back out to the other end of the house and did my own thing and sat outside for awhile just trying to learn how to "be still in the Lord". I eventually came back in and started cooking dinner, a dinner I would not eat.
H came out to the kitchen quite pissed off and said we need to talk about this situation NOW! I just looked at him like a deer in the headlights. I'm going to say this now, I said somethings that were NOT the DB way, but as Kimmerz said to me a long time ago sometimes things just need to be said. I did end up crying despite my effort to fight back tears, and I yelled a little, not a lot, but to get my point across, MLC or not he needs to see how HIS decisions affect other people. I didn't beg or anything thing like that.
He told me he wanted me to have a plan. He said he's calling a realtor tomorrow to sell the house. I told him no, I don't want to move, it's not fair for him to make all of my choices for me, he's already turned my life completely upside down he shouldn't be able to take my home too. I told him I want to refinance the house. He said he just wants out, same crap, only reason is he just doesn't feel that way anymore, not in love with me. He also said he didn't want any responsibility (that's the only thing he said I believe). I again stood by love being a choice and work, not just some happy feeling.
He just kept going on and on about he doesn't believe I take him seriously and he's been telling me I need a plan and it's been 9 months. I told him I have never kept him here he knows where the door is, he could walk out it any time. He said he was trying not to do that, he was trying to do the right thing. I kinda chuckled at that, I said the right thing is not running away from your marriage. He again called it a situation. At this point I got angry, enter yelling Heather. I told him I am not a situation, I am person. I will not be talked to like that, he has no idea how I feel and needs to stop telling me I'll get over it I'll be fine. H said he does know how I feel. This pissed me off. I said no, you have no idea and you won't ever. But it doesn't matter as long as you are happy, that's all that matters, so go ahead find your happiness I will not be what you blame for being unhappy (he had accused me of not wanting him to be happy). He also said he's filing for divorce, I said that's fine, I won't sign so have fun being married to me for 2 more years, because I will continue to stand for our marriage.
I said something about him being selfish. He said so what, you want me to keep pretending. Fine forget all of this lets get back together right now and I'll do everything I can to make you happy, that way one of us will be happy. I told him absolutely not, the old relationship is dead. I told him I know that we could build a new and better relationship but I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do. He said he would go to counseling if that would make me happy. I told him I don't want him to go because he would be there with one goal in mind, to get me to accept this, and that's not going to happen.
I told him he's selfish and I don't know who he's become. He's apparently decided this is the real him and he's been pretending for years.... yeah, ok, whatever, I know it's crap, I kept my mouth shut. I did tell him I understand what he is saying, and have these past 9 months but understanding doesn't mean I am agreeing with it. I told him I'm sorry he feels that way several times and did validate more than before.
He never apparently thought of building a new relationship, he asked me how that would work. I told him I would have to think about that and let him know, he said ok. He asked me why I would ever want to rebuild a relationship with someone so selfish and has done what he has done and has hurt so many people (don't know who these other people are, didn't ask either). I told him because I know inside he is a good man and I believe in him. He had a look of pain on his face when he heard that. We sat there in silence for awhile, I saw monster let go and give way to depression right before my eyes, and saw monster come back.... what an internal battle. He truly is a broken man. It's a shame he has surrounded himself with a really crappy support system, the American, do what you want, as long as you are happy, everyone else will be ok, it doesn't matter anyway, type people. I'm tired of people acting like marriages are disposable, where is the commitment anymore? I'm also tired of Sunday morning Christians, who sit in their pews and say they are people of God and then go about the rest of there week and not reflect it. I'm referring to his one co-worker, man of God my ass. Sorry, just had to vent there.
Also during our discussion I said something like, so what you don't want me to be a part of your life anymore, you are just going to leave and be some guy in an apartment? That's what you want for your life? (this was after he said he didn't want any responsibility and this isn't about being with anyone else, he just wants to do his own thing). He got this strange look on his face, like he didn't realize he would have to move somewhere else, and he said something to the affect of I guess I would have to get an apartment or something. It was almost like he was saying it to himself and not me. It's just more proof that they have these crazy thoughts but don't think the whole way through. Unless he's moving back in with mommy he's going to have responsibility. He's gonna have to pay for where ever he would move, not to mention the amount of money a divorce costs, so he's not going to be able to go shooting every weekend like does now. I also told him I would not be friends with him outside of our marriage. That would not be fair to me, and way too painful.
You know I get so tired of being told I'm an amazing person, and then being told I don't want to be married to you. Really messes with a person's head, you're good, just not good enough. WTF.
I did tell him, twice I think, I have always loved and respected him, and I do want him to be happy. I hope he finds his happiness, but I will not stand here and lie to him so he can feel better about running away.
He must have seen my book Men in Midlife Crisis sitting on my dresser because he said something to the effect of this not being a crisis, or whatever else I might think it could be this is just who he is. I didn't say anything, but caught the wording.... gee perhaps he should pick that book up and see himself in it.
He went on to say he doesn't want kids now. He's 36 and he it's enough to try and keep his life straight he doesn't want to bring a life into this world and fvck it up to. (again responsibility). I said I don't know if I want kids either some days. He told me I shouldn't be giving up my dreams to try and keep him. I laughed and said I'm not, I won't give up my dreams for anyone, but I don't know what my dreams are anymore. I said some days yeah I want kids, some days I'm glad I don't have any, but whatever God's plan is will be. He's like you will find someone and have the family you want. I told him to stop planning my life for me. I don't want to be in a relationship if this is the road it could lead down. Also I have been talking on the kid issue in counseling. Who knows maybe I'll adopt on my own. He got another strange look on his face. I feel like he has this fantasy life for me worked out in his head so he feels better and he doesn't realize it's not real until I say something he didn't really consider.
Wow, I have get to work, gonna be late. Sorry this is long and a jumbled mess, it's not in the order of the conversation and I know I haven't put everything in, but you get the idea. So thoughts? Good or bad, I like to read the comments. Like I said, I know I did some not so DB things, but I felt I needed to say what I said. Reality needs to knock on fantasy worlds door sometimes and invite it's self in...
