Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Jack, Antonia and AJ.

Everyone tells me to come on this board and read or write. Doing so helps me so please forgive me. Just my thoughts:

I really do see what you are saying Antonia. This post has nothing to do with anything X has said or done, but...I'm beginning to think that maybe I AM a loser. I sure do feel like one.

It is 3AM Monday morning here in Arizona and I can't sleep. Sunday was a downer day for me. I am still on the anti-depressants but I can almost feel the depression creeping in again. I've been smoking like a train again too.

I have no desire to really do anything or go out and meet people. I called things off with one of my lady friends yesterday. I am just not ready. To be honest, I don't want ANY relationship right now. I've got to call the other two this week and call it off with them too. I realized that I was just using them I guess to try to help me feel better. It sounds awful but I really have no feelings for any of them. They were my bandaid and it isn't fair.

I don't really trust anybody either. I guess you can say that I am cold/numb right now. I feel like my heart has hardened and wonder if I'll ever be able to let anybody in again.

I need to do something with my life. Problem is, I really have no motivation to do anything. I've thought about just moving far away and out of state and start completely from scratch, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I need to do something though. Something soon.

I feel weak. It has been 21 months since bomb drop and 9 months since D was final. Why am I still struggling at times? Why does it still hurt and will the hurt ever go away? I hate the setbacks and feel like I had a big one today. Funny thing is, I don't know why....

A friend of mine reminded me the other day that I am the "winner" in all of this. I have great relationships with my sons and I get to spend a lot of time with them. While that is nice, it is hard seeing myself as the "winner" at the moment.

I've also found myself thinking about what happens when they all leave the nest. Then what? Then, I'll really be alone.

I did have a down day but I know that I am getting better because things don't bother me as much as they did, I don't feel like a victim as often and I don't think about her all of the time, but damn....

I just wish it would all just stop. This has been going on far too long.

Tad