So to kind of give you a break down of all of this and how it relates to my ditch:

I knew full well my W's anxiety disorder and knew full well it was undiagnosed and untreated. My W was very open about this "condition" that she explained as "I have to warn you that I'm a little crazy." That's a paraphrase, and was said in jest, yet I know that underneath, she was saying it with complete sincerity and fair warning.

I felt that I could deal with that and frankly, I love her "that way". So when the web began to weave over the years, I locked into my vows. Even though I had given up on the M in function, I was not going to give up in spirit nor on paper.

In fairness, she has a fairly normal, functional life. Like OCD, day to day things are easy enough. But when the anxiety kicks in... it gets messed up and ugly. I actually don't think I really understood this until now that you've asked for and I've given these details. This actually puts probably the final chapter to this book for me. It's not much an epiphany... rather it just puts that last keystone in place that really allows me to understand what went "wrong", if you will.

Like an addict, someone with a PD is controlled by their "issue". Under appropriate treatment and care, they can "beat" their issue. At least, for the most part.

At one point in time, I think I posted here something along the lines of "I thought I was strong enough and realized I wasn't" and that "I didn't have the tools available to work through this". Maybe in some ways, I saw my mom in my W. How I loved her and thought I could support her... maybe even "fix" her... but I can't fix my mom's alcoholism... and I can't fix my W's anxiety.

And I have to be OK with that.

In the end, I was planning on sticking around. Because I loved my W. I believed in our nuclear family. I had said my vows.

And in the end, for what ever reason, my W had her multiple EAs. And that was the final straw, for me. Something that, at that moment, I would not tolerate. And, in making those choices, my W was on the move out of the M, anyhow. Yes, my responsibility was that I stopped being there for her. I just ran out of steam and could not keep up with the chaos. I think that part of my W's method of dealing with her anxiety is to keep herself busy which allows her to avoid the anxiety yet still feel like she's in control of her life at every moment. If she stopped doing that... she'd likely feel completely out of control...

So I don't know where this story ends or if it ends.

For me... it's the title of the new thread I started.

I have to find my happy place. That inner peace. Knowing that all is well in the world as best it can be and is as it will be.