I did answer the question. The problem is that anything I want can be construed as a joke because "fat chance -- it's not going to happen". If what I wanted could easily happen, I wouldn't be posting here. I'd be somewhere else grinning from ear to ear.
Don't try the three "mistresses" idea. You can get divorced and have friends. Friends who like to spend time with you and like to share with you...
Or you can find your one real friend who becomes your real wife. I'm now of the belief that a "real wife" would not let a man go sexually unsatisfied unless it was a most serious reason...
so you'll "go for multiple wives or mistresses" b/c you want to have your "cake and eat it too"?
Honestly, that's what you said at the end and it's the closest thing to a straight answer. But I want to make sure I'm being fair and accurate.
Is that what you are saying your answer is, to the question of
"what are you going to DO?"
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
First you asked what I want to do, and I answered the question. Then you asked what am I going to do? Slightly different question. At the moment, nothing. A little later, something, but not sure exactly what.
First you asked what I want to do, and I answered the question. Then you asked what am I going to do? Slightly different question. At the moment, nothing. A little later, something, but not sure exactly what.
I'm sure you like my crisp decision-making style.
ssmguy,
You pretty much have a simple decision after this amount of time. You and your wife can get outside help for the NO SEX situation. If she is not interested enough in your relationship to meet a compromise that is not going to leave your needs completely neglected, you will have to move on.
If you don't move on, you can stay. You can kill that side of you and learn to be happy without it. I think this is what she was trying to make you do by her actions.
First you asked what I want to do, and I answered the question. Then you asked what am I going to do? Slightly different question. At the moment, nothing. A little later, something, but not sure exactly what. I'm sure you like my crisp decision-making style.
So, how can we or this board help you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was not really surprised that there was no definite answer given...in part because people are programmed to not really ask for what it is we would have have for our lives.
We are programmed to think of asking for what we want as being "selfish" particularly when it requires specific actions/behaviors on the part of another person that they are not inclined to taking "naturally" or on their own. Of course, lots of problems may occur from the mindreading requirement if we don't ask.
We are also programmed, along with a certain amount of hardwiring, to have certain expectations of normality. It is a way to tell if things are right or wrong.
So, let me advance a couple of things that SSMGuy might want (from my personal exeperince).
One thing is to simply "vent." When the person you are married to is also the "problem" it is not very easy to speak about this (I'm using writing as "speaking" here) with the person that you should be able to have the most intimate conversations about the most intimate of sexual desire when that person is "the problem."
There is nothing wrong with venting and underneath that is the "hope" that something might show up that hasn't been tried or thought about previously. And it goes without saying that there is a whole differnt experience in venting "here" as opposed to venting to and at the person that is the perpetrating the witholding of sex.
A second and more compelling answer to "what do you want" is this: a sex life with a person that I care about that has a fair degree of looking "normal" and that is driven by some level of mutaul desire, not just obligation to "lay there."
Perhaps the more appropriate question is and would have been is this: "what are you willing to settle for?" because that seems to be the real question at hand.
Just a thought.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
I was not really surprised that there was no definite answer given...in part because people are programmed to not really ask for what it is we would have have for our lives.
We are programmed to think of asking for what we want as being "selfish" particularly when it requires specific actions/behaviors on the part of another person that they are not inclined to taking "naturally" or on their own. Of course, lots of problems may occur from the mindreading requirement if we don't ask.
We are also programmed, along with a certain amount of hardwiring, to have certain expectations of normality. It is a way to tell if things are right or wrong.
So, let me advance a couple of things that SSMGuy might want (from my personal exeperince).
One thing is to simply "vent." When the person you are married to is also the "problem" it is not very easy to speak about this (I'm using writing as "speaking" here) with the person that you should be able to have the most intimate conversations about the most intimate of sexual desire when that person is "the problem."
There is nothing wrong with venting and underneath that is the "hope" that something might show up that hasn't been tried or thought about previously. And it goes without saying that there is a whole differnt experience in venting "here" as opposed to venting to and at the person that is the perpetrating the witholding of sex.
A second and more compelling answer to "what do you want" is this: a sex life with a person that I care about that has a fair degree of looking "normal" and that is driven by some level of mutaul desire, not just obligation to "lay there."
Perhaps the more appropriate question is and would have been is this: "what are you willing to settle for?" because that seems to be the real question at hand.
Just a thought.
The Captain
The captain,
It sounds like SSMguy has narrowed it down to his two or three choices. So there is nothing left to analyze, to assume to cajole and badger for. He might be stuck having to terminate this relationship and starting anew. It's not a bad thing either, I tell people a normal relationship is light years ahead of a bad one, and a good relationship is incredible. Imagine a relationship where your partner predicts and meets your needs, listens to what is important to you, meet you in the middle, does not issue negative attacks.
I'm happy that he narrowed it down, because in my last situation I was in the same position. I just hadn't accepted that my then ex, simply checked out and was not going to take care of me anymore in anyway. For a short period of time, I was in the direction of being brainwashed that some of my needs which fall under "normal", do require tons of legwork on my behalf and good behaviors to make happen. Now looking back, when someone is going to tell you "NO", no matter what you do, they will use anything to invalidate you.
The best of all to all of you. Remember, "life is good".
As much as venting CAN help, it has the risk of merely keeping you stuck and feeling like a victim, which can lead to resentment and surely helps no one.
But with SSM, there is some irritation admitted by him when suggestions are made. So that isn't helping him, which means there isn't a lot for us to do as board peeps b/c he says it irks him to imply that he hasn't tried "X" or that he's a clod.
So, while your question is THE question (ie "what are you willing to settle for?")
my question about how WE HERE can help him, remains a mystery, to me anyhow.
But maybe just knowing you are out there for him helps...???
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What has been most helpful on this forum (and similar sources) has been just reading without posting. It has given me a better perspective on my situation.
It has taken me quite a while to really fully understand that many people have low desire, both mentally and physically. I've never experienced anything but high desire my whole life, with lots of fantasies and physical desire. I thought that the biggest problem anybody could have was trying to contain one's desire, not to get aroused when you didn't want to. It wasn't until I heard about Viagra, which was also around the time my wife lost interest, that I realized that there are many people who don't feel automatic desire, and don't fantasize, or can't get aroused. I now realize, for example, that's what happened to my wife is not that unusual. Well, that helps. It's better than thinking there's something seriously wrong with her or that it's because she's trying to frustrate me.
What am I going to do, etc.? If I knew, I'd be doing it and not posting here.
What am I willing to settle for? Somebody who has a sexual energy level where they would want to have sex about once a day on average. And I don't just mean the physical part. But also a mental/fantasy energy to want to try all kinds of things.
Somebody who, one a Saturday, for example, would get a kick out of having sex 3-4 times. The most I ever could convince my wife to do was twice in a day, and the 2nd time was only with my pushing for it. And sure, skip a day when we're busy, etc. I'm not that crazy.
I just don't see any way my wife would EVER be interested in this kind of thing, much less even grudgingly have sex only once a week just for my sake (groan). Haven't given up yet though. But I'm thining that winning the lottery is probably easier.
