I was not really surprised that there was no definite answer given...in part because people are programmed to not really ask for what it is we would have have for our lives.
We are programmed to think of asking for what we want as being "selfish" particularly when it requires specific actions/behaviors on the part of another person that they are not inclined to taking "naturally" or on their own. Of course, lots of problems may occur from the mindreading requirement if we don't ask.
We are also programmed, along with a certain amount of hardwiring, to have certain expectations of normality. It is a way to tell if things are right or wrong.
So, let me advance a couple of things that SSMGuy might want (from my personal exeperince).
One thing is to simply "vent." When the person you are married to is also the "problem" it is not very easy to speak about this (I'm using writing as "speaking" here) with the person that you should be able to have the most intimate conversations about the most intimate of sexual desire when that person is "the problem."
There is nothing wrong with venting and underneath that is the "hope" that something might show up that hasn't been tried or thought about previously. And it goes without saying that there is a whole differnt experience in venting "here" as opposed to venting to and at the person that is the perpetrating the witholding of sex.
A second and more compelling answer to "what do you want" is this: a sex life with a person that I care about that has a fair degree of looking "normal" and that is driven by some level of mutaul desire, not just obligation to "lay there."
Perhaps the more appropriate question is and would have been is this: "what are you willing to settle for?" because that seems to be the real question at hand.
Just a thought.
The Captain
The captain,
It sounds like SSMguy has narrowed it down to his two or three choices. So there is nothing left to analyze, to assume to cajole and badger for. He might be stuck having to terminate this relationship and starting anew. It's not a bad thing either, I tell people a normal relationship is light years ahead of a bad one, and a good relationship is incredible. Imagine a relationship where your partner predicts and meets your needs, listens to what is important to you, meet you in the middle, does not issue negative attacks.
I'm happy that he narrowed it down, because in my last situation I was in the same position. I just hadn't accepted that my then ex, simply checked out and was not going to take care of me anymore in anyway. For a short period of time, I was in the direction of being brainwashed that some of my needs which fall under "normal", do require tons of legwork on my behalf and good behaviors to make happen. Now looking back, when someone is going to tell you "NO", no matter what you do, they will use anything to invalidate you.
The best of all to all of you. Remember, "life is good".
