Thanks for that, because this all feels so damned crazy making you know? Seriously...WHY and HOW DO THESE PEOPLE DO THIS? I mean do we LBS send out the "bat signal" through the skies saying " attention! we're now feeling great about ourselves and our ex's are no longer center of our attention!life is getting good!" ??? Do these people see this and have a 6th sense and feel they must ruin it for us?
Im on my soap box here but I don't care. My objective way of looking at this whole MLC, thing is it all comes down to them feeling a loss of control in their lives. Loss of control and power is what all abuse stems from. It also is where co dependency starts too. So my guess is, these MLCers tear out of our lives like an F-5 tornado and leaving just as much destruction behind them. WE;re left with the clean up....and as we all know some of the destruction is just not completely repairable. But as these people are tearing down life's path they're always looking back. They leave us because they didn't feel in control, so they look for it elsewhere. They think they find it elsewhere, but they look back and see they've lost control in the life they walked away from. So they try to keep that control from what they walked away from and what they walked into. So I can see where burning the candle at both ends can and will eventually catch up with them...if they're lucky, and bring on a few ephiphanies to get their priorities in order, and start having a little remorse for the havoc they've wreaked in everyone's life.
You know, lets be realistic here. Anybody we're friends with, even on a plutonic level....we are not detatched. It's human nature!
I feel detatched from people I meet in passing. I feel detatched from aquaintences you make...like the cashier at the grocery store. You know people you have small interactions with. Or maybe someone you were friends with long long ago and never see anymore. Even then if you were good friends, if you find something unfortunate happens to them, it's natural to be concerned.
I don't think it's possible for the WAS nor the LBs to be completely detatched. A good majority of it can be obtained over a certain amount of time, but if you had a life and a family with this person, it will always be there with you, no matter how hard we try.
All i know is that I have to really watch my buttons being pushed by XH. However when he pushes boundaries, it's very important I stand up to him and tell him NO. And that's all he's been doing ever since he left.
Friends tell me he sounds like he's frustrated with OW and taking it out on me. From what I heard it doesn't sound like he's really happy with OW, but rather stuck with her. At the same time it sounds as if he's trying to recreate with her, the happiest time he had with me. After I clear the crap he hurtles at me and listen to his words and actions when he's being nice, to me it seems he really does miss being parents with me, and the family unit we all 4 had together. He should because it was a very happy and fun place to be, all 4 of us, when he was sulking or pouting about him being so miserable in life.
After it's all said and done I feel like Im dealing with a mean and defiant child that likes to bully people.
Glad to say that through my youth I got bullied a few times.
Proud to say I never backed down and always stood up to them......and they backed off and left me alone.
I never thought in a million years that through divorce I would end up acting out playground scenarios with my ex. But when you have a 41 year old man using play ground tactics, over adult and parenting issues, where do you draw the line? Some things I just may not be able to walk away from. And I swear he's having a hay day with this because the divorce is over and I don't have my attorney in my corner anymore.
There is my rant and my rave, and my on my soap box.
I swear Im moving into a cave deep in the wilderness where i won't ever be bothered again!
I was just reading a link on "musing of Amyc" and it was about the difference between bi polar and narcissism.
My gosh I wish I could've read that a long time ago. All this time I really thought my XH was a narcissist, but now I really do see his behaviors are truly more like bi polar disorder.
He really had appeared remorseful at times and even at BD. It explained the behaviors in much more better detail...how a bi polar can act high and happy yet turn around and just rip you to shreds.
And that the first manic phase usually doesn't present itself till after the age of 20.
My XH confided in me years ago, that he's always gone through really depressed times, for no apparent reason and he never understood why. But they pass and he feels better.
Ok...back to prayer and trying to do what our main man JC(Jesus Christ) would do in this situation.
Also...is it normal for the new OP to ignore the MLCers children? Hang all over the MLCer, and give semi smart ass remarks to the kids? Usually refuse to do anything with them when invited by XH? I swear she acts like she's jealous of my kids and her explained behavior this last visit says to me "Im here and Im not going away girls. Live with it. Your Dad is mine whether you like it or not."
She sounds like a class A bee-atch. Someone like that will show their true colors eventually. In my case OW is a total doormat. She is completely naive and unaware of H's real issues. My kids think she is okay but they have only been around her once. She's not vivacious and fiery like me. When it stops working between them anymore (and that moment will come) she will be devastated.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Generally the ops are needy people and very little self esteem, i.e., the mlcers generally affair down because they want someone who is going to hang all over them and adore them each and every hour. Some may use the children to stay in good w/the mlcer and others won't. Kimmerz, your xh's ow doesn't care about the children because she thinks she has her hooks into your xh really good.
Some day, the warts and true colors will be exposed, but until them, the mlcer tends to have their heads stuck in the sand.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, this is interesting now! If OW thinks she's got her hooks so deep into my XH...
Then why does he sneak around to talk to me?
Ha! Ha! Ha!
You know I will have a few minutes of feeling some discord over all of this, but I say my piece, think, and I end up feeling better and thinking smarter than I was before about all of this.
So my take on this now....this is going to be very entertaining. Better just sit back and watch the show.
LOL....Yes Wish/hope....we ARE the OW!! I've read a little on your sitch and you are handling this VERY WELL. Confident and put together. WAS don't know how to handle that. My XH got quite a bit more respectful when I had my attorney handle things for him too. However it appears he's gone back into Monster knowing the D is final and no more attorney.
Seriously, hindsight being 20/20 now, he was treating me as the OW the minute he got seriously involved with her!
And when I confronted him about her, he acted like it was as casual as going to the movies or giving her a ride down town or something! And he was living with her 2 months at the time!!!
In my sitch H is STILL lying about her. He doesnt mention her name or anything about her. Whenever he references anything about her he still refers to her as "a friend". Dude...I know exactly what is going on, who you are with and when you are with her. Why do you still lie? H is in serious, serious denial.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
XH actually talked about OW briefly during yet another argument we had over a month ago. That was when I asked him if he was at the house when I was out of town because his truck was seen. He then told me that the OW was out of town at a funeral and he was on the computer at home.
Given the man only contacts me when she's not around and seems to keep trying to jump in and out of where he still feels his place is in our lives, I figured he just stepped in his very own trap! Especially after what just happened with this ipod! When the cats away the mice will play! He knows his truck is seen here all the time to drop off and pick up the kids, so why not sneak off over here and spy on my house while Im out of town? The neighbors won't think anything of it will they?
Before then he has NEVER mentioned her to me in the last year with the exception of when I confronted him. He appeared so desperate to have an aliby I guess he had to bring her into it. I guess it really doesn't matter, there is no reason for him to speak to me about her and quite frankly I don't want to hear any of it anyway.
Im really beginning to believe that these WAS truly still want to keep part of the lives they walked away from and they have no intention to letting us go....but they don't realize it. We the LBS are trying to move on and completely let go yet they keep intruding over and over in one way or another. It keeps us hooked, and leaves us to have false hope of reconcilliation for some time.
As of now Im kind of seeing role reversal here. I've gone from LBS to WAS. XH is acting a bit like LBS.
So....how to deal with it now? If the LBS turns into the WAS, and the WAS is now starting to act like the LBS, how do you handle it the best way? All I know to do is to treat him the way I wished I was treated when he walked out. If you're going to leave, then stay gone. No BFF behavior, and definately No invading your NOW personal space and house, because I no longer live there. Any communication that needs to be done, make it clear and concise, and NO HEAD GAMES!
