And you wouldn't have had to shake him, he'd arouse enough to breath. Could also explain his moodiness and depression.
so at the very beginning - 2 ultimatums from h. at the time i didn't even hear them as that - just thought he was stating his feelings. of course over the years there were a lot of other ones but i took these two very seriously, for some reason - they sort of scared me i guess.
1. if you ever have an affair i'll throw you out without a moment's hesitation 2. if we ever sleep in separate bedrooms that's the end of our marriage.
he did both first!
i guess the snoring conversation brought this up for me - must be time to deal with it.
there were always these ultimatums - and i took them seriously. they freaked me out
even after BD - 'if you push me now, i'm never coming back, but if you let me be....'
it's a power play of some kind when one gives an ultimatum like that, isn't it? at least that's how i felt.
one of the weird ones was - don't ever pay for a haircut, or else...
i never broke any of those "rules", but mil broke that one about 3 or 4 years ago taking s to the hairdresser (h always cut our hair) - still goes on about it and still makes comments to me and s !!
i think deep down - and not all that deep down i really resented it - that someone else was going to decide who cut my hair. i gave in on those - there was no reasoning with him - but i think my resentment came out in other areas (the ones he didn't make ultimatums with)
hmmm - interesting - never saw how that worked.
so not so simple - snoring h = moving to other room!!
how are you labug - are you having a good weekend?
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Boundaries are a great convo when the LBS does the "what if we R" discussion. Then, we plan all those boundaries that we'd have...
and then there's no hope to R because the WAS would have too high a wall to get over...
One can try to differentiate between marital boundaries and personal boundaries. In the end, they're really one in the same to the WAS. They carry no weight for the WAS. Maybe, just maybe they might work, as the LBS stands like a rock with boundary in hand. Which then follows... is that a hill the LBS is prepared to die on?
If the answer is yes? Then so be it. Like an A is a major boundary for many. Many find that an A may not quite be the boundary for them they thought it was.
As we say on this board, don't worry about whether you would take the WAS back. Right now... they aren't coming back... Right now, boundaries mean nothing to the WAS because they aren't concerned about whether you'd take them back... they aren't concerned about "keeping the road home paved and smooth"...
If the LBS sits and thinks about all the bad things about the WAS and what the WAS would need to change. And come to the conclusion that the WAS would not change or at least the LBS fears the WAS will not change... that is the same mindset as the WAS... and all hope...? might as well dump it...
Best revenge? Figure out how to become the best person that only a fool would leave, so they hopefully come back so that you can then assert your boundaries...
So... work on changing ourselves so the WAS WANTS to come back... then... be open to them coming back...
And THEN... consider what boundaries you might have... or whether you actually want them back...
One can try to differentiate between marital boundaries and personal boundaries. In the end, they're really one in the same to the WAS. They carry no weight for the WAS. Maybe, just maybe they might work, as the LBS stands like a rock with boundary in hand. Which then follows... is that a hill the LBS is prepared to die on?
I think I see this differently. My boundaries are not about changing behavior so much as protecting me, keeping me from being injured. The person with whom I'm setting the boundary can change their behavior or not, completely up to them. Seeing no change would be a negative indicator of the health of that R, I would think.
I also see ultimatums and the ultimate boundary. Boundaries-I feel x when you do y, so when you do y I will leave the room, end the conversation, w/e.
Ultimatum-If you do x, I'm finished.
Maybe putting too fine a point on it, but it's the way I think of it in my mind.
I think if in Piecing, things have to be approached cautiously to see just where things fall. Time has to be given to see if the changed behaviors change the R. But I think that if real boundaries are crossed that has to be addressed.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Actually, before this thread is done, I'll just post to clarify a little about what I mean by no differentiation between marital and personal boundaries.
I am talking about boundaries which suggest something we would not accept from a spouse or a friend in a general sense.
Boundaries that legally and morally / ethically / physically protect one's self and one's children from harm is appropriate.
In the general sense of someone leaving the seat down on the toilet or being annoying in bed or making rude outbursts in public... these types of things might seem like nothing to the casual observer, but to a person in a broken M, they seem like they ARE the barriers that cause D.
These and many other things are not even on the radar as boundaries unless both people decide they want to be M. Otherwise, it's like having a friend who you don't like to go to a restaurant with, because they stick straws in their nose...
