i was planning to just keep consistently being friendly and slightly flirty and still continue to work on my detaching.
here's how i really feel - even though i "feel" it about him being with her, at the same time i'm saying to myself - it's just part of the sitch - it's not better or worse or different - this is just telling me he's not ready to come out of the tunnel yet.
at the same time, it's okay for me to feel the emotion and let it pass through me, and then get back on track and focus on my commitment. follow the recipe and just not see it as 'this has to happen right now.'
just stay at my picnic.
after i wrote that whole long post - i said to myself - chaos in the castle, i'll just get on with my picnic. i know i wrote at the end i was finding it difficult to turn my back to the castle again, but just admitting it, allowed me to be able to do it.
KD thanks for the 'special' hug!
and another question - how is it that you are away for days from the board and then just the day i need your feedback you just pop right up?
yes i am noticing how he does not want to deal with the stress. i'm surprised he hasn't had a heart attack yet - it's amazing that the body can handle that amount of stress. it's the one thing that has been clear as day for me from the beginning.
as for back to business - yes - the business of keeping on focusing on myself and my life and where i am going with it right now that's the only business i need to be focusing on!!!
thanks for being here, dear friend, if i may call you that - you must be, if you have the patience and temerity to slog through my long rants
i shall take your advice fully to heart
hugs back to you
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I'm never really away... I had been so involved with so many here and realized I was getting in the way of others stepping up and helping each other.
So now I watch as the next gen of vets here take the role of supporting the newbies and each other...
I try to only step in when I really feel I can add something more or a different perspective.
Originally Posted By: zig
go dark? seriously?
Only if you feel you need to. You sounded overwhelmed. A lot has been going on for you.
It is good to push ourselves when we are fresh and energized. When we try to push ourselves when we are not at our best, it can sometimes have negative effects.
It would only be temporary. Maybe the only dark you need is 8 hours looking at the back of your eyelids...
ok, I'll answer your question about meditating...
No... not at all for the past few years... I need to get back to that.
And call me what ever you want... just not late of supper... lol...
ok... that was a bad joke... i don't think it ever was a good joke...
Great post Brit, great post. I like it when you say: I also think (at least with myself) it's a constant battle in giving them kindness, compassion, and friendship because we want to and then sometimes feeling that there's only a certain level that they deserve and why should I be acting this way.
Yes, I totally agree!
Zig, I haven't responded on your thread for a while, been on holiday with limited time to give. I like these early mornings though as it gives me a chance to catch up here.
When I read your journal, instantly a scene from last night popped up that I think will answer your questions here.
First of all, if you don't want to go because you had a pile of organising to do, that's fine to want to do that. However, it would have been a better choice to go to spend that time with your H - and here's the reason why.
It's about the bigger picture. Don't go beating yourself up now, and remind yourself we are all in a live and learn situation with all our sitches. We are learning how to handle these difficulties as we go along.
Let me give you a couple of examples from my parents I have observed while I have been here. They have a successful marriage.
When I first arrived, my dad said that my mom had agreed on their behalf to go to a dinner with some friends. He did not want to go, but he didn't tell my mother that. Instead, he got off the phone and cursed the situation privately. He then explained to me that he agreed to go because it was something my mother agreed to, and he did it because he was thinking of her. So, he said, that was the bigger picture for him.
Last night, I saw it in action again. This time, the roles were reversed. My dad called to say he wanted to go to dinner. My mother got off the phone and said, "Oh [censored]!! Why does he want to go have dinner. I'm not hungry, it's late, I'm tired, I just want to relax!!" She got it out of her system privately. When he stepped foot in the house, she was ready to go, didn't say a word to him and was in fact dressed and ready already.
It's an ingredient for a successful marriage. I'm very lucky to be able to observe this way of handling things, and pass it on. I even used it myself this time when my H was here.
He wanted to go fishing at 5AM. OMG! Ask me if I wanted to go, and I will tell you I was so not into going on bit at that time. No way, jose! Privately, I acknowledged myself. Then, I said to myself, "What's the bigger picture here?" My H's happiness is the bigger picture and our M is the bigger picture.
I woke up at 445 on the last day he was here, and sure, I was a bit grumpy for the first 15 minutes but not once did I complain. I soldiered through and got on that boat. Within 1/2 hour of being on the boat I was awake again, and we had another lovely day. I got to experience the sunrise, and all the beautiful colors of the sunrise, and the peace of the water at that time. I found things to enjoy, and you will too.
So next time, just ask yourself, "What's the bigger picture here."
It would only be temporary. Maybe the only dark you need is 8 hours looking at the back of your eyelids...
oh yeah, as in its bloody 1 am and what am i doing up, losing my beauty sleep!!!
i've got my groove back now - you're right i did get a bit overwhelmed the last couple of days.
i think what happened was that i made these goals, and then they started happening and i wasn't expecting them to, especially at the speed they were.
how's that for an ironic reaction to meeting goals. got to explore that a bit - as in - how screwy am i really here!!!
and then again - what does meeting those goals really mean? especially the ones regarding h. what does it matter if h comes here to eat or not?
ooh is that me feeling discouraged?
maybe some shuteye will help me see things in a more positive way tomorrow - in fact I'm sure they will
thanks for walking through this with me and especially for pointing out that i was overwhelmed - i guess a pretty good sign for that is when i revert to those long detailed posts
oh and btw - that joke - baaaaad!!!
how about one that can really make me laugh?
yourself!!!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
oh YC - good to hear from you and thanks for posting to me. i have been keeping up on your sitch, especially on your holiday, even though i haven't posted
i guess you missed the post where i did acknowledge my feelings to my friend on the phone and then decided to break my pattern and go.
but i'm glad you posted about your parents - that is the recipe for a successful r, and i am sorry that that was not mine or my h's way to handle things.
i think i was already seeing that today without realizing it, and even though it was over an hour later than i said i'd go there - i did go, and i enjoyed myself
how are you feeling now - are you still on your trip or back home. hope you are doing great and really enjoying yourself
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Hi Zig, oh, I'm sorry I didn't see the follow up posts. So glad you went. I will have to catch up properly. I get the posts emailed me to me and I was catching up. I'm not the most detail oriented person sometimes. I really should have read them through. Ok, well, I guess it's helpful to have the story as a reference and reminder for later
Still away on holiday, very content and peaceful here with my family. Will go swimming today now that my skin has had a rest from sun for the last couple of days. 2 more days here and then I'm off back home.
I was thinking today, that I have to turn my attention soon to work again, and getting focused on my project and dissertation again. I can do it now that I've had a good break. I look forward to seeing my cats again too!
i've just been catching up on jks's thread and came across a post from 25.
i hope they don't mind but i'm copying part of 25's post here.
it's something i've thought about for a long time, and reading it posted to someone else - it could have been about me. i have to remember to keep this perspective because it is really true - down to describing what jks was like. the truth of the matter is that h is right when he says he tried really hard, and just didn't see any changes. and what i am going through has been for a lot shorter time than for how long he was in pain
According to JKS, "he did everything" and she was depressed and emotional and had a temper.
SHE did need to make some changes for a long time (longer than what he has put her through, I might add)
JKS put him through the ringer. He was there for her until he no longer could be.
JKS I do NOT say that as a 2 x 4. Not to hurt you or make you feel worse
but as a reminder that he waited for things to improve a lot longer than this garbage has been going on.
Maybe you ought to factor that timeline in too. Maybe. Your sitch is a painful one but to me, it seems only fair. His sitch while married to you was not painless.
so it's food for thought and putting things into a bit more perspective for me.
i'm not beating myself up about it -i've gone through the forgiving myself for what i was and given myself the gift of becoming more and more the amazing person i feel i can be. but it IS food for thought and to help me move to a more understanding place in this sitch as it continues on.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
YC - it's perfectly alright. there's so much to read on the boards everyday - sometimes i get a bit overwhelmed trying to keep up, even though i really want to
i'm so pleased that you feel content and also ready to take on what you have to when you get back.
take care zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Wow zig, I have just been catching up. My head is spinning from what you have been through emotionally over the past fewndays but you and theothersnthatbwerein the discussion really articulated so many similar feelings and thoughts that I know i have constantly.
Iwill re read and get back to you. ((( )))
Ps KD thank you for those posts as well. It certainly cleared up some confusion in my head :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
thanks busting - for even taking the time to read through all that - cripes that was a lot of posting!!
by the time i went to bed and it was almost 3 - i was in a good frame of mind again
did NOT help that the phone woke me up this morning at 8.30!!! - i didn't pick up but from h. "can i come over right now and bring a couple of things back tot he house?)
i just texted back 'later please". no answer yet
friends don't call someone this early on a sunday as far as i'm concerned. i'm too groggy to be even peeved - he has no idea how late i was up...
just read your post on you thread - don't be anxious dear one - it takes away from you really enjoying yourself
((((((( ))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
