I am 35 year old, my wife is 31 and we have 9 year old daughter. My wife's parents are rich and influential persons in our country. They helped us a lot with finances and with cares for our child. They are kind and generous people. I would say that I was a minion of fortune. During my marriage I wasn't paying enough attention to my family. I didn't realize how much effort and work having a family takes. My wife was telling me that she didn't feel as a loved woman. During the years she fought for our happiness. Alas I was busy with myself, with my activities/ priorities. We had many fights and arguments. I even pushed her few times while trying to get out of the flat in order to calm down outside. There's many more to narrate but I will stop here.
In the end of 2010 I got that my wife has EA with with an older married guy. We separated for 6 months. During the separation I made a lot of mistakes. We continued our physical relationship but it was not enough. She tried to reconcile and get back in her life despite her feelings toward the OM, but I was a fool. I wanted all without giving anything. I wanted excuses and love which I didn't deserve.
In June 2011 the EA turned into PA which continued very short time. My wife was devastated. She was lied and disillusioned for second time in her life.
It is important to know that I am her first love and she is also my first beloved. She was 15 and I was 20 when we started dating. 5 years later we got married. One year later our daughter was born. As I said our marriage was full of arguments and fights. We were young and inexperienced, especially I. Our home, furniture and car were given by her parents. We never struggle for anything apart of bringing up our daughter with a lot of help by our parents. All we wanted we could get it without much efforts.
After the end of her affair in August she called me and we gradually started our reconciliation. She told me a lot about the OM but I will skip this part. In short his jealousy and manipulation have insulted her and brought her back to me. I tried with unconditional love to win her love again, but I wasn't consistent enough because I was confused with a lot of materials which I had read, i.e. Stop your Divorce by H.McDonald. I was switching my behavior between unconditional love to indifference toward her and vice versa. I tried to manipulate her in order to accelerate our recon. Big mistake. I confused her a lot. In Feb 2012 she told me that she has no feelings and didn't want to give me any hopes. We continued to play this game 1-2 months. In April 2012 I asked her to go to marriage counseling or getting a divorce. In other words I wanted to work towards recon or towards divorce and starting new life without playing anymore. I cannot forgive myself that mistake. Given that ultimatum she chose getting divorce. I was impatient and stupid. I tried to stop the divorce but she was collected lots of power and determination because her mother supported her decision. Her brother and father were on my side but they weren't very steady in their position.
So since May 2012 I am divorced and alone.
During the recon (since Sep 2011 to May 2012) I started many activities with my girl. I take her to English, tennis and swimming lessons. We are together during the weekends.
After the Divorce Day there were some LC days. After that we started sending each other music links from youtube. Gradually our relations improved. We had arguments and I insulted her a bit.
I think the real improvement began around 3th June. On that date was my birthday. She accepted my invitation and we celebrated in a restaurant with a few friends. She gave me two Nike t-shirts and sport socks exactly the same gift in the same colors as the previous year. After the birthday she asked me to wake up them in he morning during the weekends. So I was doing this and later in the morning I was taking the girl and we started our usual sport and English lessons. My ex began to join us at lunch and dinner. We ate out two weekends in a row Last week we watched movie at cinema. While watching we were holding our hands.
In June she and our daughter set off to the seaside. 1-2 weeks ago she had invited me to join them. She has a flat at the seaside and we are going to share one room, I hope. I remember she asked me several times if I hadn't made up my mind. We phoned each other many times a day.
The seaside vacation went well. Three of us spent quality time. We watched TV in my bed together. My ex cuddled to my body, we were very close. We had a talk about her impossibility to answer to my caresses and I answered that I don't expect her to do that so soon after the divorce and that being so close is a big step for us.
2 weeks ago before setting off for a business trip I bought her a bucket of sunflowers and I left it in front of her front door, because she didn't answer my phone calls.
It was great mistake. She called me half an hour later and said "We are not a couple. Why do you do those things. You frighten me. We talked about this many times and you continue doing this things." I answered that I still loved her and wanted to find the way to each others hearts. A bit later she again called me "I cannot answer to your feeling and it is killing me". I didn't get well which is killing her - my actions or her inability to answer my feelings.
I phoned her at 10.30 pm and she didn't answer.
After the business trip I went to the seaside and took the care for our girl from my ex's parents. They went back home and I and my girl spend 2 great weeks together. We are staying in their flat. During our holiday her mother called us 2-3 times a day. But her voice is different. She rarely called me by my pet name. She got distant and shows indifference and annoyance when I call her.
Today the parents of my ex are arriving and our girls will spend 1 more week at the seaside. Next weekend my ex will come to the flat. I think I should propose her traveling together with my car.
I read the threads of LoveNoMatterWhat and decided to follow some rules:
PRAY FOR MY MARRIAGE 1. Actions speak louder than words 2. Nothing is more important than the family 3. Nothing great in life comes without sacrifice 4. I need to remember to watch what she does not what she says 5. Keep doing more of what works and less of what doesn't 6. Do not miss any special event of my daughter 7. Use any possible moment to spend quality time with them 8. Do not tell her "I love you, "I miss you" at this stage. 9. Always answer her calls 10. Being needy is not attractive
I am here for support and encouragement. Any advice will be appreciated. Any recon story will give me hope. Do you think I ruined my chances?
I know I am a sinner and God wants to humble me. My wife gave my love, child, shelter, she gave me forgiveness. I know I deserve my destiny.
