Great post Brit, great post. I like it when you say: I also think (at least with myself) it's a constant battle in giving them kindness, compassion, and friendship because we want to and then sometimes feeling that there's only a certain level that they deserve and why should I be acting this way.
Yes, I totally agree!
Zig, I haven't responded on your thread for a while, been on holiday with limited time to give. I like these early mornings though as it gives me a chance to catch up here.
When I read your journal, instantly a scene from last night popped up that I think will answer your questions here.
First of all, if you don't want to go because you had a pile of organising to do, that's fine to want to do that. However, it would have been a better choice to go to spend that time with your H - and here's the reason why.
It's about the bigger picture. Don't go beating yourself up now, and remind yourself we are all in a live and learn situation with all our sitches. We are learning how to handle these difficulties as we go along.
Let me give you a couple of examples from my parents I have observed while I have been here. They have a successful marriage.
When I first arrived, my dad said that my mom had agreed on their behalf to go to a dinner with some friends. He did not want to go, but he didn't tell my mother that. Instead, he got off the phone and cursed the situation privately. He then explained to me that he agreed to go because it was something my mother agreed to, and he did it because he was thinking of her. So, he said, that was the bigger picture for him.
Last night, I saw it in action again. This time, the roles were reversed. My dad called to say he wanted to go to dinner. My mother got off the phone and said, "Oh [censored]!! Why does he want to go have dinner. I'm not hungry, it's late, I'm tired, I just want to relax!!" She got it out of her system privately. When he stepped foot in the house, she was ready to go, didn't say a word to him and was in fact dressed and ready already.
It's an ingredient for a successful marriage. I'm very lucky to be able to observe this way of handling things, and pass it on. I even used it myself this time when my H was here.
He wanted to go fishing at 5AM. OMG! Ask me if I wanted to go, and I will tell you I was so not into going on bit at that time. No way, jose! Privately, I acknowledged myself. Then, I said to myself, "What's the bigger picture here?" My H's happiness is the bigger picture and our M is the bigger picture.
I woke up at 445 on the last day he was here, and sure, I was a bit grumpy for the first 15 minutes but not once did I complain. I soldiered through and got on that boat. Within 1/2 hour of being on the boat I was awake again, and we had another lovely day. I got to experience the sunrise, and all the beautiful colors of the sunrise, and the peace of the water at that time. I found things to enjoy, and you will too.
So next time, just ask yourself, "What's the bigger picture here."
