Swimming with certain Turtles

[zig]

ah KD - so you're saying i was trying to "show" him.

i still don't think i was - there was time when i did have that mentality. but i dropped that a long time ago. but anyway - i will accede to your observations and double check myself for the future.

just as an added note to get the last word (why i feel compelled to do that is probably telling, grin!) it was more as if i was trying to show MYSELF what it would really feel like to be permanently separated.

so in the spirit of brit's attitude to the whole thing - leaving myself open and allowing things to happen, here's the latest development

i had had to send a text earlier to h asking for a password for one of our accounts.

he called me back around the time you were posting - and i just got off the phone!!
he seemed to want to keep us on the phone , casually talking about this or that - actually money and the complete lack of it - by the end of this month we'll have zero in the bank account, and strangely he talked about it non-stop in terms of "we", never you and i.

it was actually the most relaxed conversation we've ever had concerning money issues - and they were really bad, AND we've never ever in all this time ever gone to zero.

then at some point after we'd talked about so many things, including the fact that when the weather cools down, he''s planning to set up a large tent at the house he's building and live there with s. he lets me know that he's going to be out of town from next friday to the following saturday. that's is way of letting me know he's going to visit ow.

you guys would be so proud of me - i'm crying right now while i write this - but on the phone - all i wanted to do was end the conversation and get the hell out of there. but i stayed cheerful and matter of fact and just asked if he was going to drop s off at his class before he left town and i would be picking him up and he said yes. then i moved the conversation on to other things, joked a bit etc. i was absolutely determined that i would not let him know even for a microsecond that his news perturbed me in any way.

oddly he moved the conversation to talking about all his stressors - including the unresolved stuff between us - saying that it was freaky that he had come over to tell me he was going to file and next thing we war"screwing each other" ouch. i stayed pretty neutral and didn't say much - just saying that i didn't read much meaning into either of those things, in the sense that neither of them surprised me at this point. he went on for a bit- something about there being unresolved stuff between us.

he was definitely feeling around a bit - more than a bit - and i was not giving anything away. he even brought up again how worried he was that when he introduced someone else into s's life, how s would take it. i said well that's your relationship between s and yourself.he went on about it for awhile and kept apologizing that it was hurtful to me that he was talking about it with me

then he brought up friend from last night - you and she get along, huh? i happily said yes that we had a great time last night. he said that friend is not comfortable about our separation, i asked why and he said that's just the vibes i get. then i asked are you comfortable about us hanging out - and oh [censored] that triggered him off.

next thing he's getting nasty and going on about how i didn't go out with him to hang out with them and of course that's why they were his friends more than mine. i kept to my 180 -he was getting pretty spewy there and said some really hurtful things - and i just validated and said he was right and i'm sorry he saw it that way - and then he kept saying i don't mean to hurt you but it's true.

of course it's f'ing true! the times i didn't join them was because i was so messed up with the migraines and spasms and could hardly stand up let alone walk. but i didn't say anything - he knows why i wasn't there. and before the accidents, i was there all the time every time. but he doesn't want to remember that right now and that's okay. i can come here and vent!!

after that the conversation moved to "being friends" and i let him know that i was very comfortable being friends and wished that he was too. he admitted it was hard for him because of the present (i think he meant because he's in a r with her) , and i just said well you are the one who says they want to be friends and so i'm agreeing, but you don't seem to be too relaxed and at ease around me. i joked that i was waiting for him to let go of the old stuff. even said that i didn't see us as the same two people that separated last fall.

he asked about that - that he didn't think he had changed at all. i said sure you have and he said what change do you see. i wasn't going to tell him about the alien stuff for sure haha. instead i took the opportunity to tell him how i saw that he seemed more determined and decisive about himself and his life and could speak about it more clearly, that i saw how his r with s was getting so much better and since i was "out of the way" they had a chance to really connect, that i saw how he had committed so much more fully to his job and was really more confident about doing it and how all these things were things i had always wished for him and was so happy for him.

i could hear from his voice that he was a bit unnerved - probably expected me to say really negative things. but those are things i wanted him to know that i see, and from where i'm standing, i feel it's unnecessary to focus on the negative stuff any longer

so


It sounds like you are living in fear of being rejected again...


heck yeah - aren't you? i guess not (grin)
You can't feel rejected if you aren't thinking the two of you are an item...


you're right - on to further detachment! i'm on my way!!

wonder what you guys are going to read between the lines after this long rant. ah yucky yucky - i don't like being in this place. the weird thing is i don't feel pulled in to his stuff - i just can't understand what he wants. oh now that sounds stupid.

i've just simply got to go back to my picnic - right now it feels a bit hard to turn my back. wish it wasn't so let and i could go over to friends and get a hug!