i walked away from the computer for a minute - and then it hit me - every time h comes closer or shows he wants to be around me, IT SCARES THE [censored] OUT OF ME!
and that confuses me really bad
and then i find myself thinking what's wrong with me, this is what i've been wanting.
anyone else feel like this?
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
It's normal, zig. You're outside of the normal, familiar patterns of old with your H. Every interaction with your H is a chance for a new experience. It's not a bad thing. It's a great thing! It means your R is different than it was before. I think it's also a higher state of R consciousness - you are probably seeing things in H that you're not crazy about (other than him being an alien right now). Things that would have to be negotiated in a new R going forward. Take note of these - it will help you decide whether the R will work for YOU in the future. How do you feel about getting back into an R where H hasn't changed at all? If he dropped everything and said he wanted to come back today, right now, would you have to think about it? It's okay to say yes. (very much paraphrased advice from Cheryl ) (You don't need to talk about what would have to change, just a thought exercise for you for now). I found it really empowering to think about my own needs in an R for a change.
thanks vera - i too, felt that he was drawn to me, and what i found interesting was that the last 3 months when we've been around the family, he's really avoided me. today - he initiated me coming over there - not his mom or the circumstances, AND he sat with me really apart from the others. he's done that in the past - last fall, but not these last few months. in fact - just as recently as late may - when we were at s's school for the last day celebrations and in-laws were there, he made a point to not even come near us the entire time. so this was quite a step, considering that just 4 days ago at his b'day dinner he couldn't come anywhere near me!!
KD I think what you are saying makes perfect sense in zig's situation, where there's no imminent D.
the night we spent together - h had basically come over to tell me he was filing!
you are never hijacking - and if you want to that's fine with me always
hope you're well - with all this upheaval i am feeling today, i haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's threads!
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
MLC is different than WAS is different than piecing is different than...
plus, each of our sitches are different, as we are individually...
Having said that, remember... life teaches hard lessons... that's not our job. If we are "showing them" what it's like, then we are trying to teach them a lesson... if they are not willing to "get" the lesson (and we certainly see many examples of the WAS digging in when they think the LBS is preventing them from getting what they want) then they just won't get it... until they get what they want...
It's like we're trying to show them D is a bad thing... They certainly don't think so... and they certainly have done their research and have a lot of information that proves to them that D is certainly not the death that their LBS is trying to suggest...
Of course, we DO see examples of the shock of what life is like after D CAN bring a WAS back... consider though, that the WAS may not be choosing to stay because they want to... rather they are choosing to stay out of fear...
Ultimately, as unfortunate as it is, some WAS appear to need to close the M door with a D before they open to a new R.
We... can NOT... TEACH them anything... or SHOW them anything... their eyes are not open to the lesson, to use a metaphor. In the same way that our words don't get through to them.
To use 25's mantra... be the best LBS that only a fool would leave.
And here's the thing...
Until a couple is D... they're M... Showing them what it's like... well consider... they might just like it...
If they have to choose between a clingy, needy, spiteful, angry, desperate, depressed spouse who is intent on teaching them things that they don't want to learn... and peace and quiet and a life to make of their own choosing...
Well...
If they have to choose between a fantasy that they THINK exists... and a fantasy life and spouse that exists right in front of them...
thanks for the reassurance vera - it scares me that i feel scared at the prospect of him coming closer - but as you say, it's normal to feel that. i suppose it would be freaky if i wasn't apprehensive
as for
How do you feel about getting back into an R where H hasn't changed at all? If he dropped everything and said he wanted to come back today, right now, would you have to think about it?
i'm really clear about it - you are like the fifth person who's asking me this in the last few days - suddenly everyone is asking me that.
i would say let me think about it - and frankly come posting here frantically (grin) and call immediately for an appointment with Joann
no seriously, i would do those things, but it's clear for me that i would say casually - oh, let's talk about it and explore that and NOT commit myself or be too enthusiastic. if he pushed i would say honestly that we need time to see where we're at and just start slow.
i want the real deal - i want to date, to have fun - not be too intense, i want romance and us delighting each other,i want us to be able to talk with ease and not hold everything too heavily and to let the past go and see it as a new beginning.
ooh that sounds candy wrapped!!
i have to think about it a bit more. but the first part holds - i'm taking it real slow
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Just to let you know, I don't think I would change what I posted, given your explanations.
Brit, vera and I all saw something in your posts. We could excuse that as a mistyping on your part... I'm not so sure...
Boundaries are a pretty important aspect of piecing. When we aren't piecing, boundaries really make no sense to the WAS.
"If you don't come back to me right this instant, if you don't stop with the OP, if you don't stop spewing at me and blaming me for everything, if you don't own your responsibility for the breakdown of the M, I'm gonna D you... and just so you know, I will not tolerate someone being rude and disrespectful to me!", says the LBS...
And the WAS is thinking... "and... so...?"
~~~~
Consider zig, that while you are scared and confused when your H appears to move closer to you... that if it was just a friend spending more time with you, you would probably not give it a second thought...
It sounds like you are living in fear of being rejected again...
You can't feel rejected if you aren't thinking the two of you are an item...
Anyone on the outside, if the two of you were just friends, might be thinking... "awww... isn't that cute... they like each other but haven't figured it out, yet..."
ah KD - so you're saying i was trying to "show" him.
i still don't think i was - there was time when i did have that mentality. but i dropped that a long time ago. but anyway - i will accede to your observations and double check myself for the future.
just as an added note to get the last word (why i feel compelled to do that is probably telling, grin!) it was more as if i was trying to show MYSELF what it would really feel like to be permanently separated.
so in the spirit of brit's attitude to the whole thing - leaving myself open and allowing things to happen, here's the latest development
i had had to send a text earlier to h asking for a password for one of our accounts.
he called me back around the time you were posting - and i just got off the phone!! he seemed to want to keep us on the phone , casually talking about this or that - actually money and the complete lack of it - by the end of this month we'll have zero in the bank account, and strangely he talked about it non-stop in terms of "we", never you and i.
it was actually the most relaxed conversation we've ever had concerning money issues - and they were really bad, AND we've never ever in all this time ever gone to zero.
then at some point after we'd talked about so many things, including the fact that when the weather cools down, he''s planning to set up a large tent at the house he's building and live there with s. he lets me know that he's going to be out of town from next friday to the following saturday. that's is way of letting me know he's going to visit ow.
you guys would be so proud of me - i'm crying right now while i write this - but on the phone - all i wanted to do was end the conversation and get the hell out of there. but i stayed cheerful and matter of fact and just asked if he was going to drop s off at his class before he left town and i would be picking him up and he said yes. then i moved the conversation on to other things, joked a bit etc. i was absolutely determined that i would not let him know even for a microsecond that his news perturbed me in any way.
oddly he moved the conversation to talking about all his stressors - including the unresolved stuff between us - saying that it was freaky that he had come over to tell me he was going to file and next thing we war"screwing each other" ouch. i stayed pretty neutral and didn't say much - just saying that i didn't read much meaning into either of those things, in the sense that neither of them surprised me at this point. he went on for a bit- something about there being unresolved stuff between us.
he was definitely feeling around a bit - more than a bit - and i was not giving anything away. he even brought up again how worried he was that when he introduced someone else into s's life, how s would take it. i said well that's your relationship between s and yourself.he went on about it for awhile and kept apologizing that it was hurtful to me that he was talking about it with me
then he brought up friend from last night - you and she get along, huh? i happily said yes that we had a great time last night. he said that friend is not comfortable about our separation, i asked why and he said that's just the vibes i get. then i asked are you comfortable about us hanging out - and oh [censored] that triggered him off.
next thing he's getting nasty and going on about how i didn't go out with him to hang out with them and of course that's why they were his friends more than mine. i kept to my 180 -he was getting pretty spewy there and said some really hurtful things - and i just validated and said he was right and i'm sorry he saw it that way - and then he kept saying i don't mean to hurt you but it's true.
of course it's f'ing true! the times i didn't join them was because i was so messed up with the migraines and spasms and could hardly stand up let alone walk. but i didn't say anything - he knows why i wasn't there. and before the accidents, i was there all the time every time. but he doesn't want to remember that right now and that's okay. i can come here and vent!!
after that the conversation moved to "being friends" and i let him know that i was very comfortable being friends and wished that he was too. he admitted it was hard for him because of the present (i think he meant because he's in a r with her) , and i just said well you are the one who says they want to be friends and so i'm agreeing, but you don't seem to be too relaxed and at ease around me. i joked that i was waiting for him to let go of the old stuff. even said that i didn't see us as the same two people that separated last fall.
he asked about that - that he didn't think he had changed at all. i said sure you have and he said what change do you see. i wasn't going to tell him about the alien stuff for sure haha. instead i took the opportunity to tell him how i saw that he seemed more determined and decisive about himself and his life and could speak about it more clearly, that i saw how his r with s was getting so much better and since i was "out of the way" they had a chance to really connect, that i saw how he had committed so much more fully to his job and was really more confident about doing it and how all these things were things i had always wished for him and was so happy for him.
i could hear from his voice that he was a bit unnerved - probably expected me to say really negative things. but those are things i wanted him to know that i see, and from where i'm standing, i feel it's unnecessary to focus on the negative stuff any longer
so
It sounds like you are living in fear of being rejected again...
heck yeah - aren't you? i guess not (grin) You can't feel rejected if you aren't thinking the two of you are an item...
you're right - on to further detachment! i'm on my way!!
wonder what you guys are going to read between the lines after this long rant. ah yucky yucky - i don't like being in this place. the weird thing is i don't feel pulled in to his stuff - i just can't understand what he wants. oh now that sounds stupid.
i've just simply got to go back to my picnic - right now it feels a bit hard to turn my back. wish it wasn't so let and i could go over to friends and get a hug!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
forgot to mention - h "reluctantly" let slip that he is technically moving out of his rental house tomorrow.
i started to laugh - there's been no mention of that this entire week - and he hasn't started to pack and he said he didn't want to be stressed about it so he wasn't going to think about it at all. i offered to come over and help if he needed, but he didn't take me up on it. i also offered that he could store the stuff here in the basement but he didn't want to carry the couch back down there
also that he fixed the van so that he could store the furniture in it while he lived in the tent
i did laugh and told him that i loved his style - it is amazing in it's own screwy way
good f'ing grief!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
) (You don't need to talk about what would have to change, just a thought exercise for you for now). I found it really empowering to think about my own needs in an R for a change.
