okay - so just to clarify: wires crossed here - it absolutely did not occur to me even for a second that i should show h what it was like to feel separated.
I was the one who was feeling what it was like - it freaked ME out. it was a strange couple of days - and i didn't know why the hell this was happening. heck, that very morning he ate breakfast with us - first time since the BD - he was at my house having a beer right before we landed up there separately - it was too much too soon? i don't know
i don't know why i didn't casually go up to him and say something. i i was so hyper aware of what i was faced with that i think i shut down a bit. by the time i finished paying and turned to follow friend who had already walked off, i know it's hard to believe but i actually forgot that h was standing there.
i actually wasn't feeling all that rejected when he said no - i was thinking - oh bummer, been waiting days to go out with friend and now i could be giving up my girl's night, i want my girl's night!!
at the same time, there was that old pattern surfacing where i was concerned that i have to give up myself and let the girl's night go because they were there and i should let them come join us. i said to friend that you know, i'm not going to go up and ask him - he can come himself if he wants to - in other words, let him initiate. and then at the same time i was thinking that if i go back and tell him they are welcome to join us, he'll see me as being pushy.
too many thoughts all at the same time!!!!
well, it sort of back-fired on both of us - i didn't realize that he didn't know there was a terrace and he didn't realize that i couldn't hear my phone!!
KD - you're right about why i feel off.
as i drove over to swim - i found myself thinking - yes this discomfort is me breaking a pattern (the old pattern of 'when i see you do something that is hurtful to s, i don't want to be around you' and i relished that i was on my way, feeling the discomfort and working through it so that i could do it differently.
you'll be glad to know i didn't ask to tag along, and probably amused to hear that while we were talking about it at the pool - i just said oh what fun, it's in a barn that sounds great - it wasn't overt - quite understated and i was really ok with him not asking. i hardly expect him at this point to be asking me to come along - that would be him putting it out there really big!
back to the restaurant thing - i didn't expect him to want to sit with us - the look on his face when i turned around was hard to read, but it was not relaxed! at the time, i read it as -'this is f'ed up" and now today i wonder if it was more as brit pointed out 'oh [censored], will she want to sit with us?" kind of look.
i talked to my sweet friend who was with them today and she said that h seemed to definitely want to sit with us..
here's the weird weird thing - i've been so sure that he doesn't want to be around me at all, that i think i act to suit that because i think that's what he wants. then stuff like this happens and i get really confused. i guess i'm projecting what I would do and want if i told someone i didn't want to be with them.
i read what you wrote at the end - evil grin!!!!!!!
i also read the post before this one, and i'm in the OPPOSITE place from what you are describing. and we practice not reacting and having no expectations...
i wasn't reacting to him - i was reacting to my own feelings that sort of overwhelmed me at the time - . and the last thing i had was expectations. so i was almost shocked that he had tried to call me - that's how little expectations i had!!
i think as i write all this - i'm beginning to realize that i am not used to really dealing with my OWN feelings about this sitch. for so long i have focused hard on acting as if and keeping myself in a good place and working through my own crap, that yesterday what disturbed me the most was being unexpectedly faced with an actual situation outside of the home which showed clearly that we were separated. i found myself trying to protect s - crazy as it sounds. he hadn't seen me yet, and i thought that if h didn't want to sit with us - he was free to choose if s hadn't seen us, but once s saw us he would be obliged to
i'm not really sure what is going on with me today - this whole thing is screwing with my head big time. just writing all this out is making me more and more upset, and i can't figure out why
but thanks everyone for all your input - i need to read through these posts again -
hugs zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
