Your W has to figure herself out. I know you say you have faith in her. Do you though? Or do you feel like you need to be part of that process "just in case"? What happens if you're not there? Does your faith in what you can't see still exist? Does your W still do what she is going to do whether you see or not?
I don't know. It's what brings me here to the forums, but it's also what makes me go away for a few days so I can look for answers in me.
What I'm trying to figure out, is why I can't think of the future without my W and I. Where I'm coming from is that MLC is what it is. It's a growth process that affects two worlds. The MLC person is living an equally nightmarish existence except the non-MLC spouse has the advantage of learning about internal resourcefulness given the right amount and use of time.
How many of us can say with conviction that our MLC spouse saved us from ourselves, that we're better people for the experience? A lot of us I'm sure and not one of us wants to EVER do this again.
So what about the MLC spouse? Why should it be so different for them? We're not to blame for the journey, but we do play a role. So I would ask then, why shouldn't we play a role in helping them out of the tunnel? I can see where going dark offers the MLC spouse an opportunity to breath on their own and without interference. It may even give them pause to contemplate what they left. But how? Going dark isn't for everyone and I'm constantly wondering about my going dark on a woman that was already living in a relationship void of the level of emotional connection she "believes" she needed.
My faith maintains that years from now, my W and I will get through this and be together in the end. Reality tells me otherwise, so I'm constantly fighting against faith so I can live in my current reality one week at a time. I hate it, but I don't know any other way right now.
There are varying perspectives regarding MLC and I'm intrigued by those that claim to have gone through MLC and come back. They kinda sound 'evolved'. MLC tramples on a lot of lives, but so does alcoholism or drug abuse. MLC almost seems like a coming of age where they go back and relive the golden years through the eyes of an leaned adult, which makes them even more flamboyant than an actual teenager. They are on a crash course journey. Sadly, my faith wants me to be there when she crashes, if only to sit and listen to her. To let her know that no matter how bad it got, I didn't give up fighting for someone worth fighting for.
Reality is what everyone's been telling me since the beginning, that she's gone. So why can't I see what everyone else does?
If I think of my future I can't see reality. I think that the dreams are a way of getting me there. Even my dreams are telling me she's gone.
Alcoholics, drug addicts and MLC. They have to go alone or all we become are the enablers and/or the facilitators.
They say that the couple that survives impossible circumstances will be together forever and I don't believe in coincidences. I don't feel lonely even without my kids around so why do I think that I have to blow out my candle in the window if I'm ever going to be able to light it again? Inside I'm a hopeless romantic and always have been. Therein lies my personal torment. I've always been able to channel my emotions into creative means and now my life is about controlling everything down to my breathing and I think it's making me miserable.
