Swimming with certain Turtles

[Brit45]

OMG, I was just thinking I am way too tired (had an 11 hour day working) to be able to give and then I thought I have to comment and then you say Brit do you have insight haha?

in that moment when he called me i was overtaken by the fact that he and s, and me and friend were in the same place but not together. i was so sure he didn't want to hang out with us, that when i finished paying, i walked off without even glancing at him again.

you weren't worrying about him feeling rejected like you said, you felt rejected when he said he didn't want to order with you. Maybe he though S would find him, maybe he thought it would be rude.

on the other hand if i had taken the step to walk up to him and say - we'll be out on the terrace - would it have been an opportunity to hang out together with friends and relax - first time during this sitch. or better that it went the way it did and he saw that i was going on with my stuff as i had planned, regardless of where he was at...

brit - can't help thinking that you may have some insights on this.

here's what's helped me in these "ditches" Remember when we were talking about our H's sometimes acting like martyrs and denying themselves time with us or whatever....I think we do that sometimes deny ourselves opportunities because we're worried it's pursuit.

our sitches are in these weird limbo phases where our H's have GFs, but are still acting very friendly with us. What's helped me after Cheryl advised me to be fun, friendly, flirty, loving, etc. was to think how would I act with a friend?

If you had run into any other friend in that restaurant and said hey do you want to order with us and they said no that's fine...you would have turned around and said we'll be out on the terrace or at the very least "so funny to run into you hear, have a good dinner" something...you wouldn't have walked off. So don't worry that you have to "show him what it's like to be separated" I think you're in a different place.

I found that when I stopped acting like a timid victim who can't act friendly towards him because I'm pursuing than he returned the behaviour over and over again. My DB coach told me to stop worrying so much, just be bright and breezy!

so i'm in this funny spot. here i am making goals where i want h to ask me to join them, but when he does now i don't want to go. wtf is up with me?

So, my DB coach told me it was simple our job is to make them feel good around us. Yes this might seem as if you're game playing or denying your inside feelings...but I promise you if you decide to put aside anything about H that annoys you (him calling and asking for sunscreen...oh Zig he just really really wants you around...in that new swimsuit ) if you put aside that stuff then you will have fun...because you're saying I'm going to just concentrate on having fun with H and S and enjoying this time and if you concentrate on that you'll shift the dynamic and you will have because he'll start having fun it's contagious.

When H asked me along for S's birthday dinner do you know I for a split second almost said no, because I thought it's S's birthday I don't want to crash but then I remembered what Cheryl said when he volunteers to do something or asks me somewhere and I say no then he feels like he failed or did something wrong. Remember not too long ago you were practically begging him to play frisbee with you and S, now he invites you somewhere and you say no. I'm not giving you a 2 x4 I'm just saying GO, you'll be glad you did.

now, about the comment with H and his response, etc. This is something I've observed in my own sitch. When I was a WAW, there were moments when I would miss H, I'd text, we'd have a good interaction and I'd invite him over. When he arrived I was already feeling apprehensive, because after all I'd ended our M. Then it was like I'd look for something to confirm he's the same old H, and we still don't get along. I remember once we had an explosive argument, he left without eating dinner, then slept for 12 hours and apologised saying he was really upset that it happened like that because he'd really been looking forward to it. I didn't realise what I was doing until I see it in other people's threads....

However it happens on the flip side. The more H is around, the more subconsciously you start to think that things are turning slightly, you're getting closer or whatever, and fear because it's a new territory creeps in and I think that's what's throwing you off kilter. I found myself getting angry and resentful of H. Oh it would be much easier to be angry and resentful but here they are being nice and fun. Then when he leaves on a good note like the other night I find myself feeling a bit shakey because once again I don't know how I feel or what the hell is going on. it's a new kind of limbo.....but we're all walking this tightwire you just have to rebalance.

Try weighing up your reactions to him as if you were reacting to a dear friend...would you have gone swimming or started tidying up? would you have responded the same way on the phone? I find if I look at thru that filter it makes it less heavy and less complicated.


I also think (at least with myself) it's a constant battle in giving them kindness, compassion, and friendship because we want to and then sometimes feeling that there's only a certain level that they deserve and why should I be acting this way.

When a sitch like the one in the restaurant or the pool happens try looking back and asking yourself what would have been the best possible outcome? having family dinner together, having pool time together? How could my actions have made that happen? And the biggest one are my actions taking me closer to my goal?