Swimming with certain Turtles

[zig]

journaling -
need to write my thoughts down here - feeling a bit unsettled this morning about yesterday's events and can't quite put my finger on it. thought if i write them down here, and maybe get some feedback it will help me to see where i am.

i think i was feeling a bit uncomfortable about the last two days events. h is suddenly more around - and i'm relaxed about it - not seeing it as anything other than that. really not getting pulled into the sitch at all - and oddly that's making me feel unsettled.

is it just the unfamiliarity of feeling like that? probably, huh.

so this morning, i finally after all these months found myself attacking the piles of c-r-a-p laying around the house that have been agonizing me. i got a good start into it, and then stopped to take a break and had just said to myself "aah - i can see how good it's going to feel to just keep moving on , on my own and i'm so okay where i am" - literally right then the phone rang and i heard h's voice leaving a message that they were coming over to get some of s's stuff and pick up his truck.

they showed up a few minutes later - he asked for cheese!! and i gave it to him. then he says - we're going over to in-laws to swim. i said oh that sounds great , it's so hot today and he says well, why don't you come join us. i was a bit reluctant , thinking damn i finally got started with all this stuff, and if i went i would be allowing him to cause me to stop doing this. but i said okay maybe i'll come over in a bit for an hour.

the boys were really hot from walking here and i took them into the kitchen for a drink. h started calling saying hurry up and i pointed out that he was used to working all day in the 100 degree heat, but this was the first time they had walked in it this summer and they weren't used to it. he started calling them wooses - not very nicely, and without thinking i said to s joking - this is where you get to give dada a kick in the pants.

well [censored] if he didn't take me up on it!! as h stepped out the door, s right behind him swung out and kicked him. unfortunately he got him right in the middle - by accident, and h turned around and got really insanely angry at s and was outright vicious and then walked off. s just stood there in shock - and i gave him a hug and said s, i didn't expect you to literally do it - i was joking. he started crying and h turned from the driveway and said - you almost got me in the nuts, but he was really mad.

all this happened in front of s's friend, so there was that added shame for him.

i let them go. it's not like this kind of anger hasn't happened before, and in the past i would have immediately called h up on it, but kept to my 180 and stayed really quiet. as i went back in i said to myself this is between them.

i felt bad though - if i hadn't made that stupid ass comment, none of this would have happened.

so instead of getting ready to leave, i went back to finishing off the job i was in the middle of. and then i'm thinking - gosh i don't know if i want to be around h right now - especially after i saw how he reacted.

about 20 mins later just when i had decided that i was going to text him and say i wasn't coming he calls.

are you coming? i asked why. his answer - could you bring sunscreen - but if you're not coming friends who are joining us are bringing it any way.

wtf??

so he was getting sunscreen anyway so why call to ask if i could bring it?

i said - i decided that i would rather focus on this stuff i had planned to do and was just going to let you know i wasn't coming.

his reply - okay whatever...

then i said - hey about what happened at the door can we talk about it for a minute. he responded acting as if - what's the problem nothing happened. i just said - i don't feel good about the comment i threw out and i want to apologize for it. he got all hassled and started going on about how there was too much going on there and it wasn't a good time to talk - and i said no problem maybe we can talk about it later and got off the phone

so i'm in this funny spot. here i am making goals where i want h to ask me to join them, but when he does now i don't want to go. wtf is up with me?

anyone see through all this stuff i'm writing - if there's anything there that i'm not seeing?

feeling very muddled right now!

thanks for reading all my long rants

zig

ps. i can't help thinking that when i start writing these long posts about what is going on that i'm off kilter somewhere within myself