I started a new thread because something came to mind this morning that I wanted to get into writing so that I can come back and reflect. Please bear with me as I may or may not be very organized in my thoughts.
I have not let go of my W - yet(ever?). It's not that I haven't been trying and it's not that I haven't been praying for it nightly. I want to let go, but I don't know for certain if that's what's best for my soon to be XW, me and our kids. I don't want stress in my life so I'm confident that I don't want my W in my life right now. On the other hand a series of thoughts came to me today as every now and then something comes about and I'm reminded of something she told me.
Some months back my W told me that the kids will be fine because she and I turned out fine having come from divorced parents. I disagree completely with this summation.
I haven't known my F since I was 3 and have never had a F since. I grew up emotionally detached from everyone because I depended solely on myself. I'm a survivor and always have been. I look at my S6 and I see that in him, but mostly my W. He's very social and will reach out to anyone who wants to play, but watching closely I can see him. He's a good kid and is not a trouble maker at all, but I see him seeking acceptance from kids around him and his efforts to be part of the crowd. I feel as though he will grow up not being equipped with knowing how to be honest with himself. Oddly enough, this sort of fits my W's characteristics and S6 does act a lot like her.
S12 on the other hand is very self reliant and difficult to develop trust with. Our forthcoming D is very hard on him. He feels betrayed by the decision his mom made, but he's incapable of understanding and tapping into his own emotions - like me. He's very selfish like me so he has trouble articulating his feelings without putting people on the defensive. He's also a quitter. If someones not hearing him he shuts down. If he deems something unfair or agrivates him, he's likely to give only 20% effort or give up completely. He does not get this from me and I've never been much of a quitter.
As I reflect on these past few years of living with my W's decisions processing, I'm wondering how this is affecting our kids. One is emotionally self reliant and one is emotionally inept, so how is MLC and my reactions to it making things better or worse? S12 is losing his relationship with his mom. He doesn't approve of her decisions as she's 21 again and not the mom he grew up with. S6 is just happy to spend time with her, but never really grew up knowing anything other than a 21 yr old mom.
I don't know how to help them and I don't know how to help my W. I fought for my W for the past few years, trying to find out what tools I had been using and trying to aquire new tools. Somewhere along the lines I gained new tools and not too long ago I learned that I really do believe I'm worth fighting for.
I don't mind talking with my W on the phone because I don't have to see her. It's when I'm around her that I have trouble ignoring the fact that she won't fight for me, that she chose to quit. She once told me that it's always the same, that nobody cares until she's done. So how many others were there? How many times will she quit? How many times has things gotten hard and she just give up?
I played my role in this. I was never there for her emotionally. Being distant with her is making this hard for me because it's just more of the same. Where my faith comes into play, is that she will some how see our kids and the impact of her decisions on them. I have faith that she will one day see me for who I am and not what she believes. That I'm not like the others, that I never was. I have faith that she will open her eyes to what's inside her.
My uncertain reality is in how I'm handling things with the kids and my W. I don't blame their mom, but when pressured I don't hide the fact that it was her decision to leave. I don't know what they would understand and I don't want them to give her the impression that I'm peeing on her good name. I don't know what to say or how much to say. To my W I say even less, but keep my voice upbeat and positive - or try to.
My reality is that I'm having so much trouble letting go of my faith in my W. I want so bad to let go of her, but I don't know what's keeping me attached. If it's my heart, then why do I not want to be around her? Why do I not think about what she's doing or who with? Why do I dread seeing her and why am I happy she's moved out and taken almost everything? If it's my heart, why am I so eager to restore order in my life one room of my house at a time and yet I don't want her to know anything about me and what I'm doing?
If my heart is keeping me from detaching from her, then why do I know that if we didn't have kids together I would go out of my way to never see her again. Why am I not furious, but rather, indifferent. My reality is that every time I think about my life beyond a week at a time, I'm over come with faith in my soon to be XW. My reality is that I don't know how long it will take me to restore order in my house (financially), but I feel tied down by that outcome. I feel restless as though I'll never fully be released from whatever is holding me until I'm done with whatever it is that's holding me back.
What I also see is S12 becoming emotionally detached like me in his future relationships. I see S6 growing up trying to make his relationships work, but throwing in the towel because he doesn't know how to stand and fight.
My faith will not let me move on. My reality is that I can't let go of my faith in being the best person capable of helping me, my W and our kids. My reality is that I'm afraid to think of my life beyond 1 week at a time because I'm afraid/frustrated when my faith takes control of my thought process.
