I am struggling because I don't want to be the guy that STBXW can't come back to, but I am sick of being used.
I don't want her to think that she is a horrible B, although she is acting like one, but sometimes I wonder if this is just her personality and the way she just is. There are generally bad people in this world you know.
This is my daily struggle. I don't want to save her, but i don't want to erase her out of my life either. But to stay in requires enduring more pain than i probably can handle.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
TM, My first thought on the photos...who is paying for them? If you want a photo, then do it w/your little one only.
As for the om, I would definitely be sure to advise her again, and if need by in writing, that you do not want them coming to your place. That is she can't agree to that, then a convenient pick up point will be established.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you FEEL you are being used, then you ARE being used...
IN YOUR MIND...
We all come here wanting that quick fix... that solution to make things all right...
Two things that we forget when we start throwing things like boundaries and victim and dealing with all that other lovely stuff that is thrown at us...
In our sitches, those of us who are here:
SPACE and TIME = opportunity...
Would you be the way you are to your spouse? Would you want to be "that person"?
Would you be the way you are to a friend? Would you want to be "that person"?
Space... space... space...
detach... detach... detach...
Anything else is possibly reacting...
No, we don't deserve to be treated this way...
But knowing this person in the past... did they treat us this way, before? If they did, do we believe they really wanted to?
We know our spouses best. If we really thought we were being abused intentionally... why would we be here trying to get better?
That they are treating us this way now? It is what it is. No need to get our panties in a bunch... and start throwing all our own projections and reasons and rationalizations at them...
What is wrong with having minimal contact, dropping off D2, and keeping it to emergency calls?
You're a fully capable father that can deal with a toddler, so unless there's some issues like she's sick or hurt, I don't see any reason why you have to keep up any extra friendly contact with your X.
I've been through what you're describing....pretending as if everything is ok when it's not, and feeling you have to do this for the children. It wore me down, and for me it got to the point that I had to put distance between XH and myself. I had to. A good friend of mine told me that my XH and I don't have to be BFF's to be good parents to the kids. And that's true. I know he's perfectly capable of taking proper daily care of the girls when they're with him. The emotional care of the kids on his part....very questionable and alot left to be desired in that arena. But They're old enough for me to gracefully back out and let them take the reigns on that one with him. I do step up and speak up when things happen with him...mainly him overstepping boundaries with me.
This is the 3rd OM? And he just was separated? Well that will last just as well as the other 2 did. One thing Ive learned is that anyone with any true self respect will NOT get involved romantically right away after leaving a marriage or relationship. But as fragile as everyone is when that happens (and we know this too) I guess the temptation is too great.
Do you suppose this OM that's stalking you may be actually trying to connect with you so he can talk about you STBXW?
Snod- A friend who is an amatuer photographer would do the photos and we would pay per photo printed. SO I would pay mine and she would pay hers.
Kaffe- The problem I am coming to is how well did I really know my spouse? I thought I knew her well, but reality tells me that this is going almost 2.5 yrs now and we will be married for 5yrs on Fri. I realize that the divorce is just a legal formality and an piece of paper. I have plenty of time, but maybe it is because I feel my biological clock ticking. I see my D2 growing up so fast! I have always thought about having another child someday, the window which may be closing soon. That is not a good reason to get into a relationship, nor terminate this one, but it is one of the many things that weight in the back of my mind. I also realized that I was being a little hysterical and overreative when i posted, but I felt horrible. I have a hard time believing that someone could just treat someone that way... weel, but then again nothing really ever surprises me. Maybe it is that I can't believe someone would treat ME that way. Not that I am special, but I would never hurt someone like that repeatedly. But I digress..
Kimmerz- The OM is just trying to be a dink. He already has another woman and is treating her like S*(&! too. He is clearly a piece of work. If anything he is probably trying to send a message to STBXW that he has moved on and can find another to replace her in a snap! She didn't take but 2 days to hook up with current OM after they broke up so I am guessing the feeling is mutual. Looks like both are VERY co-dependant.
This week my goal is to start working out again, drinking more water, and eating less.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
TM, do understand that people who have been together for 30 years before BD have moments of wondering if they really knew their spouse.
Yes, there are plenty of people who put on a good act and can do so for extended periods of time. Remember, this is someone you lived with and had daily contact and interaction with.
There are other people who make drastic changes in themselves and so we THINK they weren't the person we knew. When the reality is, at least prior to the changes, they WERE that person we knew.
I too struggled and still get down about my kids not having parents who are M and living together in a healthy M. In all fairness, that will never be the case for D14 as I am not her bio dad. All I can do is take heart that I will be the best dad I can be for them, regardless of the future. It's not an easy thought to make stick. Still, it's all we really ever have.
I have just been informed by my L that STBXW is coming in today to sign the papers. I won't be able to until tomorrow as i am going to be out of town today on business.
I feel a little sadness, and a little relief, as legally this will come to a head. Two days short of 5 years.
Isn't it a pity. Isn't it a shame- George Harrison
As for me on Friday, what would have been our 5th aniversary I am going to treat myself to something. I don't know what yet, but it will be fun.
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
I'm sorry to hear that she's going in today and sign the papers. I had hoped that she would slow things down. Definitely do something special Friday.
Hopefully, in time, you will feel better and she will see consequences of her actions. She had a good man and walked away from a very promising marriage. I am very sorry to see this happen.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It was a heck of a week! I signed D papers on Thursday and went out to a movie with a friend. Apparently she got a text from someone telling her to stay away from the texter's husband. So my friend thought that it might be from STBXW (who will now be know as XW for brevity's sake) and asked me about it. The number is from a unlinsted number so there is no way to find out about it. The funny thing is that if it was from XW, she sent it 1 hr. after SHE signed the D papers. Weird.
I spent Thursday and Friday nights getting smashed with a bottle of whiskey, which although not being very healthy reminded me that hangovers are not fun. By Sunday I must have gotten everything out of my system because I feel great!
I got a new workout buddy so I am going to be doing a lot more healthier things in the future. Time for me to get to work!
M:35 W:33 M: 5 yrs. Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10 D Final: 8/7/12
TM, Sorry about the divorce papers, but I think you will feel a huge load lifted off your shoulders once the dust settles.
I would venture to say that your "xw" is the one that sent the text. I hope your friend didn't take it too seriously. Your xw just doesn't get it...she no longer has a say in what you do, when you do it and w/whom. She opinions only factor in about your little one. Too bad, she had every opportunity together and seek professional help. She's lost a great husband.
Glad to see you are up and about this morning. You have a new future to look forward to!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
