This is great YC! I can tell you've given him enough space where he was able to truly reflect on his sitch. It really is just a waiting game. From now on, do as you said, work on yourself. Keep up with the 180s and he will see you are being consistent with your behavior (NO MORE OUTBURSTS!)
(((Hugs)))
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
This is good that you didn't push him away when he opened up to you, this is what you've been aiming for,for ages.
From what I'm reading between the lines in your posts, I'm guessing that your H fears your temper & feels resentment for allowing you to control his social life & I am guessing there were some trust issues on your part as well.
What I just wrote there could easily be about me. I remember my W being nasty, making snide remarks & trying to get into an argument with me every time I went out with my friends. She would aks so many questions, where are you going? what time will you be back? It really wore me down & after a while I just started saying no to my friends so I wouldn't have to deal with all that crap (I should have set boundaries then).
Whereas on the other hand I would encourage my W to go out with her friends, drop her off and sometimes even iron her stuff.
It really freaks me out seeing the similarities between your H and me.
I really think you are doing the right thing validating him by agreeing to not making the phone calls unpredictable betwee you guys - that'll help him deal with his resentments & help heal those bad feelings.
Hang in there mate, it's never as bad as you think
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
I will soldier on for the time being! I have a few more days to consider what I will do
Bill, yep, a few trust issues on the social front that's right! It all started way back when he lied to me in our early days together over some girl. I never got over that. I don't know about you, but my H hovers around females in a group because they are easier to talk to. He says it is as if he is talking to a guy. Whatever. It's an issue I'm going to have to deal with if we get back on track.
We talked a little bit about that this time around and he said that it was something he wouldn't change and that he doesn't understand what the big deal is. I said, "You are playing with fire. And, if you play with fire you will get burned."
The only thing that will make him see/feel it clearly is if I do exactly the same. But, if there are any other ideas you might have on this front, I'm all ears.
Yea!!!! That was great!!!! You're doing it! You are empathizing with him and that's what helps with the validation! You've also set goals so you'll be able to continue!
He is willing and that's such a big part of it. The only thing I see is to keep him in the present and moving forward. The past is the past and you can't keep tring to make it different. You are making the future better learning from the past. You can't keep apologizing for it!
I'm so happy for you!!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I think you handled the call really well with your H.
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Bill, yep, a few trust issues on the social front that's right! It all started way back when he lied to me in our early days together over some girl. I never got over that. I don't know about you, but my H hovers around females in a group because they are easier to talk to. He says it is as if he is talking to a guy. Whatever. It's an issue I'm going to have to deal with if we get back on track.
My W always had trust issues about me, even though I've never been unfaithful or done anything to make her feel like that. Ironically it's my W who does the same as your H and is a massive flirt.
I never had trust issues, although it would piss me off sometimes because I'd be like, 'Are you here with me or not'.
That last part in bold shows that you recognise what you need to do & are willing to put the work in to get over it.
Quote:
We talked a little bit about that this time around and he said that it was something he wouldn't change and that he doesn't understand what the big deal is.
I wouldn't try & change him Yankee, that's what they call controlling behaviour - it's also about having reasonable boundaries and respecting each others feelings though as well.
Tough one, I seem to remember when you did an exhibit & someone showed an interest in you, your H stepped up his pursuit, maybe he'd deal with it the same way again.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Hi Scaredsilly, thanks for that. Yes, absolutely, need to keep him in the present and not in the past or even too much in the future for that matter.
Bill, yeah, I'll let it sit on the back burner for a while this issue. It could potentially be a non-issue eventually quite naturally anyway. I know it stems from insecurities ultimately so maybe compassion is the best response at this point.
Just got an email from H. Among other things he said:
"I had a terrible morning - everything seemed to overwhelm me and I was crying hard for what seemed an eternity and I'm still quite fragile. I need to be careful this thing is not bringing me down to levels where I cannot get back. Maybe you are right - there could be mid life crisis involved here - I certainly mixing in fears about where my life will be heading after a decision.
I'm going to buy a nice steak for tonight and watch a couple of documentaries...that will give some momentary relief I think."
I'm going to respond to him with support and positivity and hope he has a good night there.
I am back home now and finally settled back in. I had quite a bit to do before I was able to sit down. I just checked my emails and my H sent a really nice email. I didn't see it until after he texted me a 'welcome home' text. So, that was a nice and lovely unexpected surprise.
On the way home, I was considering how I was going to proceed. This is what I decided on:
1/ Zero expectations of my H - in fact, try not to think too much about it as I get frustrated and tired and sad. No pressure. Looking to minimise that. 2/ No active dating of anyone since my heart needs a break 3/ Focus on my career and degree, and get that in order as a priority in my life 4/ Continue to develop my friendships and social life myself (I joined a book club recently and might join another club that interests me) 5/ Be patient with myself and loving of myself - I will know when the time is right for me to develop other areas of my life - just listen to me. 6/ Enjoy my single life - which gives me the opportunity to be quite self-focused among other things.
Overall, focus on what I do have.
I gave things a lot of thought on the trip back, and did accept that I have not consistently given my H enough emotional support in this time of his life. I also realised how guilty I felt for potentially driving him in this direction - my own MLC set his off - so I do have a sense of responsibility. I still have some resentments to work through myself. I also realise that I should not rush anything as it is counterproductive and could lead to more problems.
There's a fine line between giving too much emotional support and remaining in balance.
