it just came out suddenly while i started to write...
journaling:
so h came back this afternoon to fix the van - it's been sitting in our driveway for a long long time. i guess it got to the point where he really needs it to haul materials for the house.
friend arrived at the same time, and we went on the back deck to hang out while h and s worked on the van. when they were done he joined us for a beer - kind of - he had a beer but wouldn't sit down and sort of hovered. then they took off.
a bit later friend and i left to go downtown to eat dinner. we're at the counter ordering when i hear my name and turn around and there's h, waiting in line!!!
i asked him if he wanted to come up and order with us and he said no, and that s had gone off to find a table and he didn't know where he was. after i finished paying, i followed friend and we said to each other - [censored], what are the chances of them showing up at the same place. she asked if i wanted to tell him to come sit with us and i said - no, if he wants to , he'll come find us. besides we're having girls night anyway. we went out the back to the terrace to eat.
well, they didn't come join us and after we ate, we just sat there hanging out. then suddenly i see friend look up in surprise - and who's walking down the alley but h and s and my other sweet friend (who's held my hand through all this) with her husband and s.
they come stand by our table and hang out for 20 mins but won't sit down - and h says to me - you guys just took off - we looked for you everywhere and i tried to call you but you didn't pick up the phone.
i was really surprised. well, i hadn't heard my phone. i said well when you didn't come and join us, i figured that you wanted to sit on your own. he said no - we didn't know there was this back terrace. turned out they were all there together .
h was not all that happy - he kept sort of looking at me and when they walked off he had a total hang-dog look about him.
now when i got home - i wondered if my own reaction had been a bit tense. in that moment when he called me i was overtaken by the fact that he and s, and me and friend were in the same place but not together. i was so sure he didn't want to hang out with us, that when i finished paying, i walked off without even glancing at him again.
i can't remember now whether i actually forgot in that moment that he was behind me, or that i sort of shut down and really didn't know what to do. his firm 'no i don't want to come order with you' gave me a really strong message that he didn't want to sit together, and i didn't want to pursue by asking if he wanted to. also at that point i had no idea that our friends were with them
and here's stupid me on one hand thinking - gosh i hope he didn't feel totally rejected when i just didn't walk back to talk to him and then on the other hand i'm thinking - well, if there's anything that would show him what it's like to be truly separated - here's a damn good example. can't imagine what s was thinking when he climbed into my lap and hung out with me for a few minutes and then they all took off - especially on the evening of him going back to h's today.
friend who i was with - she's the wife of the guy who's h's closest friend right now - even she felt a bit shaken by it. it was hard not to feel anything.
on the other hand - i was watching myself carefully - and i wasn't really perturbed when h and s didn't join us. i was very aware that they didn't - but not upset and actually shrugged it off. besides i wanted to hang out with friend.
frankly - i just feel curious. curious about why something like that needed to happen. what was it there to show me? to show h?
was it there to show me that i am okay? was it there to show h what it would really be like? i could see his unease-
on the other hand if i had taken the step to walk up to him and say - we'll be out on the terrace - would it have been an opportunity to hang out together with friends and relax - first time during this sitch. or better that it went the way it did and he saw that i was going on with my stuff as i had planned, regardless of where he was at...
brit - can't help thinking that you may have some insights on this.
there have been a lot of strange interactions lately, but i have to say for some reason this one has felt the strangest of them all...
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
