Hi 2TP. I would say no on the lawn maintenance because you do the chores where you live (so what if they don't include a lawn, or maybe they do, but it's for the sake of argument). You would love to be living in your house and would do those chores if you can live at home, but since she wants you to live elsewhere your chore duty is all used up at your place.
It is tempting to think that the money you're saving is your own money by doing it yourself. That makes sense if you're in a temporary stage. But if she's going to live there indefinitely and you're not, she needs to be independent and learn how to do the maintenance or pay someone to do it.
That is how I would approach it if it were me. Alternatively, I would charge her 80% or so of what market rate for the services is. Have her get a quote or two and pay you to do the job.
But I'd rather see you back in the house and taking care of it, personally.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks everyone for the comments. I haven't decided what I'm going to do just yet. I did commit to helping my W figure out the pool maintenance process and she texted me this evening asking more questions so it appears as if she is set on assuming that responsibility. Of course if she is looking for pool boy services, I'll have to raise my rates!
She also texted me earlier asking if I'd come over to the house early Saturday morning to watch S10 while she takes S14 to paintball and then goes to some kickboxing class. I don't mind watching the kids but I was a little annoyed that she would expect me to get up early on a Saturday so she can go to a gym class. I texted back and suggested she bring S10 by my place on her way out and she agreed. Glad that is settled!
S10 also has a baseball tournament this weekend so I suspect there will be a fair amount of interaction between us. I've been pretty dark lately and hope to be able to maintain some of that this weekend. In fact I stopped by the house earlier today and saw W very briefly. I was sorting through the mail and she came into the kitchen and says hello. I say hi back and almost immediately leave. Not in a mean way, but I didn't want to hang around.
Hopefully I'm doing this right!
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Regarding the emotional pain, it is really something how long that tends to linger. Even when you feel like you are past it and getting on with your life, it has a tendency to creep up on you unexpectedly and the next thing you know, your a ball of tears. It sux when it happens in a public setting as it did for me the other day. I had to pull myself together long enough to get to my car so that I could grieve in private.
I guess the saying is true - time heals all wounds. In the case of a Divorce or marital crisis, I think we are talking about a lot of friggin time!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2tp, I really liked your post to Carnac. Thanks for the good advice.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
One other thing 2TP... it does depend on your martial assets and where things are at that stage. For example, if the pool maintenance were to go undone and that would destroy the pool and that would really hurt your property value and it's still your property to care about... well, then that's more of an asset management strategy than a relationship strategy.
But I don't think it's about teaching her lessons. I know my stoppage of fixing things for my W wasn't about "making her man up". It was about time. Time I was there doing things meant I wasn't doing things I wanted to do.
In a marriage we constantly make those trade-offs. I will give here for something that's important for you and you'll do the same for me.
But we're not married. So we don't make those trade offs anymore. Now it's simply what is best for me.
If you really have all that time available and want to do it... great. But if you're doing that instead of doing other things you want to do, then not great.
I helped my SS with W's lawn a few weeks ago. He wanted to mow it on the day he was here because she pays him to do it. So I took him over there. I helped him when the mower was finicky and I helped him see where his quality control process wasn't so great. But I did that because I got to be with SS, help him, and teach him some values all at the same time. W's lawn was simply the ballpark we were using to play the game in. Her benefit was an unintended byproduct, not the goal in and of itself.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Eventually I figure you will get to the point where you need to have a chat with her about expectations and responsibilities of taking care of the house.
And if she cannot handle it with her choice of lifestyle then she needs to move out to an apartment and you can move back in and maintain the place.
Reality can be an eye opener.
And some just never get it.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Attended S10's baseball tournament today which consisted of 2 games today and 2 tomorrow. I came with my son and W showed up later because she was doing a kick boxing class. Both games were dreadful, (hot, humid and the boys played terrible both games).
My W sat with some of the mom's while I stayed mostly clear, sitting with a friend at the other end of the bleachers. We eventually had some friendly banter and at one point she even offered to buy me a soda in exchange for some of the bubble gum I had brought with me to the game.
At one point I caught a glimpse of my W and from my POV she seemed sad and/or lonely. I may be totally mis-reading this but that it how it seemed. Later, after the games were done, we went out to grab a very late lunch. The conversation was light and S10 seemed to enjoy having his parents undivided attention.
W really seems to be trying to get her sh!t together in terms of doing things that do her some good, (i.e. exercise classes and socialization with other women). She has been doing 2-3 classes each week. This is a significant from the past where she might do one class a month if even that!
It is interesting though that a pattern of behavior that was evident before the bomb, is still in play today. It involves what I would characterize as my W's overly dramatic attention to little children. She seems to use them as a means to avoid or limit adult contact. In social settings where there are children and adults present, I'd say she will spend 60% of her time socializing with the children. It is almost like it is an escape for her. I don't know what to make of it. It has always struck me as a little odd.
So that's about it for now. I'll update more when there is more to report.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
