My Story

[25yearsmlc]

W biggest complaint was control. But during this last weekend it seems as though she wants me to make all the decisions. Isn't that giving me control.

Maybe she isn't used to making the decisions without your input, even if it's not wanted or requested. She's used to you making the choices or criticizing hers...so she's guarded about it. Her growth, like YOURS, won't be totally linear.

It'll come in spurts and zig zags.


When we started dating she was only 18 and I was 30. So I think maybe she turned to me for Stability and control. I never intentionally told her not to do anything. But I did do the finances and made decisions.

Not sure what that^^^ means. Did you CONSULT with her as in ask for her opinion,

or did you just "think you were thinking" about her interests, which isn't the same as putting her on equal footing and voting on things or hashing them out.

I always took our family as a whole into consideration and consulted with her.

Hey this is not a 2 x 4...and No offense, but who wouldn't take their family into consideration? I mean that's sort of basic, right?


From my point of view I thought we were doing things together. As time went on and we grew together she started to grow in her career and maybe didn't need that as much from me. It made me feel as though I wasn't needed as much.

did you show that to her? If so, how?

But I was proud of her and let her know how proud I was and what a great job she was doing. We did argue a lot this past year and she told me that she was constantly worried about getting me mad.

so, are two of your 180s being calmer and less critical?


I have taken control of that anger now. I think it was fear maybe or just letting little things get at me. Now I see what is really important.


Agreed....I read that Anger usually is a reflection of fear. W/you maybe it's Fear of losing control, losing her, losing something...

so the opposite of anger and fear is what? Loving acceptance?



The one thing that im not sure if it has been mentioned is what broke her finally. I'm not sure if it got lost in all my other posts.

It's not on this thread so far, b/c I looked and saw that you had not answered the question though it was asked at least twice.

I emailed private pictures of her that we took in the privacy of our bedroom to her BIL. And he in turn sent me pictures of his W.(my W's sister). And we got caught. I know it was wrong when we did it.

And your bil showed pictures of your wife to others. Did he have your permission to do that? Did you sort of hope he would?

Did your wife know you took the pictures? And she found you looking at her sister's nude photos too? I am trying to make sure I'm clear on what happened.


I'm not proud of it and I feel sad for betraying my W's trust. That is why I am finding it hard to detach, because I am also trying to gain her trust back at the same time.

You can work on regaining her trust AND detach. Detaching does not mean ignoring or not caring. Read up on Detachment b/c it'll help your sitch, imo.

Detaching in your situation is more about you not being so needy at the moment. Or having such a fast "quick fix" approach to this and expecting her to move forward...or "get past it"
See the thing is...

IMO, the photos were just the last straw that pushed her over the edge.




My W says that what I did is worse than cheating on her. She is also afraid that her BIL showed the pictures to everyone he knows and is afraid that people will see her all over the Internet. I don't believe that he did. I think it was just a juvenile thing on our part.

But you do NOT KNOW what he did with her photos, correct?

HE could have spread them all over as there were no restrictions on what he did with your wife's photos.
Also, saying it was "just a juvenile thing to do" is minimizing it. And hey, Just so I know, How old are you now?

Perhaps You did not make it clear to him what he could and could not do b/c it was not a priority of yours or b/c you privately hoped it would go viral.

Some men are into that but I hope they ask their wives. Sorry,

but I can see why your wife feels humiliated, used and mistreated.

My reaction is that It made her into an object of yours that you felt was fine to share or publicize, regardless of how she felt.

Can YOU see that she might view it that way? And you did it to her sister too...

You admit you also have been controlling & had a bad temper, which SHE HAS mentioned to you, so it's a tough combination of traits for her to deal with, wouldn't you say?

The GOOD NEWS is that you can see the changes you need to make as empowering, b/c they are within your control, (whereas she is not).

If I were you, I'd stop making this about her or OM, completely.

If I were you I'd make this ALL about YOUR CHANGES

and those changes, over sufficient time, will = changes she can believe in.



My BIL and W's sister have already reconciled. They pretty much have gone through the same thing. I guess except for the history of my W & I.


I don't think you or anyone else knows what they have gone thru, and they don't have your marital history.

It's not bad news for you that they reconciled,

but it's impossible to compare the situations. Your wife obviously feels differently than her sister did.


My W has to see the BIL at family events and despises him. I told her a couple of times that divorcing me wont make those fears or him go away.


True. But I would not attend events he's at if I were her. He betrayed her AND his wife,

just as you also betrayed her sister. Have you apologized to her sister, btw?

I don't know what to do. I messed this up in the end. But I feel it was both of our doing in the whole relationship.

What? How on earth is this "both of our doing"? Seriously? Um maybe

someday she'll be interested in hearing about what SHE needs to work on, but at this point it's up to YOU to show YOUR changes and not to shift the blame.

THAT approach seems like a "juvenile thing to do", to me. Plus you said that "her biggest complaint was that I'm too controlling"

and later you admit "She was constantly worried I'd lose my temper" so there is a lot more to this that the pictures and SHE DID communicate her dissatisfaction to you on more than one occasion and about more than one thing



No communication from her and me just being angry and arrogant. I am going to a counselor and have been since this started.


Like I said, and like YOU said, she DID communicate with you.

But You didn't change. And Still acting as if her not getting through to you sooner is HER fault, is not helping you. Plus you have no control over her anyhow.

To the extent she did not reach you, My guess is her inability to communicate was created/caused or enabled by your anger.

You just ignored her and until she said the "d" word, no change happened.

here's a tough question. Is there a part of you that would probably keep NOT changing except now you know that there's a OM lurking? Is there a part of you that simply wants to "win"?

Your arrogance may prevent you from bravely digging deep enough to see the depth of the pain you caused, or the other dimensions of the marriage that are not flattering to you. I don't know.

But I know bravely digging deep and looking in the mirror, and facing YOUR issues, are your best shot at restoring your m.

Maybe someday you two can attend Retrovaille but now is not the time to bring it up.


BTW If you blow a gasket every time she says something you don't like, she's not likely to be super open with you.

One of the few helpful comments our marrying priest made to us as we married was,

"Deceit harms marriages, of course. But so does behavior that creates the perceived need to deceive. So if your spouse dents the car, and you go nuts on him about it, the next time it happens, he won't tell you...and whose 'fault' is that, really?"

One of the reasons I am excited about my W asking questions about me is because it is showing me she does care. Which she showed no interest before.

I miss my family and my W's love.

that is a good sign!

I hope you'll continue your own personal work.

I'll post a letter from a WAW to her h. Read it and see if any of it might sound like how your wife feels...that will help shed light on HER point of view

and it'll help you get a more realistic timeline.

I would not expect your wife to trust you for sometime. And I think future photos are out of the question...possibly forever.

Digital Film lasts forever and if your BIL has done nothing to make it up to your wife, then that's a whole other problem.

Anyhow, see what you get out of the following post....and good luck!