[25yearsmlc]

Forgiveness, to me, is absolutely a process.

Sure, you can "Decide" to forgive and that's a huge, mandatory step.

But it is only the first step in a series of steps. Sometimes I think it's a daily (or hourly?) choice you have to make each time.

It's also a learned skill b/c I never saw it growing up. I had to read about it and hear about it and meet people who had done it, which happened at Retrovaille. That helped a lot.

Our ego is an obstacle, as is the rationalizing we do that we call "being right" or
"teaching a lesson" and all that other stuff that spouses really don't need to do.

(Ironically I think we feel that by witholding our love/affection, we are protecting ourselves.
But isn't being the better choice, our best selves, and fully loving, really the best insurance against another affair?)

Staying in the moment, also helped me forgive. I put a Stop Sign on the past if it's a hurtful memory. Overall my life in general improved with that, btw.

Forgiving IS freeing...and it's the right thing to do. But it ain't easy.

I know one thing for sure, b/c I saw it growing up in a neighborhood couple that had a wife who never forgave her h for his A, and let the world know it;

staying married AND staying miserable, is the worst possible choice.

Today, 4 of her 5 children are not married and those 4 all divorced at least once; some 2-3 times. 2 never married.

Their kids (and the rest of the neighborhood for that matter) saw seething resentment, tension, nasty snide remarks at every turn, from HER. The fault lay in her, in our eyes...so

some legacy...

OR she could have stayed married but forgiven -- and that would have been a legacy of forgiveness, redemption, LOVE and real committment.

that's my .02