Copied: If She Won't Stop the Affair?

[25yearsmlc]

Harrier

WS wants to save his m. I think you'd agree that

Dropping the rope does Not hurt his cause.

IT's probably his best chance at saving it.

Why? B/c though you point out the obvious possibility she won't come back, that can happen no matter what he does. She may believe she has found her "soul mate" and all that.

But she SAYS she knows she and OM can only go so far, so at least she's not yet telling the world about how great a couple they'd make.

But sure, she might choose OM and stay with him forever...no matter what WS does.

I get it. WS gets it.

IF we KNEW that would be her choice,

then the best advice would be for him to GAL and protect his financial interests, correct?

But we do NOT KNOW.

All we "Know" is"

1) what she says, which is that she's unsure of what choice to make. (To me that means WS has not showed change to her.)

2) WS still wants to work it out.

3) WS agrees he has some work to do on himself anyhow (on the other thread it was discussed).


All I'm saying is for him to LET HER GO, work on himself and do nothing legally

(other than what might be needed to protect assets).

If WS gets to that position, by all means he should do something to protect himself and the kids.

But if I understand things right now, he's NOT in that position yet.

And
WHen she has room to breathe and LOOK at her choices, at least she won't feel cornered.

As long as he challenges her choices, she'll defend them.

She'll want to be right as long as he's telling her she's wrong.

That just cements her choices.

She needs, somehow, to get to a place where she can really examine the damage she's doing WITHOUT HER H being the one pointing it out.

And she has to see losing h as a real possibility, AND that she does not want to lose him.


if WS drops the rope and applies "the rules"

then MAYBE the affair will run its' course.

Maybe she'll see that the grass is greener where it gets watered-i.e., where it gets the most attention...

and or,

b/c of his personal growth, digging deep, doing the inner work & changes WS needs to make in himself,

she may see him as more appealing, AND

that she does not want to lose him.

WS, you do understand that your w won't want to return to the same marriage you two had, right?

Even though there will come a time when she must regain your trust, that's not where you are yet. Not now. She isn't ready to hear all that.


She must believe marriage to you will be better/different than before.

You must demonstrate that, by becoming a man only a fool would leave.


WS, you have to be able to pull this off. No bluffing here.

You must show her that she's leaving a man who is a great catch. Be a great catch.

Women are attracted to strong men who are in charge of their emotions, without being in charge of other's actions.

No woman is unmoved by loving interactions with her children and their father. Be the best most involved dad you can be now.

Not as a tactic but as a permanent change that benefits the kids, and you and the family as a whole.

Though it's not supposed to be a tactic, the reality is that for many women it's an emotional turn on.

I think the reasons DB advises against ultimatums (did you finally get and read the DB books?)

is b/c they rarely work, and often the answer demanded of the WAS, ends up being that they choose OP and leave the marriage.

AND I don't believe all of them were going to do that anyway, before the ultimatum.

2 Decades ago I almost had an affair and it would have meant leaving my marriage.

I don't want to go into too much detail here about it b/c it'll derail your thread and suddenly be about me. My point is this.

At the time, I felt justified in having an affair. I rationalized it.

Our lives were very stressful b/c of choices my h made, and we had two small kids. H was never home, and it did not seem that our lives were going to improve anytime soon.

I only veered away from having an affair b/c of a great minister & some great people I shared my dilemma with.

They helped me see the future IF I carried on.

Of all people, my DAD said something really powerful--

"25, so let's say you have an affair. Do you think you'd have a purely physical affair that does not threaten the m? I don't think you can. Most women can't have r's that are purely physical.

I think you'll get emotionally involved as you go along,

& you'll believe you 'love' OM.

So at some point, you'll be at a crossroads and must make a choice=

and someone will get hurt...

Can you imagine what your kids reaction will be, when you tell them you are leaving their dad?

Can you imagine your h's response?"

(Later he also discussed the moral implications for me But at the time I needed to hear ^^^^, and it helped.)

The thought and image of them crying b/c of ME, broke my heart.

If my h had found out and tried to corner me into any type of choice, or tried to shame me, I probably would have divorced my h. Why?

Because I felt justified in having an A!!

B/C I felt h had pushed me into OM's arms

AND b/c there didn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel for me...

I would not have allowed h to shame me, b/c again, at the time, I felt it was HIS fault...

it was by me really thinking it all out, the foreseeable consequences of my various choices, and their costs, that gave me such pause.

And then perhaps intuitively, h sensed something was amiss b/c he did manage to become more attentive with some perfectly timed gestures. That helped a lot at the time.

By my having the space to figure it out, by h changing & becoming more attentive, our m improved. A huge crisis was averted, or at least did not do permanent damage.


Point is also, we all rationalize our choices.

Don't forget that your w feels that she has the right to be happy, which we all believe at some level. AND

She thinks she can't be as happy with you.

So, what do you believe arguing with her about it will achieve?

I'm not saying "be a doormat".

I am saying drop the rope and apply the rules.

If you believe filing for divorce is the answer b/c you want your pain to end,

newsflash..

Filing for divorce does NOT lessen your pain.


What does?

GAL can. Changing yourself from within and lifting your self esteem from within, will lessen your pain AND set a good example for your kids. And it'll make you more appealing as a choice of mate.

Do you understand what we mean by saying "Drop the Rope"?

The rules don't work unless you do them...seems obvious but it bears repeating.

You have to work this program for this program to work.

Good luck & hang in there.